Frank Carson Humour

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum

cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When

I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I

was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a

coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought

to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our

local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one

cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check

her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver

was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to

myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe

that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that" says

Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume

she was poor - she only had £1..20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the

foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I

would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the

worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table

when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no

reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they

wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse

the bloomin thing.

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six

people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could

be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat

it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and

when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry

and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and

says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have

their picks nicked.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the

head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

5 Replies

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  • Brilliant :-) :-) :-)

  • Brilliant! A lot of funny ones there! 😂😂

  • Good ones! Made me smile lol

  • "It's the way I tell'em!" Brilliant, Dan! Keep 'em coming. Luv 'em.

  • Very good, lmao. Set me up for the day that laugh has. x

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