I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT CHRISTMAS

After the rotten year we have had and feeling so low because of my miserable husbands attitude towards me, I decided not to bother with Christmas this year as I felt I had nothing to look forward to but fetching and carrying for him for god knows how long.

Then I thought 'sod him' why should I let him spoil it for me, I have my health and my sons and their families who have given me three lovely grandchildren. At the beginning of December I dragged out all the trimmings, trees, lights etc. and went overboard at online Tesco and Asda buying everything Chrismassy known to man (if we are marooned for the next 6 months I could feed the street), my husband of course said what are you bothering for, what is there to celebrate, I told him I had my health and he was still alive so why should I let him bring me down. Our front room is like a Grotto and the grandchildren were absolutely over the moon when they saw it.

We are on our own this morning but one of our sons is coming over in the afternoon with his family and we are going to our other sons tomorow, depending on grumpy's attitude.

I will not let him spoil it for me as when you get to 70 years of age you enjoy each day as it comes, and that is my new years resolution. Don't let the bug### get you down, and it is my way or the highway.

I am going to enjoy today and tomorrow and take what next year brings in my stride.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas day.

lovexxxxxxx sweetthing

34 Replies

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  • Onwards and upwards ! :)

  • well done sweetthing remind the old codger that you are a long time dead so he should be enjoying himself now because there is no coming back!!

    Enjoy your day and I wish I could see your Grotto

    Janet :)

  • good on ya gall,

    rose xxx

  • Bless you it's so hard on the cares too, l know l can be a miserable cow sometimes depression takes over when you feel ill, sounds like he needs a course of antidepressants to lift his mood, have word with his GP, enjoy the day with the family Merry Christmas.

  • Thank you all and god bless you, what a fantastic community we have on here, who needs the Samaritans when we have people like you, no judging others just great friendly advice and support. You should all be proud of yourselves.

    HAVE A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL HEALTHY CHRISTMAS AND A FANTASTIC NEW YEAR. XXXXXXXXXXXXX

  • Good for you, I love your attitude and your spirit! Have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy your family xx

  • Thank you so much and the same to you.xxxxxx

  • Love it sweetthing you never fail to raise a smile. Maybe he'll get scrooged, miracles happen at Christmas. Joking all the best to you both and your family.

    xx

  • make sure you enjoy yourself sweetthing, try to ignore the old misery, have a lovely christmas x x x

  • Hope you've had a lovely day and that you have a great day tomorrow. You are doing the right thing in making the most of each day as it comes because tell your husband that you're a long time dead!

    Merry Christmas to you and a very happy new year!

  • Good on you... don't let anyone drag you down. One of my favourite sayings is: "Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be". Hope you had a fantastic day, and that tomorrow's an even better one.

    Wishing you a very merry Christmas.

  • Well, he did it again, ruined everything, we were having a great time, (because he wouldn't go out for Christmas Dinner, one of my sons came to us for tea,) the grandchildren were opening their presents, I had put a buffet on and all he could say was, I don't feel well, you've gone overboard with all the toys, how much have you spent, why have you bought so much food. When they all went he asked me to get this and get that, he had not moved from getting up at 11 am until they went home at 6 pm. apart from using his urinal, I told him to just give me a minute while I put the food in the 'fridge and he told me, really nastily, that I will do anything for anyone but him I called him as many four letter and disgusting words I could think of.

    He has told me under no circumstances is he going to our other sons today, he doesn't feel well, he thinks he has pneumonia, so I said I would ring for the ambulance then, (he is on two weeks maximum strength antibiotics oxygen, nebulisers plus everything else) and he got really mad and said stop trying to get me into hospital. He is now in bed, I have told him under no circumstances is he getting up today as I don't want to see his miserable face, he said he couldn't stay in bed all day and he is getting up, so I told him I was not helping him get up so he can do what he wants and if I am lucky, he will stop breathing.

    Because he won't go out today my sons, grandchildren, both lots of their in-laws, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law are all going out for a meal, they were having the do at our sons house because my husband would not have gone otherwise. Now he has messed up everyones arrangements, my daughter-in-law bought food for the buffet and all the people so she will have some wastage. It is so embarrassing, time after time making excuses for him not to go anywhere.

    I can't go on my own as I don't drive, (he wouldn't pay for driving lessons when I was younger, he said he could teach me to drive and we were not throwing money away on lessons, I tried to learn but he always shouted at me so I gave up, I wasn't working as I had two young sons so did not have my own money). My sons offered to pick me up and bring me home but they live quite a long way away, it would take them two hours there and two back and if they had an accident it would be my fault, anyway why should they be put out because of him, to be honest, he has knocked the stuffing out of me and I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself anyway. I just wish he wasn't here anymore, anywhere but here. I have been sat here since 5 am this morning planning my escape but if I went I would not see my sons and grandchildren and I would lose contact with everyone, they tell me to have patience with him and are terrified that if I did walk out, they would have to do the looking out for him

    I miss out on so much, family gatherings, sleeping over at my sons houses baby-sitting, going out for the day with them, going out for meals with them, when I see pictures of them all on Facebook, sitting round the Christmas table laughing and having fun, pictures of them all on days out, there is always someone missing, me, it breaks my heart. Even when he was healthy, he would never go out anywhere, our friends stopped asking as they knew the answer, my son summed it up the other day and said he had turned us both into recluses, not just since he was ill but years ago, I should have left him then, he was always domineering, never physically abusive but mentally, always running me down, even now, I have lost three stones in weight for a reason the specialists can't fathom out and they have referred me to another specialist but he still calls me lard arse, and says are you wearing a funny mask, sorry it's your face, are your wearing a wig, I can see the nails sticking out. He saysI can't take a joke but I call it abuse.

    I hate him.

  • bless you, this brought tears to my eyes, you both need more help and maybe anti depressants, hope in 2013 you are strong enough to push for it, you have a life too, please speak to the powers that be, you deserve so much more than you have now, sending angel blessings your way, stay strong xx

  • Thank you so much, I have just pulled all the Christmas trimmings down and put all the goodies away, can't stand to look at them. He says he doesn't need anti-depressants and I refuse to take them when I know the cause of my unhappy life. I have to sleep in the other room now because I was sick of sleeping at the bottom of our bed (he said he needed space to spread out), he tells me to keep the door open in case he needs me in the night. Last night I closed it so I couldn't hear him call me, I honestly didn't care whether he lived or died.

    How long can this go on for, if he was an optimistic man who appreciated everything I would want him to live for ever, but as it is I just don't know how long I can cope with him. He is no-where near ready for a care home or nursing home, his problem is that he won't get off his backside as he says he gets breathless, of course he gets breathless, that is what COPD does, but because he is on oxygen and his organs are now protected whilst using it, there is no reason for him not to get off his bum and make himself a cup of tea, or feed our dog. I am at my wits end, the Matron knows what he is like but she is not with him 24/7.

    Getting a carer in is ridiculous because he does not need one, he can do things for himself but won't. I have told him that by sitting down all day long from 11 am to 11 pm at night he will get a blood clot.

    I have said before for the past 50 years he has always been domineering and was always the one to decide what we got or where we went, I used to buy things and hide them away so he could not see them.

  • Sitting here reading your last entry I can identify all those things you are feeling that happened in my life, but my husband was not ill. He was just a horrible person. Today this sort of person would be regarded as a controler, I have no medical training at all but came across it with the partner of a dear friend. She felt like you and did her duty to this man. It's not possible to live a completely seperate life from such a person but with the support of your sons and thier families you may be able to adjust your circumstances to take some of the caring duties from your shoulders so you can visit and stay over on occasion. Step back from the situation, only for 10 minutes, and explore the options. The boys must be made aware of the problems,ask for help. That will be the hardest thing and I don't have the knowledge of the welfare system to know what might be out there for you but others here may know. You need a break, respite from this situation. If you you google NHS carers direct there is a lot of information there that might help. Take special note of the bit about assesment, you BOTH need to be assesed as his condition is affecting your health,do it today and start planning the future (sorry thats not an order!). Will be thinking of you. Jane

  • Thank you Jane, I have looked on all the websites, the Matron made me promise to, but how can I organise a carer for someone who will not help himself, there is no reason why he can't do things for himself he is a complete mess, he is now saying the oxygen is not doing for him and neither are the antibiotics. I rang my sons this morning and one of them said, well if he is ill what can you do about it, the other said, we are going round in circles, if he doesn't want help what can we do. They told me to go on my own today they would pick me up and bring me back again, my husband said okay you go, then as I was walking out of the room he said but if I have a bad do and died it would be on your conscience, he always says this. I told him to just lay down and die. I am not going, there is no way I can enjoy myself knowing I have to go home to him again. I have told him to stay in bed, the first thing he said was what's for dinner I fancy some Turkey. He is supposed to be so ill he can't get dressed, yet can eat his blo### dinner.

    God, I wish I had the nerve to walk out, but where would I go, the house is in his name, I wouldn't have enough money as I only have my state pension and the kids would never forgive me. He said last week 'when I die what music would you play at my funeral'. I told him 'Hallelujah', he said he didn't find that amusing, I told him don't forget the flag flying at half mast on the top of our roof.

    To be honest, I don't know how I would feel when he died, a friend of mine who lived nearby had a controlling husband too and the first words her sons said to her when he died was ' you can live your life as you want now mum', she died of cancer 8 months later. I don't want that to happen to me, I want a few years where the grandkids can come and stay over, and my sons and daughter-in-laws can come for the week-end, at the moment no-one is allowed to stay as it takes away my attention from him.

    God I am so bitter, I cannot bear to be in the same room as him. How can love turn to hate,

  • so upsetting reading your posts and hearing what you have to put up with. If I was you I would go out and leave him on his own if only for an hour at first and then add a bit more time on and he will eventually have to do things for himself. My ex husband could be a bit like that esp with the name calling. Even now (been div 3 yrs) when he goes to my sons always says hows Fat arse, My d-i-l tells him off not that he takes any notice.

  • You had the guts to divorce him, I should have years ago, Thank you for your comments and I hope you have a great New Year.

  • Thank you, he won't acknowledge he has a problem. Best wishes.x

  • I did this months ago, when I was being referred to a specialist because of my cough and three stone weight loss.

    All they said was, there is a website for carers and have a look at that but without him being there they cannot discuss anything with me, I have been told that I cannot even ring up for his test results until he gives me written permission and my husband says that in future he will ring for the results himself.

    So what do I do next, I have just written a new blog saying I will no longer be on it until I get sorted out one way or another because in the words of my son, I am going round in circles and getting nowhere. We all know who the problem is and that is as far as we get.

    Thank you anyhow. xxxx

  • How sad reading your blog sweetthing, puts my own troubles in perspective, but you really must get to your doctor again to sort your self out, get some antidepressants or something and do not leave there until such time as you are given them. You really do need more help than your husband at the moment so give yourself some "ME" time. Join a local group of any sort to get you out of the house, something you can look forward to. Thinking of you and good luck.

    Emmo

  • I cant add anything to what has been said already, sweetthing but just to say that I hope and pray that things will become better eventually for you. Best love from Annie80 xx

  • I feel so angry for you on reading this sweetthing. Its never too late to leave. From what you say your family and friends all know very well what he is like. I can't see them cutting you off because off him. More like they would cut him off! They must know that you are and always have been the mainstay of the family. Talk to your family tell them how you are feeling. I think you would be surprised at the support they would give you.

    Why do you stay? Is it guilt? Are you scared of being on your own? Or is it better the devil you know?

    Your family are all grown up and have their own lives. You have done your duty to them a long time ago. Its time to put yourself first for a change.

    The house might be in his name but that means nothing. Under the law it is half yours. The state pension isn't much but the guaranteed amount for a single pensioner is 142.70 a week. On top of that, Unless you had a certain level of savings (10,000?) your rent and council tax would be paid by housing benefit. I manage on my JSA and DLA - total 95.00 a week. A lot less than a pensioner!

    Get some information and check out possibilities please sweetthings before its too late.

    All the best Bev xx

  • I'm so very sorry you are going through such an unhappy time of it sweetthing.Many years ago when I was getting my first divorce I met a lady in her late seventies in the solicitors and she was herself filing for divorce after 50 yrs of marriage,she just couldn't put up with the bugger any more!

    You say you changed your mind about Christmas,why not let Christmas change your mind? Love is the message of this time of year...put your name down on the council list for a nice cosy little bungalow if possible...and love him from afar....! you have not come into this life to be abused by anyone, you, like all of us have come to experience love and joy in life and living!it is your birthright.

    The power of love can empower you! please,please be alright,I hate to think of you being so unhappy.sending you positive thoughts and love,Carol x

  • I had to reply to your message, (I decided to stop posting on the website as I was given great advice but I was not taking it). I just cannot walk out and leave him, I could not enjoy my new found freedom if I knew he was sitting on his own no matter what kind of a man he has turned into, he wasn't always like that but he has always been the one who made the decisions and with having two sons as well I was in a male environment and all they talked about was football and sports and which kit they would be wearing next year, I was the chief cook and bottle washer but they knew their dad was the one that said yes or no.

    I am in it for the long haul, hence the reason I stopped going on the website as I felt such a fraud for moaning and groaning but not doing a darned thing about it.

    Thank you very much for your lovely comments and when I feel as if I am ready to actually sort myself out I will definitely be back on the site.

    Happy new Year.xxxxx

  • I hear you sweetheart, I'm hoping you'll turn the music up at times,and make sure someone comes and gives you a break so you can have 'timeout' lol. I understand I realy do and I hope you aren't absent for long because you have friends here that truly care,keep that chin up and a smile on your face and dont forget you are loved more than words can say! Happy 2013 ! xxxxxxxxxxx :)

  • Thank you so much, I cannot believe the kind and loving words from you wonderful people. I was going to finish for good on here but so many people have sent me absolutely wonderful comments that I would be an idiot to cut myself off from them. I will let them know I am back, but thank you once again for your lovely comments.

    Best wishesxxxx

  • Can kind of emphasize with you as my husband is the same plus drinks too much alcohol. Refuses to eat properly. Wont go out. Wont excercise. Just sits around all day on the computer drinking and moaning or spending days staying in bed. However, I am at the advantage that I drive and live fairly close to relatives. Christmas day, husband said he would come to my mums for dinner as long as he doesnt have to stay too long. However, when the time came to leave for my mums, hubby had taken himself to bed and said he wont go. I said. Ok. And went to my mums on my own and had a good time :D Hubby said next day he didnt want to go as scared of getting a cold or something, which is unstandable I suppose. But it's like this all year round with him refusing to go out.

    My mum (who doesnt have copd) also seems to be more depressed lately but refuses to go to the GP. I bought her a cheap SAD lamp i.e. amazon.co.uk/Lifemax-Light-...

    Might be placebo effect but she loves it and seems a bit brighter in herself . :D

    I myself got so down about the situation that I went to my GP who prescribed me an antidepressant and organised counselling for me. Was the best thing to happen to me all year. Might ask GP to wean me off anti depressants now and get myself a SAD lamp too :D

  • Thank you so much for your comments, your husband is like mine except my husband does not drink. He sits down from 11 to 11 refuses to exercise saying he can't. Even though I don't drive my sons would pick me up and bring me home, but I am worried that because it as a two hours drive each way they may have an accident and I could not live with myself if it was because they took me out for the day. Also when I say I am going out, he has a bad breathing do, the Matron says he has an extremely hiigh anxiety level and she will get someone to see him. I am not depressed as such, more fed up with him, I still buy clothes and jewellery online just in case I can get out somewhere.

    Best wishes

  • Oh sweetpea! My heart goes out to you,as you are so miserable.Maybe a trial of anti depresants,may take the edge off for you, even though you think you dont need them.Make sure the Matron follows through and gets someone to see him! Would you be able to see someone yourself,to help put things into perspective? I dont mean that unkindly,but I realy feel you need to talk to a professional,we can all offer you support,and listen to you,at any time,but I sincerely feel it needs more than that.

    You are lucky that your sons sound caring,in as much as they would drive so far for you,if you would let them. They obivously would be aware of there Dads shortcomings.

    Anyway I can only wish you all the best for 2013,and hope the New Year rolls in some changes!!

    Big hug to you,Wendells xx

  • Hi i know how you feel,but try and get your self some help..i lost my husband will be 9 years in aprill, he too had c o p d .he was on oxygen 24x7 and in bed most of the time,i had to wash and shower him and do almost everything else for him..but at that time there was'nt realy any help offered,like what i get now for my self who has c o p d .like pulmonery rehab.he was exactly the same as your husband (did'nt want to go any were and said i could go but i too did'nt drive..BUT DO NOW>.so i stayed at home missing birthday partys and everything else..but you need to get some help off the doctor,,i nursed my husband for years as he had depression..also.but i loved him,ii have now got a new partner and my son,s said when he passed away (mom its time for you now)and i have made up for lost time.but i can always say ((no body could have done more for him but me ))SEE YOUR DOCTOR>.you derserve the help...BUT I REALY DO KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH.. lots of love from some one who cares..xxx

  • Thank you, I can see you had it much harder than me because your husband could not do anything for himself, the difference is my husband can but won't, he has been told he is not trying to help himself, the physio has stopped coming as he won't do his exercises just sits on his bum all day long. He moans that he cannot bring any gunk up, well he won't if he does not move around and get his heart and lungs pumping, this is my problem if he could not do anything for himself there would be no arguments, but he does not try and that is what is killing me.

    I do appreciate your lovely comments and when I read about people on here with the same condition as my husband, probably worse, it sickens me to watch him waste away because he says he can't do something.

    Best wishesxxxx

  • Hi I really feel for you having to face the stress of a unhappy man, is there anyone who can knock some sense into him, one of your children perhaps and tell him that he's making your life a misery. What about asking your GP maybe a lady GP they are more understanding if he can be assessed by a psychiatrist at home, you need some kind of back up someone to talk to easier said than done I know, there isn't the help like there was social services now have gone by the board. Can't help but think of you, I know it's a strain when someone is ill my husband is under stress with me being ill now he's retired there's not much breathing space. Take care x

  • Thank you so much for your kind comments. The matron has arranged a man to come and see him regarding his very, very high anxiety level. I am not saying he is not ill, he is, but he could do more to help himself instead of sitting down all day. The hardest thing is in the night having to get up two or three times to bang his back when his breathing is bad and the gunk is in his throat. I have told him that if he did more exercise he could gt the gunk up so it may not happen,but all I get is 'I can't'.

    Have a lovely new Year.

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