Hello everyone.

From reading your posts over the last few months I have such admiration for the way you all cope with lung disease. I joined the site last year because my son was diagnosed with stage four copd. He is forty two years old.

What I didn`t mention at the time was that throughout his life he has had multiple addictions and even now smokes heroin and takes methadone and strong beer.

I have tried so hard to help him but every time he gets an appointment he says `it`s all a waste of time`

Now I find myself almost wishing it were all over although I love him very much.

I know no-one will have much sympathy for him or probably me...just wanted to share my sorrow.

Sorry to be so depressing I wish you all the best luck in the world x

33 Replies

  • bless you thinking of you x

  • hi sorry to hear about your son .and of course you will have sympathy for him he is your son who you love. addiction is horrid but still an illness im sure nobody will think bad of you for being there for him i hope it all works it self out for you both xx

  • We do feel for you ,what a bad situation you are in feel free too come on here and have a chat when you need

    It's terrible for you when your son won't help himself and not fair on you ,but you can't make him and you obviously love him or you wouldn't have shared your thoughts

    Please take care


  • I have enormous sympathy for you and your son. I have a son who is 33, and had an addictive personality especially for alcohol. He does not have health issues yet but will if he doesn't get help. I love him very much too.

    It is so sad to watch someone we love take that wrong turn in life. What can you do other than be there.

    Never feel that nobody understands or empathises because they do.

    Wishing you well. Xxx

  • Hi chna, pleased to meet you.

    You must absolutely not think we wouldn't listen to you..... Of course we will..... Friends are here for you.

    You are in a terrible situation, made all the more difficult because your son is not accepting the help he needs.

    Your son is ill, he has an addiction & it's very difficult to get someone in his position to admit it & seek help.

    It must be very sad for you to watch your son like this but none of it is your fault.

    I'm not an expert & can't give you any more help than to say I wish you luck.

    I hope your son gets help for his sake & yours.

    Please come on & chat to us any time you want. There will always be someone with a sympathetic ear willing to listen to you.

    Take care 🌺

  • Which appointment is he not keeping.........Is he seeing anyone about his COPD or his drug use ?

  • Hello chna

    I am so glad you have shared this heart breaking situation you are in. I can't imagine just how difficult this must be for you.

    You musn't assume sweetheart that we do not have sympathy with your son or indeed with you. On the contrary I am full of admiration at the way you have dealt with this tremendously difficult situation. I feel sad for you son too. He really can't deal with his copd whilst he is battling with other health issues i.e. his addictions.

    I am wondering if you are having to deal with all of this on your own or if you have a supportive family. Also wondering if you have had any professional support for yourself.

    Please know we are here for you anytime if you need to offload, need some support or need/want to chat.

    It might be an idea to speak to someone at BLF too.

    Take care hun.

    Love cx

  • Wrong, I have bucket loads of sympathy for him and even more for you. I wish there was something I could say which would help but there are no words. I am thinking of you both and all your family. Take care and stay strong darling.

    Come in any time and we will do all we can to support you both. xx

  • Hello Chna

    Please do not think that you are on your own and nobody cares, the members on this site are not judgemental and will offer their help and support whenever you need it.

    You obviously are doing your best to help your son, he has an illness.

    Addiction is an illness just as real as any other, and needs medical intervention. Your son is in denial, and he is incapable of thinking straight while his brain is addled with drugs,

    Residential rehabilitation is a fantastic way to battle this illness, but sadly in this country places are few and far between on the NHS.

    Try showing him your post and replies you have had, and ask if he will visit his GP urgently for help.

    Best wishes and we are always her for you

    Velvet xx

  • Oh dear chna. I have a relative who's an addict. Over many years we've got him every help available, but he misses appointments, won't answer the door to his keyworker, is secretive, manipulative, & can be aggressive. I have thought "it would be better for everyone if he just overdosed one day & didn't wake up". Then I feel terrible, but I'm only human.

    As we all know, addicts have to want to get better, we can't do it for them. What I've learned is, you'll run yourself ragged, looking after him when he's incapable, dealing with his crises, worrying yourself sick, and at the end of it all he'll be no better, but YOU'LL be exhausted and ill. Much as you love him, you have to try & distance yourself a bit, or you'll get dragged down with him.

    As others have said, there's usually someone here to tell your troubles to, don't hesitate to pop in when you need us. I feel so sad for you, and your poor son, but you must take care of yourself. You sound so depressed and unhappy, and no wonder with the strain you're under.

  • I can only agree with the replies of all the others on this forum. You are in a nightmare situation, there are support groups for families of addicts, as well as the addicts themselves. Have you contacted them? None of it is your fault. As the others have addiction is an illness. I hope you have good family and friend support. And the members on this site are excellent listeners, and have brilliant advice.

    All the best

    K xxx

  • Yep me too, feel for you. I have COPD and what else is it except that I smoked for years? My nurse just says to me "We don't go there. There's no point, guilt and recrimination." Of course I have sympathy for you - a painful road you are traveling. Keep in touch with us. x piggi

  • This is a site for everybody. Sorry for what you are going through. Just try and be there for him. I have to be there for my husband when he is being ignorant not going to his doctors appointments for diabetes, but now I have it too and mine is getting worse he thinks he can have a back seat and I wont moan, but I will as that's what we do about those we care for. Be strong and let him know you are always there for him xx

  • I feel very sorry for your pain, but only your son can do anything to change things x

  • I feel very sorry for you and your son. If he won't accept help then please try and get some help and support for yourself.

  • I am so glad you can reach out, your son is more than his addictions. Although I'm sure at times is hard to see him behind the addictions, sounds like it's getting very painful indeed, have you any support around you? There are agencies that support families of people living with addictions, reach out to them too, please take good care of you, you and your son are of great value xxxx

  • Dear chna, I feel so much for you both. It's tough when you have to give someone you love the space to make their own mistakes and you can see it's damaging them. Have you tried Al-Anon, the support group for friends and relatives of alcoholics? You can find out more about them at al-anonuk.org.uk/ - there will probably be a regular meeting near where you live.

  • Good Morning, I have read your post and my heart goes out to you. Addicition of any sort is horrendous but seeing this in your son must be completely heart breaking. Is there any help support you could get - just for you to help you cope? Sending you lots of love and hugs, TAD xxx

  • Would you be willing to join one of the groups for people who have addicts in their family? There are often posters up in health clinics and Doctors surgeries...you'd be among people going through the same difficulties as yourself...in the meantime please take care of yourself xxx

  • Hi

    I heard you, heroin is a addiction and a lot of people don't understand it's a disease. My brother was a addict to this, I tried n tried to help him, he went into rehab 3 times, prison too. Nothing I said would ring home, not even death scared him. He was 36 when he passed away 3 years ago. This disease robbed me of a brother , but I have come to the cont that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. The last time he was admitted to hospital for chest pains, they told him he was going to die, and his body was giving up. He discharge himself and said they don't know what they are talking about. He didn't last long after that. I speak to a lot of people like yourself, and what people don't understand is there is no help for us, we have to watch them every day destroy themselves, and yes it bloody hurts. Nobody understands our pain it's heartbreaking. I think of my brother everyday n wish it could of been different but his legacy has taught my daughter that drugs kill n has kept her on the straight path. He might not of saved himself but he taught my daughter to save herself n I'm eternally grateful for that. I now take comfort that he has to suffer no more as that was no life it was just an existence every day to score heroin. I for one have a lot of empathy for you, I wish I could just come to you and give you the biggest hug ever, stay strong n never give up hope, I know a few how have beaten this horrible disease but it is a few. the issue also is there is not much help for heroin addicts, only methodone, swapping one drug for another. But they take them off the methodone too soon n hope to ween them off it. It doesn't work. I have though about it n just don't know what the answer is. I wish you both the best xxx

  • Thanks for such an understanding reply Liz you have been where I am now and I thought I was the only one.

    You are right about scoring drugs being the most important thing to addicts no matter if they have to literally drag themselves to the dealers using the little bit of breathe they have left.

    Paul (my son) has two appointments next week. One with the respiratory nurse and one with the consultant.

    My only hope of him attending either is to say I will pay him five pounds for each appointment.

    It sounds so crazy but I will try anything now.

    All love and luck with your life Liz you deserve it x x

  • Addiction is an illness,many people do not acknowledge that.Stay strong for your son i lost my son to addiction so i really do feel for you.

  • Chna why wouldn`t we have sympathy with both you and your son ! Many of us understand addiction, many of us were addicts, addicted to the dreadful weed. Our children can cause us so much pain but if we didn`t love them we wouldn`t care or feel that pain.

    I can understand you almost wishing it was all over, that`s only human. You`re feeling his pain and your own. Wish I could lessen your load but I can only send you lots of love and the good people on here will always be ready to listen, God Bless, Sheila xx

  • I certainly have sympathy for you both, and I just thank God every day that neither of my sons has gone down this route (but I would never be complacent to think it could never happen). It is so easy for anyone to fall into bad habits and addiction of any type (it's not as if this is the life they would have chosen for themselves). I really do sympathise with your problem - it will be breaking your heart to watch him self-destruct without being able to help (and I know you will have given your all to help him). I can totally understand you wanting it to be all over, because the heartbreak is just getting too much to bear. Are there no support groups to help you with this? Maybe if you call the BLF helpline they will be able to give you some names? I wish you both all the very best and hope that your son can start helping himself for both your sakes. Please don't think you are in any way to blame, because you are not. Sending best wishes xx

  • my heart goes out to anyone hooked on drugs, we should never judge them. Your son sounds like hes given up on himself, cant be easy for him. Best to just be there for him without lecturing or judging, that all you can do.

  • So sorry to hear about son. You can always share your feelings with everyone on this site. Everybody has feelings towards one another and care. Don't feel lonely.

    You just have to support him.

    Wishing you strength love.


  • Please don't think that we don't care because we do. Addictions are terrible and so difficult to overcome. Please look after yourself. Thinking of you both, take care xx

  • Hi chna 7

    So sorry to hear about your son's illness. I too have stage 1V COPD but at 65, am considerably older than your son. I live alone and still mange to do stuff etc. He is very fortunate to have such a caring and supportive mother. Has he been given inhalers, medication etc? It might help, even if he is using heroin and alcohol. I suppose he is not interested in support groups. I guess, all you can do is continue to love and support him. I will say a prayer for you both. (ignore if you are agnostic or atheist)

    Please look after yourself.


  • So many touching responses to my post. Thank you all so much. Your messages of hope actually brought tears to my eyes (I haven`t allowed myself the luxury of crying for many years)

    Suddenly I didn`t feel quite so alone anymore.

    And found the courage to carry on for however long this lasts.

    All my love to you dear people x

  • No, dear, it is hard to deal with your children because we love them NO MATTER. I had an ex husband who took heroin and used methadone. But he used a needle. I can see where the smoke could do your lungs in. Forty-two is young, although I did see a young guy of 35 in a hospital waiting room who had COPD very bad and was even on oxygen.

    I remember my ex once telling me, that he knew he would be on it the rest of his life. He pictured himself no other way....

    I am sorry for you. Us mothers suffer more than the child. We will still be in pain even when they refuse to listen and finally die on us. We feel so helpless.

  • Thanks for being so open with me. My son too used a needle until his veins collapsed. He always said he would go to rehab if he could come home but I think you can guess the rest. So sorry your husband had the same problems maybe it would be easier for me if he was any other relation than my son. I still see the blond haired boy who loved to go fishing with his dad and somehow I can`t get past that.....

    I must be depressing the hell out of you all but I am so grateful to have found people who understand.

    I wish you all the best with everything you do


  • I understand and have both sympathy and empathy. Sadly I don't have any solutions. I know this is of limited help but remember that you cannot live his life for him. All you can do is to let him know that you're there for him if he ever wants to change things. In the meantime, look after yourself and cherish your own life. Easier said than done, I know, but it is all you can do.

    Big heartfelt hugs to you xxx

  • China7:

    And, I'm sure you have tried "Tough Love," too. Nothing works. They have to want to do it on their own. But I figured if I wasn't an enabler, he would get to his lowest point and then go for help...but it's the help that scares them....just them thinking of losing their "friend", their "need", is what really scares them.

    My ex went into prison, too. Now you would think that would be enough to keep him off the stuff if he just got by on a daily basis for 3-years without it! No! What happens is, the day they are released, they go hanging with the old familiar crowd or acquaintances and, so, then they go back to it.

    They have to AVOID hanging with anyone of them forever and ever or they will never have that monkey off their back. And, they KNOW that, too.

    Wish I could tell you what to do, but I tried every single thing and not one of them worked. My heart is with you and I AM glad that my ex was not my son because you cannot divorce your son and then go on with your life.

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