I'm a little scared.

A lot of the time, like a few people on here I get a little scared because I don’t understand what is happening.

Even though I am on oxygen 24/7 and can control my breathing, for the past week I have been unusually morbid and down in the dumps.

Soon I shall be 82 years old and for the past nine years having fought Cancer and hopefully beaten it have been nothing but optimistic about my Emphysema, though very aware that it was getting worse.

Today I seem to have reached the end of my tether and wonder how much longer I can go on.

The painful struggle trying to breathe after the slightest effort is intolerable, and to be aware that the end of my life may be near is sad.

If this was raving on a winters day it might be appropriate but on a beautiful summer day it is totally unacceptable.

I dare not tell my wife of 55 years how I feel but feel safer expressing myself here amongst friends that know what demons we face on a daily basis.

I have decided to give myself a week of Antibiotics and if that doesn’t work we shall take it from there, In the meantime, from any of you that are panting like a puppy let me know about your worst moments and how you coped, remember I am on oxygen 24/7.

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  • Hi 80+ My health is nowhere near as bad as yours ( I have emphysema and Asbestosis attacking my lungs in very different ways but both with the same end result, and I'm only 56 and used to be very sporty until 7 years ago now I probably won't see retirement age ?) I regularly get down during the night when I'm awake with my discomfort and there is no sound around, barring the thoughts in my head, which shoot all over the place. Like you I try not to discuss all my concerns, aches and pains etc. too much with my wife, as she is a natural worrier, and I don't want to cause her any more stress. But I do talk to her about important and major issues, and I think it's important you talk to your wife. But my wife and my family keep me going (daughter getting married in Sept) and think how they would feel if I wasn't here!!! and all the hurt I would cause them, this will come soon enough without my intervention. I always think that regardless of my ailments I can still bring happiness to people and be part of their lives (even if it's just being a pain), and it's a part of their lives they would miss. I then start thinking that i might be just going through a bad phase and in a weeks time circumstances will have changed and I'm back to my normal grumpy self. We all have times of being down but when your down, the only way is up, so you have to be strong and positive and talk to your wife about your feeling, there will be a lot of people out there that Love You

    Stay Strong - Plumbob

  • Thank you Plumbob. I really appreciate your reply.

  • Hi Plumbob , Sorry to hear you are feeling down and struggling so much , its a lot to cope with , I am on oxygen over night and when i do stuff during the day , I go to my local Hospice and they have been wonderful , they understand how people feel and are so good to talk to which is a great help to me , it might be worth contacting them if you havent already done so . Please let us know how you get on . Sending hugs to you and hoping you feel a bit more positive soon . (( Hugs )) x

  • Hi Zaney Thanks for the offer of Hugs but I think they were meant for 80+ who was down, you were reading my response to 80+ being down !! I always try to stay positive, but I was just saying no matter how strong you are you will always get down times and you have to find strength from those around you to pull you back up !!

    Hugs greatly appreciated though !!!! (LOL) Don't worry Be Happy x

  • Ooops sorry , Yes my reply was meant for Eightyplus , Hope you enjoyed the hugs . :-)

  • Lovely reply Plumbob. I am sorry you are feeling so down eightyplus. Life is a b.....sometimes isn't it? I agree to talk to your wife, she probably knows anyway as you have been married for over half a century. No one knows you better than she does after all. Have you been back to your doctor? There might be something they can do. Take care xx

  • Thanks coughalot1. Will take care.

  • My heart goes out to you eightyplus. Funnily enough I have been on a real downer this past week...I have been having all sorts of breathing problems, as they are cutting the grass in all the fields that surround this farm house which i rent....it's been awful. And the hot weather hasn't helped at all. But, I have found myself thinking like you and wondering if it would be better if I weren't here. I have never admitted to myself that I get depressed, but sometimes I know I do. You are very lucky in the fact that you have a wife and honestly, I would open up to her and tell her how you are feeling...that way you and she can help each other..I do not have a partner and I have no family that would particularly be worried if I weren't here....and this illness does tend to make one feeling alone. Oh dear, I didn't mean to sound negative......I am grateful that I am not yet at the end of my tether, but I am most sympathetic to your feelings and I wish you well. Take care - and do talk to your wife if you can!!!! :)

  • Well I have been reading your posts and replies and thought I would add my husband is 66 and has severe COPD (uses ambulatory oxygen) but is very down at the moment. His medications were changed and I wondered is yours had that can sometimes affect your breathing. Also it is the time of the year with pollen etc. Firstly I would advise you go to the doctor - my husband always takes steroids with antibiotics which is very helpful. He has just finished his second course today. We are not sure if it is an infection or the anti-anxiety drugs that have really affected his breathing.

    Please talk to your wife - I have only been with my husband 25 years - but I know him very well and she will be worried about you. She will know that you are feeling down and sad but maybe she doesn't know how to approach it with you. I was really shocked when my husband out of the blue said "I don't want to go to hospital"! I hadn't realised how much his poor breathing was affecting him. Found him on his hands and knees the night before last trying to get up the stairs!

    My advise would be - talk! Please talk to your wife. Please visit your gp and explain how you are feeling and perhaps you could look at different meds. Please talk to the BLF helpline and ask their advise - they should be able to discuss your meds and advise if something could be changed to help you.

    Finally you are not on your own here - even when it feels like it! We are all here to support you. Take good care, lots of love TAD xx

  • Hi 80+ I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low with such beautiful weather outside. You are very lucky to have a wife of 55 years. I am surprised your not worn out with a wife that is 25 years younger than you!

    Any way may be a little trip to the Docs for a check up and tell him how you are feeling. I am sure your wife already knows how you are feeling and is probably worrying.

    I have had asthma from the age of two and was diagnosed with Copd in my twenties. Generally i have ignored it taken my medicine as a good little girl but just carried on as normal. I have had several boughts of pneumonia over the years the last one being the most frightening. where ever I can I stay away from hospitals. At present I am having injections for asthma which are every 4 weeks and see the specialist every 6 now they want to see me at a different hospital so I am getting a bit fed up as I am trying to keep working. I am now 54 trying to work out how I will get to retirement age which has managed to move 6 years to 66. Just make the most of each day as best you can.

    I think it is a bit like a roller coaster some days your on the way down take a few more pills and before you know it your on the way up again. Give your wife a great big kiss and tell yourself you feel better and happy today you will be surprised what a positive pep talk can do Best wishes to you both Irene

  • hopetorun, Hi!

    'I'm very lucky to have a wife of 55 years should have read (for) 55 years.'

    You certainly put a smile on my face this morning and simply had to share my amusement with her.

    Thank you for the laughter Irene and the encouragement.

    Allan.

  • Hi Allan

    I am glad you had a giggle it does make things seem a bit better.

    Best wishes to you both Irene

  • Hello 80+ I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling with your dependence on 24/7 oxygen as you mention. All the things that have happened to you are big changes, the Cancer which you have nearly beaten, which proves how strong you are in mind...the 'E' however is another issue, this won't go away...however, having the oxygen to support may in due course allow you to feel a bit more comfortable than you do and due to the climatic changes recently, you may have picked up a lung infection, which is a wise choice to go onto the antibiotics. I know you don't want to express your feelings to your dear wife, (just as my hubby doesn't sometimes, but I eventually get it out of him - through 'nagging' of course), I feel that by not telling her, will only cause you to keep your issues and concerns to yourself and eventually make you feel worse than you already do and to some extent cause further friction between you. By sharing your thoughts, no matter how 'dark' they may be, it can feel like a weight lifted and who knows, if you both are anything like my hubby and I, we find a 'dark comedy' about certain things and can laugh about it...I hope you are able to talk to your dear wife as I am sure she will notice the change in you and be concerned anyway....take care 80+.....;)

  • Awww, I'm really sorry your feeling so low eightyplus. I agree, you should have a word with your wife and also pay a visit to the GP. You sound thoroughly worn down with it all and the Dr may be able to prescribe something to help you pick yourself back up.

    I'll pray that you feel a bit better tomorrow. xxx

  • Dear Eightyplus

    Beautiful Summer days are far more depressing than dank Winter evenings because we remember how glorious life was before this wretched illness took us over. Totally empathise with you although I won't reach your age unless a miracle happens!

    My attempted remedy is to try and see humour in situations - sometimes hard work but I do try. My o.h has stood on my oxygen line more than once, which has me laughing helplessly because of the hysterically funny scene in 'Airplane' - also the puzzled look on his face when it happens is pretty priceless and has me wheezing all over the place!! If you've never seen it I'll have a look on YouTube.

    Jude xx

  • Isn't it wonderful how easy we find it is to laugh at ourselves?

    If only the rest of the world could join in.

    My thanks for all of the good wishes for my loving wife and myself.

    Allan.

  • Some days are better than others. Am trying homeopathic remedy that seems to be helping a lot. Oriclear lung formula ... from sinuswars.

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