What should I do? Please help

I'm Sofia and I'm 16years old. My dad, 65, has COPD Emphysema. He's on his last stage now and does not have long to go. He's been suffering my whole life, I hardly know him due to this illness. I've been strong and cared for him my whole life but now it's got to the stage I'm weaker and now that I'm older I'm seeing what's happening and I can understand more.. it's getting to me. He's so weak and can't move and it's hard for me to tell him how I feel as i never have, it's awkward. His mental state is worsening. I thought of going to councilling as i just break down. It makes me so upset seeing him the way he is even though he's been like this mainly my whole life. Could someone please give me advice? I'm not sure how this works but no one I know has lost a parent or have watched them suffer for this long and this site seems the right place to be. Thank you. X

39 Replies

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  • What a lot for you do deal with Sofia and my heart goes out to you. Do you have any other family or anyone close who can help. You do need help now and shouldn't be going through this alone.

    Take a deep breath and tell your dad how you feel, he needs to hear that.

    Sending you love and hugs and strength to get through this. Xxx

  • Thank you so much I haven't ever spoken to anyone about this.. I will try and talk to family about it. It's hard for me to express my feelings but I get that that's what i need to work on! I'll do that.

    Thank you so much xxx

  • Ring 03000 030 555 to speak to one of the BLF nurses during office hours Monday to Friday. Bless you Sofia. Xxxxz

  • Okay! Thank you xxx

  • Oh my goodness Sofia, I so feel for you. What a burden you're been carrying seeing your dad so depleted and weak. No wonder you are breaking down. Can you speak to your doctor and tell him/her how YOU feel, and see if you can access any counselling? It would be good for you to have a regular outlet. And it would also help you think about how to talk to your dad. If you have things left unsaid when he passes on that may be very hard for you.

    Im wondering how you get support at the moment - family members? I wasn't clear reading your post if you are actually a carer for your dad. If you are, then there are organisations which help young carers - Barnados is one. But you will always find someone here to talk to as well. Also do you ever get any time off as you need some respite from this, so you can go back refreshed after a break.

    I see you've got a reply from Sassy - one of the kindest people here - and see she's given you the BLF helpline number. I agree, call them. And keep coming on here when you need to. Sending love and strength, jean

  • Thank you so much or replying. I will try and talk to my dad. I don't know what I'm going to be like when he passes so yes i do need to talk to him. I'm not a carer. I used to be but moved to a different house, he now has his own carers. It really helps to talk about this even on here. It's really helped thank you x

  • You're welcome Sofia. :) I don't know if you've kept a journal - that can help in getting your thoughts out of your head - externalising they call it. Sometimes that helps in being able to let go some of the distress, or at least act as a 'container' for it. xx

  • I was considering getting one of them! I will put it on my Christmas list!! I think that'll really help, thanks again xx

  • Your dad would not want you to be this unhappy. He is at the stage where only to be comfortable matters. There is nothing much more anyone can do for him, so long as he is comfortable and has all his basic needs, which I expect the carers to give him.

    Now you need to concentrate on yourself, your happiness, your well being,

    Tell your dad you love him, that you are there for him when he needs you, but PLEASE get on with your own life.

    Love and Best Wishes.

    Eric.

  • Hello Sofia I'm so sorry to hear about your dad I also have copd due to smoking.

    Can you not talk to your mom or a older member of your family but like another member has pointed out ring BLF I do hope you get some help but we are always hear if you want to talk

  • I can yes, I'll try it's just hard for me to let down my wall. Thank you so much I'll try my hardest to talk to my family more

  • It's not a bad thing to let down your wall when I found out I had COPD I came home and cried then I made a plan to go forward give up smoking and exercise more

  • Wow good on you!! It's my goal to let down my wall

  • Sofia

    You've had really good advice.

    Having lost my own dad, I can only say, be brave and tell him whatever you need to say while you can. Regret is so hard to deal with. Say what you can while you can.

    Very warmest wishes

    F.

  • Thank you so much, I needed to hear that. Hope you're coping well.

    I'll do my best

  • I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible watching loved ones suffering. If you can't tell your dad, how about writing it down? Counselling sounds like a good idea, you need some support for yourself. When people are ill all the focus tends to be on them, family and Carers can be forgotten. I'm sure your dad knows how much you care though. You are right, this is a good place to be. Lots of people on here can understand and hopefully make suggestions that will help.

  • You are very young to be coping with all this but you have had some good advice. I hope you get the help you need. With love xx

  • Thank you! Xx

  • I do understand how you feel, having been through similar circumstances myself, but I was older than you and felt I had to stay strong and not show my feelings. I urge you to now take the bull by the horns and sit and have a nice long chat with your father. He probably feels he can't talk to you about things and he probably worries about the effect this is having on you, etc., so perhaps the two of you could open up your feelings and thoughts to each other. I promise you you will feel a lot better about things, and I am sure your Dad would not worry so much about you.....be proud of yourself for handling this situation for so long and for putting others first, BUT the time has come when you have to put your feelings first and be honest about them. Try and take care of yourself, and make sure you do not bottle everything up any more. One last thought....a HUG never does anyone any harm!! :) All the very best to you.

  • That's helped so much thank you!! I'll try everything you said, really appreciate your reply!

  • You are a very brave young lady, try to speak to your family they will understand. It's hard seeing anyone so ill no matter how old you are. Your dad must be so proud of you. Keep in touch and we are all here if you need us. Take care, and keep smiling. Love Berny 😊 xxx

  • Thank you! I appreciate that so much. Everyone's reply has really helped!:) xxx

  • You are a credit to the youth of today. If you have thought about councilling then I would advise you take it. You may have found just by letting it out, so much on here has made a differance. I did when I was in ICU for a very long time.

    Make sure that you are looking after yourself as well I am sure you do not want to be down in front of your dad.

    BE Well

  • Thank you! Yes I will look further into councilling. I hope you're well!

    Thank you so much

  • Hi I am amazed at your strength and endurance especially at so young an age. I agree totally with the others that you need to tell him how you feel and that you love him. As a parent he is probably full of regrets and pain that your life has been so affected by his illness. Spend as much quality time with him as you can and try and build up some good memories for when when he is no longer there.

    I also agree that you need more help to deal with your feelings and you need to look after yourself too. We are here for you so stay with us and we will help all we can. Take care x

  • Yes I really need to work on my feelings! I'll try my best, thank you ever so much for the reply it's helped so much!! You too X

  • Hi Sophia. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband is also at the end stage of copd. It is a wicked condition. You need to get yourself some help. Have you got a young carers project near to you. They are marvellous and whilst they cannot make everything better, they can listen and support you emotionally. To see someone you love suffering from this lung condition is frightening and heartbreaking as there is nothing we can do. I hope you find some comfort soon. You sound like an amazing daughter. I wish you well.

  • I hope you're coping okay?! I'll try councilling ect. Thank you so so much. You too x

  • Awwww bless you Sofia ... this can't be easy & my heart goes out to you ... I lost my dad a few years ago ... it was sooooo hard & emotionally draining watching him deteriorate ... you feel you have to remain strong & keep everything locked up inside which can make you feel very alone ... the best advice I can give you is use the time you have with your dad now to tell him everything you want like how much you love him etc ... SHARE how you feel emotionally with a friend or family member ... it's okay to cry & breakdown !!!! ... counselling is a good option so don't rule it out ... sometimes easier to talk to a stranger !!!! ... We're always here for you so don't be afraid to keep posting for support & advice ... take care sweetheart xxxxxx

  • Oh I hope you're doing wel!! Thank you so much for the advice I will try everything. Really appreciate it! Xxxx

  • Hello Sophia,

    You really are a beacon in this day and age, when young people are all being tarred with the same brush, and made out to be uncaring. I can't offer any better advice than that which has been offered here by your HU friends, but I do wish you well for your future, so talk to your Dad. He knows you love him:-)

    xx

  • Thank you:') I wish you well too xx

  • I sat down with my Mum many years ago and told her all the things your hoping to tell your Dad...Please do it...it creates a memory that will get you through the future...I have never regretted that hour...as she passed with a look of contentment in her eyes...It's kept me going all these years...Please speak to him with your heart.

  • I'm going to try and do that definitely. Thank you so much!

  • Sophia you are so brave and grown up. So young with many years ahead of you and so those years must be filled with fond thoughts of your father. Tell him you love him but then that is not enough. You need to put your arms around him and hold him close and then tell him how much you love him and that he will always be part of you. Let him know that he will always be in your heart as you whisper in his ear. My dear mother who has long departed always knew how much I loved her as I always wanted her to know, even as I was growing up. You will always be glad that your father knew how much you care for him and love him.

  • Thank you so much for that advice I'll definitely try it. It's helped so much!!

  • Sofia so young to witness such sorrow. I know where you are coming from, I watched my entire family die before my eyes. I can tell you this, take his hand in yours and gently squeeze it, it's not always words people in his state can understand but a gentle squeeze can mean the world. Tell him you love him and will always love him and that it's time for him to let go and go to a better place where there is no pain. Tell him he will forever be in your heart and thoughts every day and thank him for being your dad. Rest your head on his chest and remember the beat of his heart that once gave you life. Know that he will be watching over you for ever. You are a strong young girl who has had to grow up pretty fast with sickness around you so yes you put up walls of protection and as you got older and were able to understand it got harder to accept.

    No one wants to see a family member suffer the way you have so it was easier to block it out, not talk about it. Now you need to and not feel bad about your feelings, it sucks big time and it hurts. It hurts like hell but you need to realize and understand there is nothing you can do now nor was there anything you could have done to change the out come for your dad. You have been loving and caring and he knows that and so do the people around you. He is in the best place now with people who can make him more comfortable. You have so much living to do, so start being a 16 year old. That will make your dad happy, do things in your day then when you see him tell him. You might think he doesn't hear or understand, trust me he does and he feels your touch. Fill his days with you being a teenager full of life. Live life Sofia

  • Thank you so so much. I'm going to try, I appreciate your reply so much. I hope you're doing well x

  • I will do better knowing you are just being a funny teenager, leave the other stuff for the adults to deal with. Love your daddy and visit him tell him all you are doing, let him live through your day. You have so much living to do and mistakes to make lol. Merry Christmas

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