Relatives of Cancer

Hi there, its day 2 of our family being hit by the hardest news ever, that my dad has advanced lung cancer which has spread into his bones. I live in Ireland and my Dad in the UK. I saw him last weekend before diagnosis and he looked like a frail old man, hes only 66. I just knew inside last weekend that it was going to be cancer. Im trying to be strong but am finding it so hard to accept that he has been told he only has months to live. I have never heard or seen my dad cry ever in my life and im 38. I spoke to him this morning to see how he slept and asked how he was he said he was pi**ed off and then broke down crying on the phone. my heart is breaking at the thoughts of his sadness. Am looking for support from other relatives or cancer patients themselves as am really struggling especially being across the water. Have flights booked for next weekend. Dad has the palliative care nurse attending today I just hope she gives him strength to face whatever is next. feeling sad. :(

36 Replies

  • I just want to offer my sincere sympathies for your sad situation and hope that you dad gets all the help and support he can. Such a difficult time for the whole family I am sure. Bless you and I hope that someone can offer advice soon.

    Take care and hugs to you and your dad. xx

  • thank u so much for ur kind words Sassy truly appreciated. xxx

  • dcryan - I read your message with sympathy. I know exactly what you are going through. My husband had it in the prostate and it had spread all over his body. In the middle of all this, we had to move house to be near daughter. Just as well because the support, or lack of it, was really bad where we lived before. Things wont be easy. I wont pretend otherwise, but you will be given the strength to cope. I would advise you to hang on every precious moment with him. Please feel free to PM me any time you are feeling low. I am thinking about you - XX

  • thanks so much pergola. my heart is breaking and I cant stop the tears. great for a grown man eh ! its like I know we are going to lose him and my head keeps rushing to that day but Im struggling so much with hearing him cry. it only happened this morning so I know the tears will dry as time goes on and we all find strength to deal with this awful news. Thanks for being honest and thank you for lovely thoughts. They really are appreciated. I just wanted to speak to someone who knew how I felt you know. so sorry to hear about your husband xxx

  • It's good for grown men to cry. In your case you have plenty to cry about. My thoughts are with you at this awful time. Take care of yourself as your Dad is going to need your strength.

  • I am so sorry for you. So difficult. Sending you lots of love and especially to your Dad xxx

  • thank you TADAW my god people are so nice on here. really appreciate your post xx

  • Hi I am so sorry to hear this. I have lost a couple of good friends to lung cancer and it is awful. All you can do is be there for your beloved dad and treasure your last few months with him. I am thinking of you. Take care. x

  • thank you. it must have been so hard for you. I cant even begin to think about that day its going to be so hard. once he finds the strength to accept it I think i too will find the strength also. xx

  • Just take it day by day and try not to think too far ahead. Talk to him about the past and funny family stories etc. xx

  • Sorry to hear your sad news, its such a big shock even when you are expecting bad news. My dad died years ago and he had stomach,lung and bone cancer, he was distraught like your dad and myself and my family felt helpless, but he was given care by the palliative nurses who were wonderful and he died a peaceful death. All you can do is help and support him through this difficult time. You can also get some support for yourself by talking to the palliative care nurses who understand what you are going through. Speak to your Doctor who will give you more information. My best wishes go out to you, please keep strong. Hugs, Tina.xx

  • thank u so much Tina for the advice I think I will speak to my GP I never realised that I could speak to a palliative nurse too. Im a bit in the dark re support so this is really helpful. your lovely words are truly appreciated xx

  • Yes he should be receiving palliative care as he has had a terminal diagnosis. Get the doctor or the hospital to arrange it. This will be a team who will help to make him as comfortable as possible and is patient centred. x

  • Hi, love, what an awful time for you, your Dad and all your family. It must be so hard to take in, and try to come to terms with it all. I hope you all get the care you need and find the strength to get through it. My Sister in law had terminal breast cancer and had the most wonderful care and support from the Marie Curie nurses, I know it can't make it go away, but it certainly helped us all in many different ways. It must be very difficult, being so far away, does he live alone ? you don't mention your Mum, is she still with him?

    Sending warm thoughts and prayers for you all.

    Love and hugs,

    Christine. XXX

  • Hi Christine thanks for your lovely words. Its all so very hard. I want to fast forward to the time where hes accepted it and where hes ready to fight and where we all have the strength to help him. Mum is with him and shes being a treasure. She only cries when he;s sleeping shes being so strong I dont know how. My sister also lives in Ireland up the North and flew over today to be with him. Im going back next weekend. Hes been very weepy today which has just made me even sadder yknow. My sisters texting and said each time he cries he just says he doesnt want to leave us all. Its breaking my heart and im just not feeling strong enough to cope today. Hope today brings new strength for us all. xxxx

  • Hi, love, I'm glad your Mum is with him, she will need a lot of support and looking after, but you sound like a lovely, close knit family, even though the miles divide you, so I'm sure you'll all pull together and support each other the best you can.

    Thinking of you.

    Christine. XXX

  • Hello and welcome to the forum.

    I am sure you will find much help, support and comfort from the members.

    Don't forget to look after you self during this distressing time. You need all the strength at the moment. Try to eat well even if you don't feel like it - little and often.

    Have you spoken to a blf nurse. Number on the website, not sure about the call charges from Ireland but they are an amazing team.

    Please let us know how you get on.


  • I am so sorry for you. I lost my own darling dad to lung cancer and it was so hard. You will find though that you find the strength to be brave for him. Then you will look back and know that you did that for him. Thinking of you all. M x

  • thanks so much xxx

  • I am very sorry to hear your sad news. Very hard for you living at a distance. I have to agree the palliative nurses are worth their weight in gold in these circumstances. I think everybody on this site will have you and your father in their thoughts. If you feel low, do say so on this site as, I am sure, somebody will know what you are going through. Kaye x

  • Do you know if I have to call my dads palliative nurse or can I ask my GP for one in ireland to talk to? Thanks so much for your lovely words xx

  • I'm sorry to hear the sad news. I offer you my sympathy and strength to get through this tough time.

  • thanks so much xxx

  • I'm sorry to hear of your dad's diagnosis. I lost my partner of 32 years to it it 2011. I can feel the sick feeling rising at the thought of what your all going through right now.

    My partner didn't even feel ill and it took 6 weeks to find the cause of his severe itching. By the time they diagnosed lung cancer, it had spread to his liver. I've never felt so helpless in all my life. It was devastating.

    All I can say is, hold him and hug him, whenever he needs it. When words can't be found, nothing can say more than the human touch. That's what my partner told me made him feel better able to cope.

    My heart goes out to you. xx

  • thanks casper for your lovely words so good to hear from the people on this site. I cry with every post I read but I know deep down somewhere im taking strength from them too. Hope someday soon the strength will rise. Dads been in desperate pain for 10 weeks and they told him he cracked a rib and it could take 2 weeks to heal. Then when the pain didnt go away they said it was gallstones. Up until 2 weeks ago he was awaiting a date to have gall bladder removed. Then the CT scans took place. I took mum and dad on a Cruise in June so glad we had that time together. He was in desperate pain still but soldiered on. He was just thankful it was nothing serious as at that time his diagnosis was gallbladder. Its heartbreaking. I cant wait to give him a hug. xx

  • Am so sorry to hear of your dads diagnosis. Hopefully he will get all the care that he needs. My thoughts are with you and your dad. Take care xx

  • I am so very sad for you dc, your dear Dad, Mum and family. Maybe you will get the chance when you get to see him to speak to his care team. In the meantime you might want to contact the BLF nurses and councellors (click the red balloon above for 'phone number) Mon to Fri.

    You don't feel strong enough today but once you are with your family you will find the strength. I agree with casper - hold him and hug him.

    Please know we are all here for you.

    With love


  • Hi dcryan, so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad to COPD 9 years ago, make the most of your time with him. Thinking of you, sending you BIG hugs xox :)

  • I have Stage 4 Lung Cancer. It is hard to accept and come to terms with for both the person and their family.

    Please feel free to PM me at anytime. If I can help at all don't hesitate.

    I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

    Love Suzyxxx

  • thanks so much Suzy so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. really appreciate your kind words xxx

  • Such sad news for you and your family,after the initial shock and tears,strength will come and help you all to deal with this diagnosis.For your Dad acceptance will eventually kick in and you will be able to support him through this sad time.

    There is a certain release in crying and it can help sometimes. I lost my husband aged 32 and my Dad to this terrible disease,so know how you are feeling. Sending you positive thoughts,strength and lots of sympathy tinged with love to you all.

  • Just want to add my sympathies to you & your family,what a very sad time for you all.

    Don't be ashamed of your tears,your Dad deserves them,& you need to release your sorrow.

    It does make it hard as well,not living close by,but it sounds as though you & your sister will be able to take it in turns to be there.

    Bless your Mum,don't forget she will need a lot of support,which I am sure you are aware of.

    Do come on here,whenever you need to talk,there is usually someone around,whatever the hour.

    With gentle hugs to you all,

    Love Wen xxx

  • Sorry to hear of your tragic news about your Dad, this will be a difficult time for you and the family especially your mum, there are no words to express reactions in these circumstances we all react different and your dads reaction is not unusual. Take care of yourself as you will need every ounce of strength to support your parents through this, my heart goes out to you. The hardest part is knowing there is nothing you can do but make things as easy as possible and give as much time as you have, each day is precious. My thoughts are with you xx

  • Thank u Katie xx

  • It makes me so sad when I hear things like your post.

    Please don't worry about shedding tears, it's a coping mechanism both for you and your Dad. It's a difficult time for all your family, but you seem quite close knit and very supportive.

    You can always talk to the Macmillan nurses, you don't need a referral.

    I am in remission from lung cancer and they helped me. ( I am on my own) there is a booklet 'Managing lung cancer symptoms' and'living with lung cancer'.

    It is from the Roy Castle foundation. you can call cancer helpline free on 0333 323 7200 ( option 2). Your Mum will need the love and support from you and your sister, and I know you will give it as well as getting it.

    Let your Mum and Dad know how much you love them and care, wish I had had the support you are giving.

    Sending you and your family love and please find the strength to cope with the coming months.

    God bless you all


  • Thanks etch for ur kind words. Im so overwhelmed by the support of this group xx

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