Hi, I'm in desperate need for advice. For that I need to tell the whole long story that includes my mothers (82 years) sickness.
My father (83 years) has copd in the last stage. He is also diabetic, has heart problems, osteoporosis and a ulcer that regularly bleeds. My husband and I moved to my parents in January 2015 to help my mom and him. Many times we thought the end is near. At one point he was constantly in delirium seeing people and things that aren't there. But he got over that and could cope quite well with a lot of help. My father is incredibly independent, hating beeing dependent on my husband and me. In September my mother fell off the stairs, broke several bones and has gone since then through a lot of difficulties including a open tennis ball big bedsore, clocked Arterie in her leg, complete incontinence etc. she does not want to stand up anymore.
My father became very aggressive short after her fall, insulting my husband, trying to hit him then doing the same with me. Screaming and raging. He wanted us to leave. Started talking bad about us in front of my mother neighbours siblings and other family members. After taking care that some one will look after them, we had to leave. I went through a nervous breakdown but recovered. My mom gave up since then. We visit her daily but most of the time my father puts an enormous pressure on her, that she needs to stand up must gain control over her life, must work and write. It's awful! Most of the time she says no and pulls herself more and more back in herself. She hardly eats and is becoming very confused. But sometimes she agrees just to quiet him up. The moment he is out of the room she tells us that she does not want to fight and be please left alone.
Yesterday my father told me that I am standing in her way to become healthy. I sing with her, we read poems I tell her stories from work, comb her hair, massage her legs etc. the only thing she eats are my soups.
I'm telling this whole long story because I have no idea how to deal with this situation. It seems my father hates me. But I know it's not really him. He can hardly move screams out every breath gets regular panic attacks etc. but he has an extremely strong will. It keeps him up. Most days he manages to get dressed and sometimes goes out with a driver. He wants to move with my mother in a small cottage getting a nurse in once a day and about 5 hours drive away from us. There is no way that can work. He has a carer sleeping at their home and my mom has 24 hour care. Plus her only wish is to be near to us.
My father refuses to celebrate Christmas and would prefer never seeing us again.
We now decided to skip the visits for three days and will go and visit my mom on the 24th. My father refuses a mental check up. He is absolutely sure that he has no mental issues. He has lost track of time, sometimes gets little scary stupid attacks that are frightening, always again is completely astonished hearing about his health situation, has no relationship to reality concerning his health and daily life. Learning after almost every doctors visit that he will not recover from copd but everytime this news is completely new for him.
Same time he seems to have all under control, seems reasonable and mentally fit. Does anybody know about similar experiences concerning mental health? Is there anything I can do? How must I react? How can I protect my mother? Where does all this bitterness and dislike come from? He now changed his very good doctor because the doctor does not react to any pressure. He is now back with his old doctor who prescribed wrong and out of date medication but adores my father. He wants my mom also to change doctors. He told her yesterday she must go back to hospital if she refuses to stand up. He is absolutely sure and convinced that she needs him as a guru (his own words) to force her out of bed. Sitting is already so painful for her that she screams. Her left foot has hardly any blood flow and she can't feel it. She hates standing up gets panic attacks and screams in pain. Sometimes she tries to creep away... My husband and I are more or less alone in this situation. Rest of family is far away and no one wants to allow the thought that my father might not be who he used to be and is loosing the plot.
I could go on and on and maybe I'm in the completly wrong forum here. But seeing copd is very strongly involved I hope to get advice or a tip where I can find help.
Thank you for reading all of this.