British Lung Foundation
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It's too easy

it's too easy for me to say, i'll do that, you sit down, you stay there let me get it,no don't bend over i'll pick it up. in my own way i'm trying to help, saving his energy, or what little of it there is, but am i making him feel redundant?, we have always been a partnership in every way, he worked i brought up the kids, then when he had a stroke 21 yrs ago and couldnt work, i worked. Today dashing out to get the washing in because it was pouring down, he would have always been there helping, now not only can he not 'dash', his pipe doesn't quite reach down the garden. I want to look after him and do things but i don't want to make him feel useless, its a thin line i am supposing.

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11 Replies

I know how you feel, as my husband is trying to do it all for me and all he wants to do is to love and care for me but I sometimes feel so useless and if I wasnt around he would be free to have a better life. As you say its a thin line, but I hate to see him struggling to do it all and work all hours and now am trying to do as much as I can to help but it seems so little. I lead my life at 100mph and in April became ill and diagnosed copd amongst other things in May this year. We are still trying to come to terms with it all and the shock of it has totally thrown our lives into turmoil. All I can say is to try to involve your husband in all you do and see what he wants to do and if he feels able. I really know this is hard for you both but you are a team and I wish you all the best, Luv Lorraine x

I can appreciate how difficult it must be for you amagram, to see your husband struggling. Perhaps if you asked "Would you like me to do that ?" or "Do you need any help with that?" rather than offering to do things for him.

I know I prefer to have a go at things myself first, then if I can't finish doing whatever it is I will ask for help. Half the time I know I'm not going to be able to finish what I've started, but at least I've had a go :)

I try to do what I can, a bit of dusting preparing veg/salad sitting down. I wish I could Hoover iron clean the bathroom but just unable to do it. What you have is special amagran try doing things together even if it’s only doing the tea it makes a hell of a difference. Include him encourage him show him your interested.

Graham and I try our best to do things together yes I think he would do everything but I still need to feel helpful sometimes!

He takes me out we have a great time, going away at the end of the month he loves his full English (vegetarian) in the room at the hotel that’s his little thing puts a smile on his face ha ha :)

thanks all, I shall try to change our day to day activities, xx

You do a brilliant job :) x

Hi amagran, it is important for your husband to do some sort of exercise has he been on PR yet? It might be something for him and you to attend together and will give you both an understanding about how best to manage things. Take a look at the video I posted earlier, it might help you understand a little more.

Also if you haven't got one yet, send off for BLF's dvd 'Living well with COPD. Check out Publications pages:

Good wishes to you both.


I had to retire 10 years ago,because of emphysema ,my wife still works full time,I try to do as much housekeeping as I can,It takes me 4 hours what she can do in one hour ,but when I can I do as much as I can even though it takes a long time. There are many times however when I am unable to do anything it makes me sad when she comes home and there is still everything to do .

My wife is pretty understanding but I think it makes life very difficult for her,but hey we love one another,so we get on with it.

keep puffing


This has been one of my major issues, getting out of breath doing simple chores and having to let my partner take over.. Now he does everything and won't let me do anything and I feel totally and utterly useless. I've only know the bloke 3 yrs, I wasn't like this when I met him, back then I walked everywhere and did everything I could.. I was a strong independent woman who was happy in her own skin and enjoying life for a change. Now I feel as if I'm turning into a lazy old so and so who needs help with everything and can't walk like I use to (I get as far as my back garden some days)

On good days I do try to help but generally get told to leave it, sit down, rest.. I don't want to bleeding rest I want to get up and dance..

Now, I'm going through the acceptance stage, accepting my limitations, letting family take over.. I just need from them is their time, time to sit with me and talk to me, watch a film or tv programme with me but I do get so lonely when their busy working and I'm stuck at home.

My daughter even bought the same books I read so we can find something interesting to talk about, just so she could give me something to look forward to talking about when we're together..

keeping the mind occupied goes a long way..

I know my words may not be helpful but I just wanted to share my little bit..


Hi Eviex, so sorry you are having all these difficulties, do you think maybe chatting with your doc to see if he thinks you could do a pulmonary rehabilitation course, your GP can refer you. The course is for anyone who has deconditioned which unfortunately for us happens very quickly if we don't keep some sort of regular exercise going. Do check out the link I left for Cales on the other blog about this course. Here it is again:

You may be surprised on what can be achieved.

All good wishes

Thanks for info..

2 Years later: Surprise if this reaches you, amagran after all this time. You talk about your husband/partner being poorly. Mine has also been very ill. I have had to take over in many instances but always consult him, and include him in everything and that included all the "stuff" in moving house and terminal cancer. He cant drive his car anymore and lost lots of his independence but it was important to let him feel as much as possible that he was part of the team. xx

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