Hope you all have a good weekend
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
It's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
I backed horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
I asked the butcher, do you have pigs feet, he replied yes sir I do. So I asked where do you get your shoes from then
So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were cold; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
I went to a "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Edited to remove unsuitable tags