Under the Knife

[skischool]

Well today was general surgery consultation day whoopee!

In order to present with a suitably impressive bulge i drove to the hospital proudly parking in a disabled parking bay(you still have to pay)displaying my newly acquired badge.I hobbled approx 100 mtrs up the corridor,hastily visiting the League of Ladies cafe to down a large mug of tea and 2 rounds of toast.I love these little old ladies who volunteer and always take them some chocolates and a beaming smile.

I skipped across the corridor and was once again weighed in the clinic.i have

done more weigh ins than Mike Tyson lately then straight into the consultants room and told to lay on a couch,he wasn't there yet and i declined the offer.Why do they always make you lay down,it is easier to diagnose a hernia when you are stood up cos as soon as you lay down gravity sucks your bowels and bits back inside and you end up with a tummy and groin like Twiggy the model(remember her?)

Consultant entered room and retreated behind and almost under desk pointing at my Portable Concentrator and said "whats that"I explained what it was and that i was not about to detonate it and said a silent prayer to the divine being thanking her/him/it that this wasn't my respiratory consultant,Unimpressed with my lump he insisted that i lay on his couch so that he could pummel and kneed my by now painful lump into submission,i can only surmise that he got some perverse pleasure out of doing this or some relief after a frost breakfast encounter with his frosty partner,

Any method other than open surgery with a local anaesthetic was offhandedly rejected due to my lung condition and his equally unimpressive nursing assistant explained to me that Laparoscopic surgery meant inserting various instruments inside me,"well i never new that "i replied with an air of undisguised sarcasm.

Eventually i was asked to sign the usual pre surgery disclaimer and almost in passing and after i had signed the form he said "i may need to remove a testi"I saw various shades of red.in the past i have had a vasectomy and when i met Cecilia a vasectomy reversal(sadly no little skis were conceived)and i have rather become attached to my dangly bits.I quietly advised him that i might need to remove one of his eyes with a rusty spoon should he proceed in that direction.

Perversely on my home i could not get the lyrics of Hitler had only got one **** the other is in the Albert hall out of my head all sung to the melody of Colonei bogeys march,older members of our gang will know it well.

Scruffy our adopted and obviously neutured cat gave me a knowing wink when i arrived at home,

love skis and scruffyxxxxxxxxxx

[cales]

Haha this really made me laugh your a true comedian skis x

[Hidden]

Young sir you are a comedian ....very in-depth account of consultation with them who think they are GOD xxx

[skischool in reply to Hidden]

love the young bit,think i am more of a compliant victim with a bit,,,,,,,,,,,xx

[joyce74]

Hope all goes well with your op and they don't take your sense of humour away.

[Ccupcakes]

ROFL! Brilliant turn of phrase skischool!

[skischool in reply to Ccupcakes]

Ccupcakes,i am a bit thick when it comes to modern abbreviations,may i ask what ROFL means.?if its a bit risque feel free to message me,cheers,,,,skis

[Ccupcakes in reply to skischool]

Oh sorry love, Rolling On Floor Laughing! 😂😂

[skischool]

Please do not injure yourself on my account but equally glad i gave you a good laugh that's what life's all about.........skisx

[Billiejean_2]

Ouch !!!

[Katinka46]

Could do with you as a fly on the wall to write up some of my experiences.

Brilliant.

K

[Weeannie]

So guess I'm singing that song in my head all,day............... lol lol x

[WheezyAnne]

Oh, that made me laugh. Too young to know the words or tune to the Hitler had... Shame really, coz those songs are usually a laugh. Thanks for brightening my morning.

[skischool in reply to WheezyAnne]

i would put the words on here but i think the moderators would have a field day....xx

[MoyB]

Hahaha! I love your account of everything you went through - but can't help thinking 'Ouch!' Good luck when you finally have the op. xx Moy

[helenlw7]

I love your posts, skis, they really brighten up my morning. Can't wait for your next episode.

[kernowdame]

Thanks for the giggle. Carry on, that man!

[Ef0lumps4]

Thanks for the giggle 😂 Hope the painful lump soon sorted. X

[Dragonmum]

Lovely to be able to have a giggle - and your post gave me that in spades; thank you skis!

[Lin76]

Wow,how messed up this doctor sounded! Funny humorous story and excellent writter.Good luck. I feel bad you got to get ****off maybe. Get Hitler off brain,ya ain't like him! Ask before ya sign any more papers. Wish you the best.