FED UP CARER

I would like to ask COPD sufferers a question and I would really appreciate an honest answer.

Do you think that your illness is the be all and end all, and that your illness takes priority over everything and everyone else.

My husband is running me ragged, he bangs on the floor with his walking stick asking for something or another, rings me on the mobile when I go for a shower or to the toilet wanting to know how long I am going to be, I do not have a minute to myself apart from first thing in the morning when I get up, and after seeing to his medical needs, giving him breakfast in bed and taking the dog into the garden I sit for half an hour and have my breakfast. Then I do the housework, I then help him get washed, dressed and carry all his medical stuff down, nebuliser, tablets, etc, carry his oxygen tank whilst he is using it, get him settled, make him a cup of tea then go and make the bed and get myself ready, then the mobile rings, can you come and pat my back, (the physio has shown me what to do but it is like a comfort thing for him). I am up and down the stairs like a yo-yo, I have been up and down today 15 times between 7 am and 11 am, then he gets up

I am 70 years old, 4 years older than my husband and he is killing me slowly, I have no life, he has a wheelchair and walking stick, when he first got them a few months ago it was like 'great, we have got our life back' but no, he is back to his old miserable selfish ways won't use the wheelchair in case someone he knows sees him.

Our central heating has broken down and we have been told we need a new boiler, he won't pay for one so he has now told me to drag out the fan heaters, we have one in every room, it is freezing in the morning when I get up, I am dreading winter. I have to boil a kettle to wash up. Luckily the shower is water heated at source so as least i can get a hot shower. He won't have a carer, I am a prisoner in our home,,he keeps telling me the house is in his name and not mine, which it is. We never go out, when I am doing the garden he sits in the window in his wheelchair tapping on the window and shouting, you have missed a bit. I wish

I just feel like walking out, I sometimes wish he would die and let me have a few years of peace and quiet. I have even wished i could be taken into hospital with a serious illness so they would put him in a home. He is calling me again now so off I go again.

Sorry about all this but I think I hate him.

96 Replies

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  • Oh dear. No, we are not the be all and end all but COPD is a very frightening disease and if your husband is at a latter stage he may be afraid of being left alone too long. If you are having so much difficulty in coping try ringing the BLF helpline. They will probably suggest (among other things) that you contact your local Social Services and ask for an assessment (to which you are entitled) and then they could hopefully provide appliances and practical help, maybe someone coming in each day (or a couple of times a week) to try and take some of the strain or maybe some respite care where one of you is taken out for the day whilst your husband is cared for. It is a very difficult time for both patient and carer and I appreciate how much you are putting in to this, as I am sure your husband does even though he may not show it. Anxiety and depression may make things more complicated too. You are obviously at the end of your tether. Do ring the helpline.

  • The number for the BLF helpline is 03000 030 555. If there is nobody there over the weekend ask someone else for short term help. Family, friends, even a neighbour to sit in whilst you go for a walk to the shops or just around the block. It is no use him saying he won't have carers if you are unable to cope alone. You could also try talking to your GP. Good luck.

  • Bless you, I would love to give you a hug and let you know you're not alone. Please please speak to your nurse or doctor about how you are feeling. Is there any family that can help, even just for a couple of hours a week to give you a break? Keep up updated about how you are as I'm worried about you. Keep your chin up xxxx

  • As a carer I must say I know how hard it can be seeing them suffering, but you do need you time, if he wont have a carer, dont ask him, just arrange for someone, hes hardly in a position to throw them out, if you have to carry his oxygen about ask about home oxygen, much easier , am sure the bl will be able to advise you on the [people you need to get in touch with, the help is out there when you need it. I never thought my husband would use the wheelchair, its a pride thing, but he quite happily lets me push him out when the weather is fine, because he knows otherwise he wont be able to go out, my kids wll come and dad sit if I want to go anywhere, but I prefer to spend what time we have left together, together, there will be time to be alone later. you need to talk to someone in the same position, they can tell yu what they do and maybe that will help him to understand too how much it's taking out of you. x

  • "Do you think that your illness is the be all and end all, and that your illness takes priority over everything and everyone else. "

    It's not the illness taking priority here, but the person with the illness.

    Sad to say that your husband is treating you very badly and is being selfish. He should appreciate the things you do for him, not just assume that's what you are there for.

    You need to use one of the most basic words in the English language - NO. Go on strike! What's he going to do then? The more you buckle under and do his bidding, the more he will demand.

    Talk to someone. The BLF helpline isn't open at weekends but they may be able to put you in touch with people who can help and try to sort this out. You certainly can't carry on as you are. Age UK (Age Concern that was) have a helpline on 0800 169 6565 and you may find people in a similar situation on their forum Gransnet - gransnet.com/forums-age-uk

    Can you talk to your Community Matron about this too? They need to know if you are being put under unreasonable pressure as you cannot be an effective carer if you are being abused in this way.

    I apologise if I'm coming over too strongly, but I always try and answer questions in the bets way I can and I do feel you're being abused by your husband. Not that he hits you, but he is wearing you down with his demands and it's not right to let this continue.

  • Thanks Gordon

    for the link to Gransnet, I just joined it.

    B.

  • gorden is absolutley right, go out leave him for a couple of hours you have a life to,selfish man good luck BE STRONG, terrzy

  • Sorry to be blunt but in my opinion what your husband is doing is using COPD as an excuse to control you. How a person could do that to someone he is supposed to love is beyond me. He should think what it would be like if you weren't there.

    I personally would not like my other half running around doing stuff for me. I like to do stuff myself even if I get a bit puffed out doing it. Get a carer in whether he wants it or not.

  • Firstly, you wouldn't do it, secondly, if you did try it, you would very quickly get the sharp side of my tongue, and you wouldn't do it for long.

  • I'd get the round end of your boot too !! :)

  • sounds like our house hahahah

  • Crossed posts with Gordon but we seem to be on the same wavelength.

  • :-D

  • It wont let me post a smiley on its own.

    :)

  • Leave a space after it ;-)

  • I am so sorry to hear what he has put you through. I have lived with copd for the past 10 yrs and have kept it in check due to diet, exercise and researching the web on how to help myself stay healthy, this blog is a God send. I have a wonderfull husband who is there for me. We have bank accts and house in both our names. Y ou are the one who must change not your husband he seems have everthing in check.. So take the advise of auntymary call the BLF helpline and get a care giver in. If he insist that he does not want one then by all means respect his wishes. But what ever hours the care giver would have spent with him make this your time and leave the house. Remind him he was the one that said he did'nt want one. Also tell him the next time he bangs on the floor with his walking stick you will take it away untill he becomes more civil. If there is any love left for your husband you are the one who needs to be strong and change for your husbsands sake. My prayers are with you. Maureen

  • I can't add to anything the others have said they always give very good advice.

    As for myself, I have been physically disabled for seven years, and rely on my husband for alot of things, but after 43yrs of marriage, we are still a team, I have always insisted he has his own time, he has several hobbys and I make sure he sees his friends, since I have now got chronic asthma I have needed a little more, but I need me time as well!

    Please do what the others have suggested and look after yourself, you can not be a carer if you become I'll.

    My best wishes to you. B.

  • You really must listen to the advice given on here or you will be ill and very disillusioned yourself. I am on my own with this illness- can speak to my son who also lives alone about it usually jokingly and the people on here - and thank god every minute that I engineered my life to be alone and private in my twilight years long before I was diagnosed with C.O.P.D.

    It doesn't work for everyone but it does for me and you asked for an honest answer mine is I don't know if I would have taken advantage of someone's kindness in looking after me - maybe I would have been tempted to.

    It's down to the invdividual how they deal with this illness so try not be an enabler to this particular patient's selfishness and tendency to control. Your health and peace of mind

    is at stake and at 70 you need to look after yourself and get some quality of life.

  • You have had a lot of good advice above all of which I agree. I would suggest that you get a carers assessment from your social services, ensuring that they are aware that you are not coping. Tell your husband that he is being selfish & must accept havig a carer & respite care as you cannot go on as you are. You may be able to get help with repacing the boiler given your ages & your husbands condition.

    Best wishes

    Jo :-)

  • I have been a carer in the past for a partner and know how difficult it can be. I also now have copd and would do anything I could to make life easier if people needed to care for me.

    I agree with amagran - he might not like the idea of an outside carer tough. You need some help and with a carer or respite care as it gives you the chance to have time to yourself and recharge your batteries knowing he will be safe and cared for even if he dosen't like it!

    Phone the BLF helpline - Age UK- they will probably know of other ways to help. Ask family and friends to help if possible. Maybe a bedroom can be made downstairs? to save you walking up and down stairs. Try to explain to him that you also need help as a carer because what helps you to help yourself also helps him get through these difficult times.

    Thing of you x

  • Just to add. Don't take your mobile into the shower or loo with you. I'm sure he can cope for a few minutes.

    Poo in peace I say ! No one but no one should disturb ones movements !

  • Dear sweetthing

    My heart goes out to you. I do not have copd although I do have a lung condition and live alone so have to get on with it, but I have been part carer for two loved ones in the past. They, unlike your husband did not take anything for granted and appreciated all we did, and therefore caring was a privalege.

    Your husband is obviously sick but he is also extracting the urine. I hope you don't mind me saying this but he comes across as a controlling, selfish bully and I hope you don't mind me saying this even more, but you are enabling him to treat you this way. You said it yourself 'my husband is killing me slowly I have no life'. Something has to change sweet. If not your own health will suffer, if it hasn't not already.

    Please 'phone the BLF helpline and/or you may find help on this link

    carersuk.org/ Sounds to me you need to speak to your gp or social services - perhaps someone who could sit with you both whilst you talk through the changes which need to be made. He needs to listen without interuption whilst you talk and vice verca. He is really cutting off his nose to spite his face with regard to the heating. I can't bear to think of you dragging heaters around and boiling water to wash up.

    Why don't you just turn your mobile off whilst you go for a shower and tell him there's no point in him 'phoning.

    Can you see a physio and arrange for him to have an acapella and he can use that instead of having you running around needlessly.

    I'm sure if he can bang sticks around the place he can do much more than he would have you believe.

    Being ill can make you frustrated and tetchy and you can sometimes take it out on those closest to you, but this behaviour is, I believe, manipulative.

    You can love someone but hate what they do, and sometimes love is just not enough. Please sweetie I implore you to get some outside help, for your own health and sanity.

    Let us know how you get on.

    With love

    XXX

  • You know, it is so easy to see what's going on from the outside and so hard to take the advice! I am a carer, I am lucky my husband (with IPF, just out of hospital after another crisis, now on 24/7 oxygen) is not being difficult, but even so it is hard. My sister has a similar situation to sweetthing - and I have lost count of the times we have tried to help her, all to no avail. her husband is a control freak with OCD who rules her entire life; he had a nervous breakdown and she nearly followed him, but now he is 'better' and back to his old ways she is just falling in with it, very much to the detriment of her own health.. I think the clue is in our ages; my sister is 71, and our generation was a bit brainwashed into 'looking after our man' (ie doing what they want) even to the detriment of our own mental health ! I don't know the answer - but you are not alone. It's a shame someone on your side can't insist on him having respite care - that would give you a break, but I know how hard it is to get them to do that. I nursed my Dad with COPD and when we arranged a week of respite he insisted on me visiting each day ! Chin up, hope something turns up to help you - just keep in touch !

    Gill

  • Thank you to all of you lovely people. I had a talk with my husband this afternoon and he says there is nothing I can do, I am stuck with it and he will not have strangers in the house. I said why can't I have one day a week, by myself, go into town and have a break, meet up with my friends, (I have lost contact with a lot of them) and have a meal. He said, word for word, 'if I had a bad do and died it would be your fault and you would have to live with the fact that you had killed me'. I thought, I should be so lucky.

    We can afford new central heating putting in, money is no object, but he won't spend any of it , he said when he is dead I can do what I like. To cap it all off, one of my sons sent me a text (they don't ring, just text) and asked if I could look after our grandchildren for the week-end next week because they want to have a week-end out.. I only hear from them when they want something so I have said no, I can't cope anymore and with all the pressure I am under if I walk out you are stuck with the miserable so and so.

    Today I said to my husband let's go and see our other son and grandchildren, it would have meant a nice drive out and a break, for me, we rang our son to see if it was okay to visit and he said no, because they were going out to lunch and wouldn't be back until tea-time. I went upstairs and burst into tears because I thought it would have been nice for them to say yes, okay, come and we will all go out to lunch together, but no, they said they would come to our house tomorrow (Sunday), that means I will have all my grandchildren running all over the house, me making meals and being run ragged again.

    It has got so bad that when he starts being breathless I cross my fingers and hope he is taken into hospital so I can have a few days to do what I want for a change, I know you will think it is awful, but I honestly have no feelings for him anymore as all he does is take, take,take and think it is his god-given right.

    So sorry about moaning on all the time, but I have no-one else to talk to.

  • if I had a bad do and died it would be your fault - Intimidation, bullying !

    No way is it your fault because he's too pig headed to accept help from outside.

    Why not call the ambulance next time he gets bad, tell them he's like that often and you can't cope with him on your own. Let them take him off to hospital, and don't let him try and say no ! It's either that or you'll end up being ill yourself with the stress.

    Womans Aid have a 24 hour helpline - 0808 2000 247 - They are based in Bristol but operate nationwide. Have a word with them about his stubborn attitude and how it's affecting you.

  • At times I am badly disabled by my own condition (not COPD), and for three years my husband was a full time carer to me, but never ever did I treat my husband the way your husband is treating you. It is one thing being supportive to your partner who is unwell and needs a lot of care, but quite frankly I feel he is using you like a door mat. It is not acceptable, without you he would be in serious trouble and treating you this way is sure going to send you to and early grave, or at least in a situation where you become very poorly yourself from exhaustion.

    Time for you to give him a few home truths. Running fan heaters in the long run is going to be more costly and no decent heating is going to cause him a great deal of discomfort, and possibly a further decline in health. Also it is time to start discussing support systems for his extensive care needs, a visit to your own GP is are your first port of call, he/she needs to be aware of your own distress. This will highlight a failing and difficult situation at home, for which the GP can act with social services to turn things around with you. Also most areas of the country have a carers support system, I think you would find it valuable support system.

    And as for feeling guilty for your emotions right now, DON'T! The only people who should be feeling any guilt right now is your husband, and children for the lack of support. And as for your one son asking for you to look after the grandchild so they can have some time out, well that is despicable. I appreciate it is hard to stand up and say NO, but perhaps you might just shock those who need to notice most into action.

    God if it was me, I would probably be ringing my kids saying, I am having a few days break and you can come and look after your father, because if you don't do something soon for your benefit this will happen any way because you will snap and either walk away intentionally or become poorly and need some rest away any way.

    Feel free to private message me, swear yell and jump and down you won't be the first, you might feel so liberated that you will burn your bra also, just kidding.

    Hugs Daxiemad and Lottie Loo

  • sweetthing - there is no way on this earth I think your feelings are awful with regard to your husband and the situation you are in, I can assure you.

    'if I had a bad do and died it would be your fault and you would have to live with the fact that you had killed me'. Now if that isn't manipulative and yes, I agree with Stitch, abuse, I don't know what is. He wouldn't say that in front of a mediator, he's way too crafty.

    Stitch is so right it's not his house and I also agree with her statement about you being his wife and not his unpaid servant.

    I don't believe age has got anything to do with putting up with intolerable behaviour but then I'm divorced, happy and peaceful.

    Sweetthing why don't you contact your son and let him know cooking along with everything else you have to do is too much. Sounds like someone else is arranging your day for you. Arrange to go out for lunch and your son could wheel your husband's wheelchair and see to him and you can sit and enjoy a meal which has been cooked for you and have some quality time with your grandchildren. If the og won't go let him stay at home and you go.

    My lovely shout loud what you want for a change. You deserve better.

    With love

    CXXX

  • oh my ,you so need help. please find it.also keep in touch with the group they have a wealth of knowledge and care so much. a true saying ...who cares for the carer... take care of yourself sweething,let your friends here help . thinking of you

  • Hi sweetthing l am sending you hugs l have COPD l am 58 l try and do most things my self as l dont like putting on people but you do need time for you as for the money side have you or your husband ever served in the forces as SAAF will help with what ever you need,god bless you keep your chin up xxxx

  • Evening sweetthing,

    Between your husband and your sons, no wonder you are at your wits ends. Just a thought, you don't want to be with your husband (no one can blame you) is it possible your sons feel the same way too? They must have seen the way he treats you. As for coming to yours tomorrow........just a suggestion. I think you should show them your posts on here and maybe just maybe they will begin to see that you cannot go on like this any longer.

    Another idea, when they turn up tomorrow, you leave. Have a bag ready and let your son take care of his dad for a while. Easy for me to say I know, I just don;t want you going through this anymore. My mum is 71 and has been really ill this week and looking after dad has taken its toll. But to see the love between them is so special and heartwarming, I truly wish that for you.

    As the saying goes, you don;t know what you got till its gone................

    Find the strength from somewhere, you have to put yourself first for once. And you know, a gentle reminder to your sons won't hurt and I think is long overdue.............you gave them life, raised them and looked after them and fulfilled their every need. As the parents get older, its role reversal surely? Its their turn to return the favour and help you wherever and whenever they can. Not just for babysitting. It sounds like your sons have the same traits as your husband.

    Be strong and be the real you......remember who you are deep down and who you always were xxxxxx

  • Sweetthing I think I hate him too! He sounds a real Svengali. Many of us have been incapacitated by illness but we don't bully our loved ones. I'm sure every single person on this site would do everything possible NOT to burden them, and would try & persuade them to get out and enjoy themselves rather than spend all their time caring for us.

    Sweetthing all the advice above is great, you know it makes sense, but only you can act on it. If you carry on like a doormat, your husband will keep treading all over you. Sorry sweet but you've put yourself in the role of timid, obedient victim & he is taking full advantage. Reach inside and find your courage, stand up for yourself. You only get one life and you've spent far too much of it kow-towing to this man.

    Take heed of all the advice your friends here have given and take control

    love, FF x

  • HELLO

    try carers direct Carers Direct helpline 0808 802 0202, they will come in give you an assesment, and support you! come to your home fill out the forms, and get you the help you need and they will give you £250 to spend on you!

  • You do realy need to get help , please please ring the BLF helpine , could he not go for respite care for a week to give you a break, think you would have to talk to social services about that You can`t go on like this, I am afraid I also think your husband is taking the michael and is very very domineering. You have got to stand up for yourself and get help.

  • Get him one of those emergency buttons that hang around the neck then he can't say " if I had a bad do and died it would be your fault ". If I had my way I'd go round your place and give him a piece of my mind ! You must stand up for yourself. What can he do to you apart from moan ? Get the strength from us lot and tell how things are going to be from now on.

  • FED UP CARER

    I can't begin to tell every single one of you lovely people how fantastic it is to get all this off my chest. Some of you say get help with the money side of things, i.e. putting in central heating etc. we have the money, we have saved all our lives and can honestly buy what we want but my husband will not touch it, I honestly do not know what he is saving it for, we need a new three piece suite, it must be 25 years old, we need our front room decorating and a new carpet as it has not been done for over 20 years, he has always been tight with money, and now we have no central heating and no hot water but he still won't have new installed. If I want something for the house I have to ask and he will say 'we don't need it'. The kids make fun of our house saying how old fashioned it is, but what can I do, he buys a brand new car (cash) every 3/4 years, he bought an eight seater MPV last year it has now only done about 1000 miles because we don't go out anywhere.

    I have transferred all our money into my account as he can no longer deal with the financial side of it. I told him it was because I didn't pay tax and we would get to keep all the interest.

    Yesterday he wanted to go out for a newspaper (I have always to go with him as he says he cannot walk into the shop) I ASKED him if I could go to a certain shop whilst we were out, then I thought, what the hell am I asking for, I sound like a child asking for sweets, so I said NO, I am not asking to go to this shop we ARE going to go to this shop, he said, we haven't time so I told him to stop the car and I would go on my own and get a taxi back home. He said you can't leave me on my own, whose going to open the garage door and carry my oxygen, water, urinal etc. So I told him that we either go or I am out of the car, he said if you do you won't be able to get back in the house, I told him I had my own credit cards and I would get a hotel, go and buy some clothes and he could stick it, also all the money is now in my name and he could keep the house and do what he wants. He said you have only your pension to live on so how would you manage, I told him my pension would pay for the rent of a small property and that he would not live all that long without me so that would not be a problem. We ended up going to the shop. Round 1 to me.

    We had a blazing row last night, I had given him his tea and taken the dog out (we have a massive great German Shepherd which he wanted after our last German Shepherd dog died two years ago I love him to bits but could have done without the extra work) and was just sitting down to have mine when he started to cough, I had to leave my tea and go and see to him, by the time I had finished, my tea was cold and I had lost my appetite so I told him what I thought of him and I wished he would put a pillow over his head and suffocate himself.

    We are living in a very unhappy household and one of you lovely people wrote and said perhaps the reason our sons don't come and help is because of my husband, they are spot on, my daughters-in-law have no patience with him at all and know he treats me like a skivvy. He was always a good worker but always ruled the roost, I never had a choice, he always chose the colours of the decorating, carpets etc. so I think that I should have left him years ago, he still, to this day, throws out at me, 'you were only ever a part-time worker and if it wasn't for him I would still be living on a council estate'.

    The fire service came the other day to put in some more smoke detectors because he uses oxygen, they asked him if there was a fire in the middle of the night how he would cope in getting out of the house, he said no problem, I would shove her out of the way and get out very quickly. They thought it was a joke, he said it was a joke but I am not so sure.

    It's 10 am got to get grumpy up now. Sorry for the rant.

  • Hi Sweetthing,

    If you have control of the savings could you now get the boiler fixed and do the undating to the house as you wished ???

    xxxx Dinny xxxx

  • Thank you so much for your comments. You would not believe the tension that would be in the house if I did anything off my own bat. I cannot leave him and he knows I won't I just wish I had the guts to.

  • Some of the helplines you've been given may be able to refer you on to a more local group who could perhaps visit and mediate.

    I used to know a support worker who dealt with domestic situations like this on a regular basis, she would go in, all smiles, and talk to both sides for an hour or two, then try to get them to work out their differences and reduce the stress of being together. She could always tell who was being awkward about things or making threats, and would then tell them straight how it was going to be - or she would come back daily until they mended their ways.

    She was quite a big woman and not afraid of any man. Her aim was to either sort out the issues, if the partnership was still viable, or refer them on to whatever organisations could help them in living apart.

    You seem to be able to stand up to him some of the time, perhaps you should do it more often. It can't cause much further damage by the sound of things. He's not in a position to rule the roost, he should be darned grateful you've stayed with him so long.

  • Thank you so much but it will only cause more problems, he does not want our problems airing as anyone who met him in the past thought he was the life and soul of the party. I've stuck with him for nearly 50 years and knew what he was like a long, long time ago and I should have got out then.

    The other problem is both my sons are like him, always pulling their wives down and telling them they ought to be working full time. My husband was a big 'boss' years ago and so are my two sons and both of them belittle their wives. I have told my sons what I think of them and said if their wives leave they will take their children with them, both my daughters-in-law come from parents who, like us, have saved all their lives but , unlike us, they go on cruises and have bought a second home abroad (we don't have a home abroad my husband would not buy one) so the girls could always go live with their parents as they are all alive they have nothing to lose but a selfish husband.

    My eldest said, 'it would not bother me all that much, I will see my daughter about the same as I do now, (he works away all week) and I wouldn't have all the hassle when I got home.'

    What a lovely family I have, all three are male chauvinistic pigs, because he has been and they are in top jobs they treat their womenfolk like dirt.

    I am going to stick it out, he said (I won't be here next year so you can do what you want).

    Thank you for your comments, but I will just get on with it .

    xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • You obviously have your reasons and maybe it's been useful for you to let some steam off here, even if you're not wanting to take the advice given in return.

    You've used the words yourself selfish husband, so you know what you're dealing with.

  • I meant to add - but it's not the illness that's doing this, it's him. Most of us seem to having caring partners that we would never dream of abusing like this. That's not to dismiss anyone who lives alone, or even has a difficult relationship as you do.

  • Hi Sweetthing,

    I agree with all the other posts , your husband is taking unfair advantage of your kindness and loyalty , it is a bit like that in our house except it is me that has copd and my husband does very little .

    The only thing i would add is that you go to see a solicitor and find out where you stand re the house etc , i suspect that your husband is using all these tactics to scare you into staying as he in turn is frightened you will leave him . Once you know your rights and providing you would be financially ok you could put it to him that you would stay if he treated more reasonably otherwise you would go , but see what the social services have to offer first , though it would be no harm to know how you stand anyway xx. citizen advice beaurau are good for finding what is available and for contact details of relevant bodies , please get some help xxxx. xxxx Dinny xxxx

  • We have made wills out so everything is covered.

    All I know is that if he dies before me I am going to strip the house of everything and start from scratch, new everything, I will stay in a hotel until it is finished. I love where I live it is only a couple of miles into town so I can get taxis everywhere I want to go. I only hope I can get a few years of good health to enjoy it. I told him this morning that if things don't improve I will be in hospital with a nervous breakdown and he would have to go into a home so I wanted a day to myself every week then I could cope the rest of the time, he said AGAIN, you go but if I have a bad do I will die so you will have it on your conscience.

    Thank you so much for caringxxxxxx

  • I don't want to upset you my love, you sound so lovely but if in your heart you know it's not going to get any better and the love you once had is gone, then do yourself a favour and get a good divorce lawyer. It won't be easy but you'll have nothing to blame yourself for. Once a bully, always a bully.

    Best wishes, my thoughts are with you.

  • Thank you for your comments, but I cannot just walk away even though I feel like it. I look back to when we were first married and we had a good life, he was in a good job and we had everything we wanted, Things began to change after we had been married about 15 years, he started getting promotions at work and was annoyed with me because I did not do the same, we had two children and I wanted to take them to school and pick them up afterwards. I worked round the school days and when it was the holidays I worked evenings and Sundays. I was always there for the children but my husband said I had no ambition and would never get anywhere. We had lovely holidays, he chose the weeks he wanted to go and where he wanted to go, as long as I got a holiday I agreed. I just carried on then when I retired at 60, he didn't want me to, he said I had to work until he retired at 60, I am 4 years older than him. I said no, I would be paying tax so would not be any better off so I retired. He didn't retire until 4 years later when he took early retirement. Those 4 years were absolutely wonderful I looked after my grandchildren, did what I wanted, met my other friends who had retired then everything changed, he retired, then the rot set in, he took charge of everything and that is why I am here now.

    I sit down and look back to the first few years and cannot believe he is the same man, I knew he was a man who liked to be in charge, so I should have done something earlier. It's too late now, if I walk out I will lose my family and not see my grandchildren so I will bite my tongue and wait for the inevitable to happen and hope to god I still have my health afterwards.

    Best wishes, I won't be posting anymore about this, even though all of you are lovely, as I am not going to do anything about it so I will plod on as usual.

    Thank you very much.

  • Hi Sweetthing ,

    If you feel you want to blow off steam ( and it helps ) i am always ready to listen , even if it is just that and you don't intend to do anything , it helps to talk it out , please don't bottle it up , we don't want you to have a nervous breakdown , he is not worth it . chin up and look after yourself xxxx Dinny xxxx

  • Thank you so much, I cannot make you believe how good it has felt to offload to someone. I know I should get a backbone but at the end of the day he is my husband and I know he would have to go into a home if I walked out and I honestly could not enjoy my new found freedom if I did that to him. I know for certain my sons would not take him as they like their lifestyles too much.

    The people on this website are fantastic, I have never, ever had the help and advice from anyone like these people in all my life.

    I am so very grateful to you and everyone.

    Love and best wishesxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • I respect your wishes sweetthing - it's your life and you are in control of the way you live. I understand you needed to let off steam under the difficult circumstances you are in. I guess it's ok to say something yourself about someone close to you, but not so easy to listen to others doing the same, me included.

    I am upset for you you are subjected to this emotional blackmail and it is sad your sons have learned his behaviour. The council house comment spoke volumes to me.

    I was well proud of you for sticking out over the shopping - you go girl - more of it.

    As I say I think we all appreciate you have made your decision, but please know we are all here and if you just need to have a rant sometime, then do so and tell us not to comment - it's just a rant you need.

    With love

    C XXX

  • Thank you so very much, it is really touching that so many lovely people who I have never met have given me so much back-up and advice. I have made my bed and now I will have to lay in it, it has definitely helped moaning about everything but if I left him and he went into a home I could not live with myself.

    If and when he dies (if he doesn't outlive me of course, knowing him he would just for spite) I could honestly say, I did my best for him and kept him at home. even though I could have honestly throttled him.

    Thank you once again.

    Best wishesxxxxxxxxx

  • Sweetthing,

    You have backbone hunny, believe you me, more than anyone I know. You don't have to justify why you are choosing to stay with your husband, you have your reasons and I respect that. I had a feeling your sons were like your dad, sorry about that.

    You must do what you feel is right or at least what you are able to cope with right now. One step at a time and you must be so proud of yourself for standing up to him to go to the shops. That shows you got backbone and are not a rug being walked all over. You have chosen to stay with your husband and that takes strength of character and inner strength and I applaud you.

    Take care and know that you are highly thought of here xxx

  • Thank you so very, very much. You say I have backbone, myself, I think I am a coward because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left him and he had to go into a home. I could not enjoy my new found freedom knowing I had done that to him, I know he won't change, but I feel stronger in myself and have already changed one thing. We have two separate sitting rooms with a television in each. I now, at 7 pm go into one of the rooms and watch television on my own, I get three hours of peace and quiet, if he wants me, he gives me a call, which at the beginning was every few minutes, I can tell by the sound of his voice or his coughing if he needs me to help him with his breathing, and if he doesn't I don't go in.

    He is gradually stopping calling me. I go in about 8.30 pm and make us supper then go back and watch television. He is not happy about it but I have told him he has to live with it, I am at his beck and call all day so he can stuff it, he needs me more than I need him. He says I am a selfish b####.

    I also get about three hours in the morning as I get up at 7 am, take the dog out and take him a cup of tea in bed, then I don't see him until 10 ish when I have to help him get out of bed. If he wants me he rings the house 'phone from his mobile, but he usually goes back to sleep. So that makes six hours per day that I am on my own.

    He hates going out as he does not want people to see him in a wheelchair and on oxygen etc. I have now told him that if he refuses to go out with me during the week on a nice day then he is on his own, the Matron and physio have gone out of their way to help him try and live a normal life and if he won't then he can stay on his own and wither away.

    Many, many thanks to you and everyone on here, you have given me the strength to carry on and stick up to him also being able to offload all my anger on this site has helped enormously. I never thought that being able to air my problems to anyone would help, but oh my god, I cannot believe how much better I feel about everything.

    We are going to the hospital today for another of his check-ups and I have got my dressed-up clothes out, suede jacket, high heels, jewellery etc. he said what have you got those out for, I said we are going to hospital today, he said that I didn't need to get dressed up, I said yes I do, he said I would make him look scruffy, I told him that he always looked scruffy so what was his problem.

    Gosh I am so proud of myself.

    Thank you once again.

    Love to you all xxxxxxxxxx

  • I read this site...but have never contributed till now....and like you am a carer and this is the first chance I have had since reading your post....i struck a cord with me.....I am a carer for my mother and luckily I have somewhere to flee to at times...my home.... if only for a short time.I ended up at councelling as I couldn't cope with the demands..a completely understand she has a horrible disease and it's scares boh her and me....manyn a tear I have shed for her....but it seems to encompass everything she thinks ,says and does.She gets out every day...I make sure of that unless she has a set back....but according to her she has never had a good or even better day....I was exhausted trying to make her happy....I took her away on small holidays and had to lie as to where I was if I seen my friends or children at uni....my life was becoming one big lie as she was the centre of everything I said and everywhere I went...so I lied continualy...it was as if I couldn't have a life because she didn't have the one she wanted. I have a few health related problems...but she refuses to acknowledge them....I'm worse than you you're illness is nothing...emotionaly it's very difficult as he person you want to love you and worry about you doesn't seem to care at all....Basically the message I got at councelling was....1.to not make her to co dependant...there are things she can do for herself....and it will make her feel better about herself. 2.you do have a right to a life...why would you not? 3.Having quality time to yourself is better than any drug...true! 4.ertBeen given permission to do the above things!

    One thing that helped to was the councellor made me see that she was scared if I was ill or anything might happen to me...what would happen to hr then...helped me understand why she won't acknowledge any problems or hickups in my life.

    I too had wished i could have a big dize of the flu or something that would allow me to hide in bed for a week or two!

    You really need to share this problem...Princess Anne Carers are fantastic and I'm sure they are all over the UK....please seek some support....xxx

  • Thank you so much for your comments, I agree it is terrible living and looking after someone who thinks you have been put on this earth to look after them only, they don't give a jot, what you are feeling like. All my husband talks about is his illness, not 'how are you today love'. He does nothing from morning 'til night, then wonders why when he stands up he has a coughing fit.

    I have now put my foot down and told him if he doesn't start thinking of me a bit more and appreciating what I do, then he can s## off, because he needs me more than I need him. I will try and have more patience with him, but even when I answer the telephone when someone rings me about something or another and I say something, he is there in the background putting in his two pennyworth, then saying you should have said this, you should have said that, so I now take calls or ring someone in a another room so he cannot pick fault with me.

    Thank you so much for your concern, but I have had so much help from the lovely people on this website that I now feel a lot stronger and more able to cope with him.

  • Hi Sweetthing

    I think it takes courage to write such honest from the heart posts. I agree with Gordon i don't think the issue is with your husband having COPD, but the fact that you are caring for someone with an illness. Caring can be avery difficult thing to do, some people will say it is 'just what they do for someone they love' Caring can completely change a relationship - even the most perfect ideal relationships or marriages can suffer. It is not uncommon to feel guilty for feeling resentful to the person you are caring for.

    I would reiterate other members posts who have suggested seeking help - for you. Your local social services can come out and do a carers assessment to identify any needs you have to help you and enable to have a break. Does your GP know you are caring? Your GP can help to make sure you are looked after. Will you give us a call at the helpline? 03000 030 555 - we are here now ready to chat and listen!

    Best Wishes

    Jo

  • Thank you Jo, but I have now started putting my foot down and saying no. I am married to a man who is and has always been domineering, but with this illness it has got worse. I have told him that if I don't get a break I will be ill then he will have to go into a home.

    I am putting my foot down and not being at his beck and call, I am 70 and running up and downstairs for something or another all the time is no joke.

    Thank you for your concern and for giving me your 'phone number.

    Best wishes.xxx

  • From one carer to another - stick up for yourself and let your husband see you are not his or anybody else's dogsbody! Can your sons not help you a bit more? They want to go out for a change, well guess what? so do you. My hubby Pete is brilliant and would never, ever treat me the way your husband is treating you. Put your foot down and give him a kick up the backside. I am sure he is scared but he cannot treat you like this. What will he do if you keel over then? You have a right to a life too and he needs to be sat down and told. Can your GP help? Good luck to you sweetthing and you take care. Thinking of you. xxxxx

  • Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comments. Since I posted my first blog about the problems I am having everyone has been amazing, giving me great advice and do you know, it has made me fighting fit. He can't understand why, I am telling him to get his own stuff, water, papers, tissues, they are only a couple of feet away from him but he won't get off his backside and get them, instead he calls me, even when I am upstairs.

    Not anymore, this worm has turned. If he doesn't like it he can lump it. I cannot believe it, I never answered him back, I just walked away and swore under my breath, he said this morning, he didn't realise I knew so many disgusting swear words and it I ought to be ashamed of myself. I told him to s## off.

    Thank you so much for caring.

    lovexxxxxx

  • Is that for me for standing up for myself.

  • Of course :-D You deserve a round of applause !

  • Everyone on here cares and you are so welcome. Glad things seem to be looking up for you now and don't you go giving in. You are a great lady and your husband is lucky to have you there with him. Hopefully, he may yet realise just what a fine woman you are. Here's hoping! love to you too xxx

  • Thank you so much, I have just posted another blog because the physio came today and I told her everything.

    I have put my foot down and he now knows who is in charge, I should have done this years ago, but it was anything for a quiet life.

    Thank you so much for caring, i really has made a difference to me reading all these comments that have been sen to me.

  • Thank you so much, I can't believe how I have changed, neither does my husband, now I have got the bit between my teeth there is no stopping me. I am always up at 7 am and he stays in bed until 10.30 am which gives me a few hours on my own. When it gets to 11 pm I am shattered and ready for bed, but he wants to stay up until midnight as he is not tired, I have always given in to him before as it was easier than arguing and by the time we get sorted out with his medicines it is going on for 1am.

    Last night I told him I am off to bed, he said you can't I want to watch so and so and it doesn't finish until 12.00, I told him I don't give a damn I am tired so I am off. He would hate being left on his own downstairs as he would have to sort his own medicines, oxygen and nebuliser drops out so he came with me (grumbling) I just said to him, you don't have to come, stay and watch your television. He said, you know I can't stay on my own, so I said if you lived on your own you would have to, he said I couldn't live on my own I would have to go into a home,, so I said yes you would so be grateful you have got me. We were in bed by 11.30 pm.

    We are getting the central heating boiler sorted out this week, getting the garage door repaired, after Christmas for the spring we are decorating the house (getting someone in to do it), having the back garden landscaped, having our soffits, cavity wall insulation and loft insulation done.

    I cannot believe what has happened, I am in a daze with it all. Our granddaughter is coming for the day at the week-end and we are going out to a restaurant for a meal.

    He is still grumbling about not having long left to live, so I tell him to stop being so damned miserable because if he did die soon I would spend, spend,spend, that should keep him going for a while longer, he hates spending money.

    He said today, you have got so damned bossy, you didn't used to be like that. I have told him I am now in charge and if he doesn't like it he knows what he can do.

    Thank you very much for caring I really appreciate it.xxxxxxxxxxxx

    We are now off to bed. Goodnight.

  • You go girl !!!! havn't read all the blog but got the gist of it, he sounds a bit of a git, and you sound like one hell of a lady, love love your humour, you keep posting here sweetthing, and I too am sending you cheers and applause xxx

  • Thank you so much for your comments, the physio came to see him today and I had told him I was going to have words about the way he refuses to do anything, and expects me to be at his beck and call all the time, and sits sitting on his backside all the time running me ragged. He said I had better not, I told him he couldn't stop me.

    I told her everything, how I can't get out of the house because he starts having a coughing fit if he can't see me, she has told him to practice deep breathing as a lot of times it is down to anxiety, to start doing things for himself, like making a cup of tea and not expecting me to do it all. She says now he has a nebuliser and oxygen, all he has to do if I go out is sit down, read a book and relax, and for me to manipulate his back first thing in the morning to get rid of the gunk so he has less gunk during the day.

    He was a very unhappy bunny but she told him straight that if he lived alone like a lot of her patients do, he would have no choice but to get on with it. She has suggested me going out for a couple of hours and see how he goes on.

    I have told him I would give him this week out and next week I am going out for a few hours he said 'if I have a 'do' and I die it will be on your conscience', I said 'it damned well won't, but don't worry, you do die I will give you a good send off'. He said 'what if I stand up to get something whilst you are out and I start coughing what would I do', I said 'well don't stand up to get anything then.'

    He called me a heartless b####, I told him if he didn't shut up I would go out today.. That shut him up.

  • dearest 'hearless b********' you are actually doing him favour, who know's, he may cope very well indeed and his confidence will rise, so very pleased you told the physio, and so very glad she is supporting you, keep us posted xxxx

  • Thank you, I am now in our front lounge just about to watch a film, I can hear him muttering in the other room about something or another but I am ignoring him, if he wants me he can get up and come and see me.

  • Well done sweetthing and hope all goes well for you and hubby. He just needs to know that he can move around carefully and take his time doing one or two things. As medow says, you are doing him a favour and good luck to you. xxx

  • Thank you much, it really is appreciated, I wouldn't have had the guts to stand up to him if it hadn't been for all these lovely people on here.

  • Well done to you. I have been worrying about you all day but am pleased to hear that you are putting your foot down. He has no reason to use his illness as a means to control you. You may be his carer but you are entitled to a life of your own as well. Take care. x

  • I want us both to go out tomorrow, he said he doesn't want to go out so I have told him that he can stay at home and I will go on my own, he said 'you can't leave me ' I told him 'watch me', so he has unwillingly agreed to go.

    He told me tonight that I am getting very aggressive with him and I ought to have more patience, I said patience, I have had patience for nearly 50 years and if I hadn't have had patience I would have throttled you years ago.

  • Love it ! :-D So pleased you're able to stand up to him and have been able to work through this for yourself.

  • Thank you very much for all your support it is really appreciated.

    Best wishes xxxxxxx

  • Hi sweetthing! I don't think there's anything I can add to all the advice above but I can send you some hugs. Can you believe how far you've come in a few days? Amazing!

  • Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

  • Have a good day out with hubby sweetthing and hope all goes well. Take care. xxx

  • Thank you very much, yes we got out, you can read my blog below, it was like getting him ready to go on a months holiday, he was messing about, forgetting things I was up and down the stairs, so I told him we either go now or you stay on your own. We went.

  • Wahay! So glad your strength (which you always had) has now been redirected into taking control of your life and the situation you are in. Good on ya girl. Your posts are now making me smile soooo much. I so admire the way you have taken control of things and it must be a shock to hubby, but I feel you will both benefit from your new stance. Your underlying kindness and humour still shows through.

    Keep us in the loop if you get time.

    Love C XXX

  • Thank you so much, we went out yesterday and you would not believe the dilly dallying he did. We did not get out until 1.30 pm, then he decided he wasn't going shopping with me even though I had brought the wheelchair with us, he was going to stop in the car and wait for me. I told him that I was not rushing, and he said I will ring you if I want you, I told him no, he had to ring 999 and I would hear the sirens if he did. (I knew he wouldn't ring them as it would mean him going back in hospital.)

    I got what I wanted and really enjoyed myself. I took my first full bag back and he said, 'you've been a long time, are we going now', I said I had just got started and off I went again. I then filled another bag, had a good look round and went back to the car. He said 'about time too', so I said 'sod off'. He said I was getting very bossy and he did not like it so I told him he knew what he could do then.

    Anyhow, I enjoyed myself, it would have been a lot better if I could have gone on my own but at least I got out. Next time I am taking a sandwich, a flask of tea and some newspapers then he can have a picnic whilst I am away, that will keep him quiet.

  • Good for you! At least you had a good time and the picnic sounds like a great idea if he just wants to sit in the car. Good luck to you and keep going! xxxx

  • Thank you so much for caring. I am starting to sound like a really bossy housewife now, I never used to say boo to a goose. I went into Asda yesterday on our way out, it was one of those express type stores, not very large.

    When I went to pay there were only two tills open and the queue was down the aisle, really long, and everyone had full baskets. So I said, 'excuse me, can you please open some more tills', they did, and the queues were gone in no time.

    I told my husband and he said 'you're now getting stroppy with the shop assistants, what's up with you.'

    I felt really proud of myself and now no longer feel put on.

  • Oh Sweetthing, what a fantastic story is unfolding!! I wish my sister could take a leaf out of your book.....sadly she won't despite all the good advice from friends, mental health professionals etc. You must be feeling like a prisoner released from jail - go girl !! Just think, you will be warm and hot -watered for this winter, with a Spring house and garden makeover to look forward to - wow! Have your sons taken notice of what is happening, or have they not realised they have a new Supermum yet? I hope they are as supportive as they should be.... look forward to hearing further progress reports.

    Gidge XXX

  • My son said to my husband the other day, 'my mum is getting argumentative isn't she' my husband said, 'I keep telling her that, I don't know what's come over her'. I told them both that the worm has turned and if they didn't like it they could lump it, my daughter-in-law said 'well done mumsie, about time too'.

  • well done Sweetthing,been browsing thro,and i truley applaud all the help that has brought you to the New You !!! keep it up, Newsweetthing,God bless you in your future caring,xxxx

  • Thank you so much, everyone on here are absolutely fantastic.

  • How has it been over the past few days? You've gone very quiet. Hope everythings still going well and he's still behaving himself. x

  • Hello Grannybell, I did not know I had had a blog until this morning. My laptop seemed to have had a problem somewhere.

    Anyhow, thank you so very much for caring, I have just answered Rubyb24 and have been telling her what has been going on.

    He is still as miserable as ever, has now got a cold and thinks he is going to die. I told him 'I should be so lucky'.

    The other day, our children came to visit us and he was as perky as anything. They asked him how he was and he said 'I am fine'. As soon as they went he was back to his 'I feel so ill' scenario. I packed him off into the other room and watched a film on my own, I opened a large tin of roses chocolates, which I had bought for Christmas, made myself a large pint mug of coffee and filled it with Baileys cream liqueur, bliss.

    He poked his head round the door and said he had been calling me and asked what I was doing, when he saw the chocolate his eyes lit up, and asked for some, I told them that if he is so ill, and can't breathe and his throat is so clogged up then chocolates would not do him any good whatsoever, he said that he had cleared his throat so would like a few, I told him that if he started coughing not to call for me.

    Anyhow, the Matron came to see him yesterday and I asked her in front of my husband just how poorly was he.

    She said, she had patients who are on oxygen even when they are sat down, and my husband only needs it when he is walking about, so he needs to do his exercises and build up his muscles instead of sitting down all the time as if he doesn't use them he will lose them. All he says is 'I can't, I can't breathe when I walk about'. She told him that with not moving around enough all the gunk just sits on his chest and he needs to get rid of it.

    She told him that with oxygen he will still get breathless when he is walking about but it is protecting his other organs so with exercise he will build up his muscles and will feel better in the long run. He told her he had no appetite, she told him he wouldn't have as long as he sat down all day doing nothing.

    He told me the next time the Matron comes I can't be with them as I put my two 'pennyworth in all the time, so I told him, fine, then I will go to town and you can see her on your own. I have now got him over a barrel and he knows it.

    Thank you for caring.

    bestwishesxxxxx

  • Hi sweetthing

    I was also wondering how you are doing, I was one of the early posts.

    I dont sleep very well, so was reading and looking at the past blogs,, I couldn't believe it when I saw your blog had over eighty posts,, I have just been reading yours, and am so pleased with your new strength and determination.

    I am sure that apart from the many who posted on here there are many going through what you were experiencing and could not post! I expect you have helped many more be more assertive,

    I think you were very brave to have blogged the first time, it will have given many who rely on family as the main carer, a check to make sure they are not taking advantage...it is very easy to let the illness dominate the ill persons life, on bad days i used to fall into the poor me mode especially in the early days, but I saw the impact on my husband he was trying to hold down a full time job and care for me,, the result was I wasn't doing anything for myself and becoming weaker as a result!! I had to change that for myself,, as I said in my earlier post, we now work as a team, and I ensure he keeps a life for himself..

    I hope you have gone from strength to strength, and hope you blog regularly.

    I realise this is your life, but thank you for sharing it with us,,

    Just one more thing, invite your daughters-in-law to lunch and tell them what a domineering person your is and to not let their husbands get away with it as well. You can help the next generation along the way..

    Wishing you well.

    B.

  • Hello Rubyb24 and thank you so very much for your kind comments. Yes, everything is now as it should be, I am no longer taking any c### from him, he knows who is in charge. When he calls me, and I know for certain (I can tell by his voice) if he is okay or not, I ignore him and carry on with what I am doing. When I do got back in the room he will say 'I was calling for you', I ask him what he wanted he says 'a cup of tea' so I say , 'yes okay, make me one when you make yours' and I leave the room.

    I have started watching the television if the front room on my own in the evening, I am with him from the moment he gets out of bed until in the morning until 7 pm when Emmerdale starts, so I tell him I am having some 'me' time. He says he doesn't see why he has to be on his own in the evening and when he dies I will have all the time in the world to sit on my own and watch television. I tell him I won't be watching television, I will be on a cruise spending all the money we have saved. He asked me why I won't stay in the room and watch television with him so I have told him I am sick of jumping up and down getting things for him, sick of his 'I am ill' non-stop conversations, and sick of the fact that we never talk about anything but his illness. I told him that never once does he ask how am. He tells me he knows I am okay, I tell him it would be nice if he asked now and then.

    Apart from that things are going smoothly, there are more arguments than we have ever had because I am now sticking up for myself, before I just did things without question and inwardly seethed, that is why I went on the lung Foundation blog site to vent my irritation about him.

    He now has a cold, he says he will die today I tell him 'I should be so lucky', he says I am heartless, I say no, just sick to the back teeth with you, I now call him 'Steptoe'. Do you remember Steptoe and Son, Steptoe's son always said ' you miserable old man'.

    Thank you once again for being so caring.

    Best wishesxxxxxxx

  • What a positive and confidant person you have become,,

    I really shouldn't chuckle but you explain your situation so well, I think you have certainly given him 'the proverbially kick up the backside'

    Your life will become much easier, and strong enough to give the care when needed.

    My best wishes to you.,,

    B.xxxx

  • Thank you very much, your comments are really appreciated.

  • Glad to hear you're OK. Has your husband not been on a course of Pulmonary Rehabilitation? A lot of health authorities offer this service now and it is a real help. Often when you are diagnosed with COPD it is very frightening and it can be tempting to give up on anything that causes you to become breathless, but on the rehab course they encourage you to build up your levels of activity very slowly and to realise that you are not going to die every time you get out of breath. They also teach breathing and relaxation techniques which are very helpful. It might be worth broaching the subject with your GP, physio or respiratory nurse. The more you exercise the stronger you become and this is a great help if you do get an infection. These courses are a big success and I'm sure they would do your husband the world of good. Worth a try anyway?

  • Hello, and thank you for your comments. Yes my husband went on this course two years ago and followed it by exercise classes. In January this year he contacted Bronchoectasis on top of his COPD and gets all this gunk stuck in his throat. I have been shown what to do by the physio when he has trouble with his breathing as the gunk sticks in his throat and he cannot get his breath.

    The problems I have been having this year have been terrible, he has lost his appetite, he is literally wasting away as he says he does not have the strength to exercise. The Matron comes to the house as well as the physio to try and get him back on his feet but he has more or less given up and expects me to fetch and carry for him all day long. I have started to put my foot down as I have not left him since January of this year, apart from when he was admitted to hospital. I have told him that if he does not walk about more then he will not be hungry so he will lose weight, all I hear all day is him calling me for something or another but like I have said I have put my foot down because as far as I was concerned I was contributing to his illness by doing everything for him. He has got nasty and bad tempered and talks about dying all the time and last night because I told him it is his own doing that he is not getting better he called me an 'ev*l swi*e'. That is lovely isn't it, we have been married nearly 50 years and he talks to me like that.

    He is annoyed because I am now taking some 'me' time, I watch television in the other room for a couple of hours in the evening to get away from him. I am doing all my Christmas shopping online because I cannot get to town, no-one has offered to sit with him to give me some time to do this as my sons say the same as me, we need to be cruel to be kind, but they don't live with him. and are punishing me by not helping me more by letting me get away from him for a few hours. They come for a couple of ours at the week-end and I spend all my time making sandwiches and playing with my grandchildren and when they go I am shattered.

    I have told him that next week I am going out, he said if he dies when I leave him it will be on my conscience so I told him I would have to live with it then wouldn't I. I think he is depressed but will not take any tablets for it. I have bought Vitamin tablets to try and boost him but he will not take them either.

    If he goes on like this he will be dead by Christmas, I am trying to stick to my guns but he is so nasty I feel like walking out.

  • So sorry to hear about the underlying reasons for his behaviour. You are doing the best thing that you can by trying to get him out of his seat and doing a bit more for himself. Don't feel guilty, some people, when they are ill just want to hurt the ones who are closest as it relieves the anger they feel about the position they are in (my aunt was like that when she had cancer). You are doing your best and have nothing to reproach yourself for. I will be thinking of you, as will others. Don't let the bugger grind you down.

  • Thank you so very much, it is lovely to know that people care.

  • Hi sweetthing - been thinking about you, how's it going? It's a shame one of your sons just doesn't turn up and tell you to go off out for a few hours, but I guess if it hasn't happened yet it's not going to! maybe you could let them read this blog? On another tack, when my husband was in hospital once he had a lovely large Caribbean nurse - when we asked for something or other a second time, she said (and you'll have to imnagine the accent) "I'm sorry, I'm busy, you just have to wait - dat's why you'se called de patient!" So, if circumstances demand, that's what my dear husband is told ! Take care

    Gill

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