some advice please

hi my name is David and have moderate to severe to severe copd diagnosed about 9 MThs ago.

I also have high blood pressure .had 2 heart attacks. I lost my wife to cancer 1 yr. ago we were married for 40 years and I live alone apart from my 22yr old daughter. My question is my son and daughter want me to move house to be near them for support. My problem is that I am not coping well at all but and get very depressed a lot. I am a bit frightened to move

because I have been in this house for 30 years .Please what do you think ?

21 Replies

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  • Hi David

    Sorry I can't be of much help on the moving part but I can say if you want to talk to someone on the BLF helpline on 03000 030 555 tomorrow, someone will answer the call, take your details and arrange to ring you back. Hope this helps. I'm 100% certain you'll receive loads of response from other members here.

    Take care Karen

    X

  • thank you for your reply I am very low at the moment and just need some help

    take care david

  • Firstly David please accept my condolences on the passing of your dear wife. Forty years of marriage and thirty years in the same house - you must have so many treasured memories.

    A very difficult decision for you as your loss is very raw and you are understandably depressed.

    You must be a great dad to have such a loving and supportive family.

    I guess you need to check out the pros and cons. Do they live quite a way from you at present i.e. another town? Do you have good friends and neighbours and a social circle where you live at present? How likely is it you will have this where you will move to? Would you feel more secure having your family closer to hand? All stuff you need to consider. Is this feeling fearfull to move a general fear or is there something more specific.

    I do think David moving and when to move is something most peeps with chronic illness become very concerned about, I know I do.

    Only you can make this decision David but it doesn't have to be tomorrow. Whatever you decide I hope everything works out well for you. Please let us know.

    Love C XXX

  • thank you kindly for your advice .yes I would feel more secure having my family besides me as I find because of my illnesses very tired and unsecure .where I live at the present I do not have a large circle of friends mainly because my wife for the last 20 years had been very ill. (Hodgkin's lymphoma , mass on the brain, liver failure)

    and it did not leave any time for socialising .I am not going to say that it will be easy but I feel I want to do this as it will make me feel more secure as help is close at hand,

    being ill my self does give you a feeling of insecurity but having my children close at hand I think would make me relax more .I can only try thank you davisxx

  • Hi David, it sounds like you have a lovely family who will help and support you but moving house is a big deal and not an easy decision to make, like C says take your time it does not have to be a quick decision.

    Take care

    polly

  • sorry to hear your news, and your greiving process has been hampered by the diagnosis of your own illness. It is not a good idea to move home until your grieving process is in the position of allowing you to move easily without regrets, I say wait until you see memories in every corner without grief,but warm memories of your wife, then you will be ready to decide, and that decision may be to stay where you are, you will feel stronger then, less emotionally dependant. Councelling helps, if you have a local hospice they offer bereavement councelling.A move is a big decision, and once you.ve gone there is no going back, there may come a time when you want the happy memories to sustain you, you'll know when you are ready to make the decision because you won't have to ask anyone if it's the right thing. Your daughter is young and needs her life too remember that. The first year is the hardest, all the best. xx

  • What an awful time you have had. Lovely that your children want to help and if that was me, I would move - for company, help and succour. New experiences will help revive interest in life as moving to Wales ha done for me. I live with my daughter and son-in-law...ideally I would love just to be near for more privacy and independence for all, whilst helping me feel more secure with help at local hand from people who care a lot.

    Maybe you can test out by trying living near your children for a while to see. Is the weather better where they live for your health ? xx

  • thank you for your reply .I am moving to my own house as my son and daughter are only 10 mins. away from me .I believe you are right in what you say about a new experience and also having the security and help being close by would make me feel more secure. I think I will go as staying here is just very lonely and I take all my memories with me. thank you for your kindness davidxx

  • Hi Father152

    This is a very difficult question to answer - it sounds like your son and daughter love you very much and want to be near you so they can help you if needed.

    Moving home can be stressful at any time, but after being in the same home with your beloved wife for 30 years moving now is not just about moving home but leaving the home with all of the memories - this can be hard to do.

    A year is not a long time when you are grieving and missing someone.

    What do you feel the best thing is for you, deep down?

    Having the support and comfort of family being close can be invaluable, especially if you feel depressed or you are feeling ill and need practical help.

    I'm sure whatever decision you make all of your happy memories will stay with you and live on in your family.

    Helen our counsellor will be more than happy to talk about this with you - sometimes talking about an issue to someone who isn't directly involved can help you gain some insight and perspective.

    You can talk to any of us here now - 03000 030 555.

    Best Wishes

    Jo

  • So sorry for your loss! You hav ereceived some good advice from all the above. Cofdrop seemed to hit the nail on the head when shw said to weigh up the pros and the cons.

    Whatever you decide I hope you will find peace and happiness. Best wishes. Maureen

  • thank you davidxx

  • Sorry for your loss, and truly sorry you are finding it all somewhat difficult to cope with. A lot to carry on one's shoulders without any support. Leaving a home with many happy memories is difficult, in particular one you have spent a large chunk of your life, but remember whilst time and places may change, your memories will always remain where ever you are. Moving is a stressful experience, and it is important that you consider all the advantages and disadvantages before making such a big step, but what is wonderful to read is that you have such a caring son and daughter, who want you to be closer so that they are there for you. You and are late wife must have been very loving parents to them, and taught them the power of family support which ever way round it is given, parents to children or children to parents. Try and focus on this very positive point in your life, and use it to make the right decisions for your future.

    Please let us know how you get on, take care hugs Daxiemad

  • you are very right in what you say as a lot of people in my position do not have this chance. also I truly believe that I should take this chance now as you never know what is around the corner, and I am lucky to have children who care for me and love me wanting me to be close to them is a rare thing these days. thank you davidxx

  • Go for it David, I am sure you will get a lot of help for the move and you will be happy to be near to your family, do it now before its to late and be glad your family want you near to them to look after you its not always the case. The memories you have of your old house will always stay with you for ever and new start and all that. Good luck

  • thank you for your advice it is good to know that I am not being selfish because I am making this move and your help is making is easier for me davidxx

  • No way are you being selfish, we, thats my husand and I, are moving nearer to the kids and I cant wait for it all to start, no more miles of travel before I get to see them and can stay longer with them and they can call in anytime they like now does that not sound good? family comes first always. Hope all goes well for you keep in touch xx

  • hello david, read through the blog and everything I've been thinking has already been said, but I just want to acknowledge the loss of your lovely wife, and now the loss of your health, and the impending further loss of your home for 30 years, you really have been going through it, I'm not suprised at all that you are depressed at times, think I would be worried if you wern't, wrap yourself in the love of your children and let them carry you for a while, like you say you never know what's round the corner, the move really does sound like a good idea, and well done for being a great parent, your children sound like a credit to you and your wife, you'll be carrying your memories and your wife in your heart before long, It will take a good while to find your new normal, but you will xxx

  • Hello David, I am so sorry to hear how hard life is for you. So very sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. You have every right to feel hard done by and depressed. Try to be grateful for your lovely children. It maybe a move could be a new start for you with the advantage of knowing people are closeby to look after you. Good luck. Take care. TAD xx

  • Hullo, I am so impressed with the lovely people on this site who have so much good advice to you. There is nothing I can add except to say all the best for a settled future. We could have the problem one day. Son and daughter live in Hants and W.Sussex. I am Herts. Best wishes!!

  • Hi David, I'm new to this site which is why I haven't answered your question sooner. You have had lots of good advice from other members on here but I would like to add that, although your house has some lovely memories of when your dear wife was alive you are also able to take those memories with you. I'm sure your family want to help as much as possible and you being nearer to them will in turn give them peace of mind. I'm saying this from experience as my dad has breathing problems and I live 5 minutes away yet my brother lives 2 hours away and he feels useless, unable to help at all. I am also aware at how depression can make any illness worse and I feel that being near your daughter might help with your depression. Please remember that you are not alone and help is just at the end of the telephone from either your daughter or the BLF.

    Take care and all the best for the future.

    Kind Regards,

    Jane (kenneth74)

  • Good Luck and God Bless David.Go live near your children,your memories are in your heart.Give your children the chance to show their love for you.

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