The English Language - A bit long

The vagaries of the english language I found this a while ago, it's bit long but quite amusing.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow..

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor  ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Take care and keep well

GD

7 Replies

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  • Mad dogs and Englishmen spring to mind ! :)

  • Love it! what a great blog GD, I enjoyed it very much thank you and Happy Easter to you! x

  • That to a fanatic was fanatical to a fanatism.

  • I believe that the 'hamburger' was so named because it was invented in Hamburg, Germany. It was always made from beef.

  • And some of my favourites:

    21) He made a bow towards the bow in her hair

    22) The edge of the bough was rough.

    23) She wore her mask to the Masque.

    24) The Barque was made of wood but contained no bark.

    25) He held two pairs of pears.

    26) He wore a ruff but still looked rough.

    27) The lowly bred baker made bread.

    28) She closed her purse and pursed her lips.

    29) Try not to mate with a mate, it never works out.

    30) He tried not to prejudge the men who would be tried.

  • I’ve just logged back on to find that I have released a torrent of tortured english. ;-)

    Thanks for the replies and the extensions to the original blog.

    Happy Easter to you all.

    Take care

    GD

  • On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

    The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "

    When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked,

    "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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