Weight off my chest : Hi All So sorry... - British Lung Foun...

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Weight off my chest

Hi All

So sorry but I'm here to vent. Last year I spent hundreds of pounds on my back garden with the encouragement of my nephew who lives with me. Part of that was 2 Flamingo Willow trees in planters. I am unable to get down the garden but I have been watching them from my lounge. I noticed that one of them was looking poorly so asked my nephew to have a look at it as I was worried about it being to dry. I thought that he would go down the garden and check it out. He then looked at it from the same window as I do and he said that it was dead. I suggested that maybe it was just really dry to which he replied well it has been sunny. It managed to survive the scorching summer last year so I think not. The whole reason that I asked him to have a look was because I can't get to it so can't check if it's dry,or water it if it is. My only recourse is to get my carer to water it tomorrow and hope that will save it. When my son comes home he will ask me what the carer has done today and will then be furious that they have not been spending their time looking after me but watering my garden. To me doing stuff that I can't do but want done is looking after me. The fact of the matter is if either of them (nephew or son) bothered I would not need to get my carers to do such basic stuff so they could spend more time actually looking after me. Sorry guys, had to get this off my chest as it's been making my breathing harder all afternoon. Feeling a bit better now I've got it all out there.




26 Replies

Oh dear. Well I think you need to be more upfront with them and just tell them you need more help. Don't hint it or expect them to know what you need as they aren't mind readers. I'm afraid if a son did this to me then got furious with the carer watering the garden he would get the rough edge of my tongue. x

in reply to hypercat54

I would have loved to give them the rough side of my tongue but just don't have the ability. Infuriating. I would love to be able to tell them what I need done but every time I pause to take a breath my nephew (who is a carer for people who are unable to speak) speaks on my behalf and takes over and there is no stopping him. He is not putting my wants or needs out there because he has no idea what they are, as has never actually spent the time to listen to me as I need to pause to take a breath every other word, so what chance do I have to say what I want.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to

Well write it down and stand up for yourself. x

in reply to hypercat54

I have been doing that for the last few years. The general consensus seems to be that I am just feeling unwell and so therefore having a rant. (she'll get over it).. You probably understand that Is not the case. I can't be bothered to keep trying to explain to people who really don't want to know.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to

You are not just feeling unwell but you have an illness which stops you doing lots of things so tell them the type of things you can and can't do. Unwell is too vague and probably leaves them feeling a bit confused. x

in reply to hypercat54

They have both been furnished with the full information about COPD and the fact that I am end stage. I have a Dnr in place which they are both aware of. Should I still need to be asking them to make me a cup of tea or water a plant or am I being unreasonable?

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to

No you are not being unreasonable but I have found that men particularly respond better to specifics rather than generalities. What have you got to lose by being more specific? x

in reply to hypercat54

Maybe my life if one of them loses their temper!

Fleurbaby profile image
Fleurbaby in reply to

Show them these posts, I think you are being too sensitive to them! They are not the ones dying! YOU are!

Tell them the truth!

As a man, myself! I can assure you!

We see more "Black & White" than Grey! Ok?

We are not MIND READERS! Tell them!

Bella395 profile image
Bella395 in reply to

That comment is deeply worrying. Please ask to see a social worker urgently. By the sound of it you are not in a safe place.

Don-1931 profile image
Don-1931 in reply to

Steady on there Patsyann, do you honestly think that your life is in danger there? If so that's a very serious situation. It sounds to me that you are just thoroughly fed-up with being poorly and unable to do things for yourself and I hope that is the case. Most of us here have been there and done that and a good rant enables us to let off steam. The trigger seems to have been those darn trees which you asked your nephew to 'take a look at', which he did. What you meant was for him to go down there and give them a bit of TLC. If you think your life is in danger you should follow Bella's advice immediately.

sassy59 profile image
sassy59 in reply to

I do hope you’re joking Patsy, otherwise get rid of them both and change the locks. Don’t live in your home in fear. XX XX

Caspiana profile image
Caspiana in reply to

You sound scared Patsy. You shouldn't be scared. If you feel like you could get hurt , something needs to be done. Bella is right.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to

Oh no - you don't mean they can get physical with you I hope? x

Support is what we're here for Patsyann24!

I really understand what you are saying. If a bit of gardening help is the kind of care that that makes you happy then why not. I hope your plant has perked up and you are feeling better. If it were me I wouldn't mention it to my son, but that's up to you

I think the problem is, you are scared of upsetting either of them in case they leave you on your own, so you are keeping the peace. It wont take 5 minutes to water the tree so your care worker will still have time to look after you as well. Ask your son/nephew to put in a drip feeder that you can control from the tap, this way you wont need to ask in future. I have been independant most of my life and would not put up with this behaviour, but can understand why you feel as you do. You just need to talk to your son and explain how you feel and tell him how your nephew doesnt listen as well. I hope you can make them understand and get on an even keel x

Make notes of what you want to say, ask them to look at you face to face, and tell them exactly what you want them to do. They obviously aren’t listening properly, and most of what you say goes over their heads. Make sure you have a list of specific things you want them to do, and don’t accept any arguments. Do they not have wives/girlfriends that you could enlist on your behalf? Hope you can get a resolution to this problem, it’s making you so unhappy. Best wishes to you.

You asked your nephew to look at the tree and he did, through the window. This is mildly autistic behaviour, which many men display. You need to be more much more specific in what you ask for. My son is autistic and my husband mildly so. When I am unwell he will bring me meals at mealtimes but rarely offers anything in between! I have to ask for a glass of water or anything else I need. After nearly 54 years of marriage I am used to it, but it can be infuriating! Try telling your nephew exactly what you want doing, and you might be surprised. xx

Ha ha completely agree :) x

If you can get hold of some wate4 retaining gel( pound shop/ garden centres.

Get some one to put a pointed stick at a safe distance from the tree??3_6 inches away from the stem.make a hole with the stick and gently shake the crystals down the hole, carefully. Then replace the soil.do a couple more holes round the trees.

Then water,the gel is brilliant.

When I plant new stuff I always put some of the Chrystal underneath where Im planting.

It cuts the watering down.

I understand where you are coming from,I can’t garden like I used to,my husband hates gardening.i get frustrated at the garden,can do 5 - 10 minutes at a time.

Did manage to cut my black currants back last autumn,am so pleased,they are growing!

Back to your flamingo willows, if the worst comes to the worst,buy some more,and get them planted ,including gel !

Re son and nephew- change your will in secret,and laugh to yourself.

Sorry to be wicked. Hope it rains today,so your bushes will ge5 some water.

You could also google about these bushes,check

Which conditions do they prefer?

Are they in the right position? You may find something useful.

Thinking of you.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to Oshgosh

Change her will? Love it :D xx

Before I retired I was a sheltered housing warden.In the old days carers could do any job asked of them.However,this stopped and they had to do essential jobs only.To one elderly tenant it was important that her brass bits and bobs were polished and she got depressed if they weren't. This was no longer allowed. Have you any friends that pop in and could do it for you? As a keen gardener it would be important to me too!

That's the way to do it Patsyann, we all need to speak out now and then but don't always want to speak about our family to their face. Hope your Tree survives and agree families can be frustrating as can be not being able to do it ourselves. Glad you feel better for speaking to us , take care.

Sounds like you need to sit them down and have a good chat about jobs in the garden etc. Reminding them that you would feed them but cant because of your health and you didnt want the plants and trees t die that's why you asked the carer who didnt mind. I would really tell them off if they sulk let them. Have you got another close relative you could have a chat with about the situation. Hope all goes well.x

They sound like my son. I am nearly 70 with copd and cannot manage my garden. At he most i can have one hour trying to sort my p!ants out.

I asked my son if he could lay some more bark (28 l8tr bags) and it's always next week. I have up with him and got a gardener in. He has made an amazing job and it's a delight to sit in garden. My son's reply to this was he would have done it. Do many of you have the same problems with some of your relatives.

Thank you for reading my gang but needed to get it off my chest ✋

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