Merry Christmas from Australia

Diary OF an ENGLISHMAN IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .

Now this is a town that knows how to live!

Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.

I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.

It was beautiful.

I've finally found my new home.

I love it here.

September 13

Really heating up now.

It got to 31 today.

No problem though.

Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.

I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.

Lots of palms and rocks.

No more mowing lawns for me!

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

It's Paradise !

October 10

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least today it's windy though.

Keeps the flies off a bit.

Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.

Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed three days off work.

What a dumb thing to do..

Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.

By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.

The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.

I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25

- This wind is a bastard.

It feels like a giant f***** blow dryer.

And it's hot as hell!

The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30

- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f******* air conditioner.

House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.

Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.

Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4

Finally got the air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.

Stupid repairman.

F******** thief.

November 8

- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'

I'm going to throttle him.

F******* heat!

By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.

F******* place is the end of the Earth.

November 9

- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.

I thought my f******* backside was on fire.

I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f******* backside.

Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried backside and baked cat.

F***. F***. F***.

November 10

-- The Weather report might as well be a f****** recording..

Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny, Hot and f****** sunny.

It never f*******changes!

It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

F***

November 15

- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f****** place?

Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f****** pool.

The only things that thrive in this f******* hell-hole are the flies.

You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20

- Welcome to HELL!

It got to 45 f***** degrees today.

Now the air conditioner gone in my car.

The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'

I wanted to shove the car up his backside.

Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.

F******* Karratha!

What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here!

December 1

- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!

You are f******* kidding me!

DIARY

OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .

Now this is a town that knows how to live!

Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.

I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.

It was beautiful.

I've finally found my new home.

I love it here.

September 13

Really heating up now.

It got to 31 today.

No problem though.

Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.

I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.

Lots of palms and rocks.

No more mowing lawns for me!

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

It's Paradise !

October 10

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least today it's windy though.

Keeps the flies off a bit.

Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.

Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed three days off work.

What a dumb thing to do..

Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.

By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.

The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.

I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25

- This wind is a bastard.

It feels like a giant f***** blow dryer.

And it's hot as hell!

The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30

- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f******* air conditioner.

House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.

Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.

Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4

Finally got the air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.

Stupid repairman.

F******** thief.

November 8

- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'

I'm going to throttle him.

F******* heat!

By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.

F******* place is the end of the Earth.

November 9

- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.

I thought my f******* backside was on fire.

I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my f******* backside.

Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried backside and baked cat.

F***. F***. F***.

November 10

-- The Weather report might as well be a f****** recording..

Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny, Hot and f****** sunny.

It never f*******changes!

It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

F***

November 15

- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f****** place?

Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f****** pool.

The only things that thrive in this f******* hell-hole are the flies.

You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20

- Welcome to HELL!

It got to 45 f***** degrees today.

Now the air conditioner gone in my car.

The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'

I wanted to shove the car up his backside.

Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.

F******* Karratha!

What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here!

December 1

- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!

You are f******* kidding me!

Ciao,

Tony

12 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Oh Tony, I am sorry but I laughed a lot reading your diary, and I wondered "are you serious ?". But I imagine you are. I hope the summer will not be too long for you.... and the winter will be cool enough for you to recharge.... Anyhow, I wish you and your family a peaceful, happy and healthy Christmas and all the very best for 2015. xxx :) Do I dare ask: is it hot enough for you today?

  • OMG Tony,I was having a right old lend of you,soo funny,but can relate in some ways.Do hope things get better,or are you already on the plane back to the UK.? Lol.

    Happy Xmas,they say it will be a hot one!!

    If you believe it,they say,it takes 2 years to acclimatise,so you're half way there!

    Best wishes to you & your family,please don't have a hot lunch for Xmas! xxx

  • Good story....and the moral is.......

  • Great story and my daughter would agree! Christmas is here and every single year since going out there she has wanted to be somewhere cooler!!!! Never mind, you could look at it this way, at least you are not flooded!!!

  • That is one funny posting Tony! Now you will have to keep letting us know how you are getting along. I spent 10 years in Canada and it did take me a couple of summers to feel comfortable in the heat. God! How I sweated during those first long unforgiving days. Like living in a sauna! Never did get used to the winters though. B....y cold, B....y snow and bright sunshine when you needed sunglasses all the time outdoors esp for driving. I suppose you wouldn't mind a bit of snow right now. Eh? Still, you can always come back here to our murky winter days and our decidedly iffy summers! Hope you have a great Christmas and New Year anyway despite the heat.

    Sara

  • Loved it :d Can you send some warm here please? x

  • That was absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the giggles. Is it your experience ?

  • HI Tony

    Still Sounds better out there compared to the dark damp cold polluted days in South London where I am.

    Sorry to here about your air conditioning problems though.

    Did you find the climate helped your breathing / lung condition moving there ?

    I hope to visit Melbourne next year to see relations so I'll probably find out, but surely it must better than Blighty !

    Andy

  • Don't know who you are but your post is blumin brilliant, thanx, feeling a little more contented here in the cold fog now, I'd still like to experience what you have though, do you remember your fingers chilled to the bone?

    Su

  • made me smile, :) you'll need to keep posting [more than one post!!!, don't save it all up :D ] , maybe when it cools a bit :D best of luck to you anyway , a merry christmas [no sledging now :D ] and a very happy new year ,,jimmy :)

    diary of a scotsman living in scotlanD ,,,,

    from october till now,,,,,,,,,,, :D ,

    freezing cold :D

    snowing :)

    blowing a gale, pouring with rain right now, :)

    its snowing in perth, right now :)

    , i've been knackered with pain, foot killing me,, breathing shocking,

    apart from that, its much like where you are :D :D [just jealous lol :D ]

    p,s the forecast is a lot better tomorrow, its to go up to 3 degrees :D

    all the very best mate,, all in good fun jimmy :)

  • Oh dear Tony, sorry but i could'nt help laughing!! Xx

  • Hi Tony,

    Is the Gold Coast better?

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