ive been banned from tesco:)

yesterday i was at my local tesco store buying a large bag "chappie" dog food, for my loyal pet, and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind asked me if i had a dog,,,what did she think i had,,an elephant!! so since im retired and have little to do, on impulse i told her no, i didnt have a dog, i was starting "the dog diet again",,,,,,,

i added that i probably shouldnt, because i finished up in hospital last time, but i,d lost 10 kilograms before i woke up in intensive care with tubes coming from most of my orifices and iv,s in both arms.

i told her i her it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pockets with "chappie" nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. the food is nutritionally complete so it works well and was going to try it again,,, [i have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story]

horrified , she asked me if i ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me, i told her no,,,,

,,,i stepped off the kerb to sniff an irish setter,s ass, and a car hit me:)

i thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard

i am now banned from tesco,s :) :)

72 Replies

  • Brilliant! :) :) :) :) x

  • glad you liked it cough, kindest regards jimmy xxx:)

  • Thats a good un Jimmy, glad to see your still full of fun despite all your probs.

    Keep it up !

  • hope your keeping well bri, if i had have put arse, i might have been banned from the forum as well as tesco,s ha ha :)

    i actually have a wee mongrel brian, its mother was a cairn,,, its faither wisnae cairn?:) all the best bri. jimmy

  • Oh Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, you loveable funny rogue you. That is so funny tears are falling and I'm dribbling through laughing so much. xx

  • ha ha ha,, glad i made you laugh suzie, its only a little harmless fun,,,im now off to change my catheter bag,,,im walking like john wayne again:),, love jimmy xxx

  • :) :) :)

  • What are you like Jimmy! At a guess great fun.

    love cx

  • :)

  • :) :) :) xxx

  • Excellent jimmy and hope you are keeping ok. Take care xxxxx :))

  • Brilliant!

  • Love it very funny

  • thanks all,glad you had a smile, and yes i am feeling somewhat better now, many thanks,,jimmy xxx

  • Oh Jimmy, what are we going to do with you? You have really got me going, and I am not sure if its true or not. I can imagine it being true!! I laughed so much that I had to run to the loo with tears of laughter running down my face. That's the second day in a row that has happened in response to a joke. I do hope you haven't been banned from Tesco's. They can't ban you for having a laugh!! See, how you have got me going. I don't know how much of it is true or not!! Well done Jimmy for giving us such a laugh on a horrible day. There is a thunderstorm going on just now, so my laptop is running on the battery only. Unplugged it from the mains when the lightning was overhead. I have a power surge preventer or whatever they are called, but I thought it best to take no chances.

    Your tale of eating chappie dog food reminds me of a time when I played a practical joke on friends who had come round to watch a dvd. I had dogs at the time and was looking after a neighbours rabbit. So I put a couple of dishes of doggie and rabbit treats out among the normal nibbles! They were the type of treats that looked like healthy snacks. Everyone but me ate them! I should add that I checked the ingredients and the only thing that was present and we would not normally eat was ash! They were all so engrossed in the film that they just got stuck into everything. I put out crisps and other savoury things as well. One friend (male), actually asked me where he could buy one particular treat! I told him to hang on as I had some spare, so I then handed him an unopened packet of the one he liked. I'll never forget the look on his face! Or the others for that matter. hee hee hee. They all got their own back on me at one time or another. What a laugh we had. Going back to your story, I can imagine the queue at the checkout and all their faces. Well done for giving us such a chuckle. Hope you are keeping as well as is possible. Take care, hugs xxxx ps ...no humans were harmed in this joke!

  • I got banned from Weymouth beach! I am a big punch and judy fan and could do the voice without a swazzal. The show was 10 mins away from starting and there was a group of small children sitting on the sand waiting and fidgeting. I was leaning on the promenades railings when the urge came on to me and just spoke to the children in Mr Punches best voice I could muster. "Hi Children Mr Punches dad here" Well it was a shock that so many turned around and then all of them as I started asking their names and how old they are Etc. My wife who was a little embarrassed and is named Judith was just cringing by my side. Myself and the kids were having great fun when I got a tap on the shoulder and it was a policeman with the upset punch and judy man. You really do not know how hard it was NOT to say "Hello Policeman Plod"

    But the policeman said I have to leave the beach as the show is about to start and he does pay Weymouth council the right to perform! I was allowed to say goodbye to the children who waved me on my way! After we had promised not to do it again the policeman asked where I have my punch and judy stall I felt so proud. Wife was mortified and hoped it would of discouraged me. ( Never)


  • Hi Offcut, you have made my day. That is just soooo hilarious, and its true! Often the funniest things are the true ones. Ooh I can just imagine your wife being totally mortified. At the same time you entertained the kids and I can picture your pride when asked by pc Plod where your punch and Judy stall was! The real punch and judy man must have felt very threatened by your skills to get the police to you!!! ha ha ha. Its a bit harsh banning you from the beach though. I like how you say "we" when you had to promise not to do it again, and it was just you doing it! Typical! LOL hugs xxx

  • hi offcut, that must have been hilarious, i wonder how the policeman would have taken it, if you had have said "hello policeman plod" bet the kids would have enjoyed it lol,,, especially with your wife being "judy" judith,, i did really laugh at your post,, brilliant,,,yip, sometimes true stories are best,,, thanks for the laugh:),, i enjoyed that,, jimmy

  • Well, offcut, if you were banned from the beach, you can always do it from the sea, that's not ruled by the council but by the maritime authorities!!!

  • Might find it hard to get the kids to sit still if the tide is coming in :)

  • hi hugs, thanks for your funny reply, im not saying my story was true or not:) ? but i do remember something similar to your story which was actually true, the old bus conductors and bus conductresses

    used to work "broken shifts" 4 hours on, then 2 hours break, then 4 hours on, it was not uncommon to have both man and wife working in the same depot,but different shifts , i remember my pals mother [a bus conductress] leaving a plate of spam like, dog food in the fridge for the dog, her husband [a bus conductor] came home from his from his broken shift, sliced the dog food, and made a sandwich with it, i think he quite enjoyed it,,until his wife asked that evening,,,where,s the dog food that was in the fridge?,, i think he must have felt a bit queasy then ha ha, often true stories are the best best ,, im keeping ok at the moment hugs,you take care now and thanks for your funny story:), keep smiling,,best regards jimmy xxx

  • Another good one Jimmy! lol I can just picture his face when he realised what he had eaten! What a hoot! ha ha ha I'm pleased you are keeping ok at the moment and long may it remain that way. Thanks again for your funny stories. Sleep well. night night. hugs xxx

  • ah your lovely hugs,, i had a good night thanks, hope you did too,, jimmy xxx

  • Thank you Jimmy, you have made my day. I think you are a special man who is an inspiration to us all. I am typing this very carefully as I woke up with my neck locked over to the right. I can only move it very slightly and even that is agony. I am putting ice packs on it. I am sure it will improve later. Have a great day and be good! hugs xx

  • thanks hugs, just seen this before i go,,,,strangely enough,i woke up the same!!!, my neck is still locked and quite sore, i have been trying to exercise it gently from side to side then trying up, then down,, but very stiff and sore for some reason,slightly better now than it was early this morning, hope yours improves as the day goes on,, kind thoughts,,jimmy xxx

    p,s i,ll be good :) ha ha [if i can x]

  • Sorry about your neck Jimmy. That's a strange coincidence isn't it? I have now put my neck in a collar which means I can move it ever so slightly. It really was agonising, and the collar has helped a lot. I am getting acupuncture for my neck at the moment, so generally things were getting better that way, until this happened this morning. Hopefully with the collar on and applying an ice pack every so often will help it. Kind thoughts to you also Jimmy. I see you live in Edinburgh, lovely city. I lived there for a year. Take care, hugs xx

  • i hope your neck is somewhat better now hugs, mine has improved a lot,, love jimmy xxx

  • Hi JImmy, My neck is slowly improving. All the problems with my neck, and coughing so violently caused neuralgia at the back of my head, which is absolutely agonising, although improving slightly. I was at physio today getting acupuncture in my neck at the back. I am glad your neck is nearly better, keep doing the exercises and if you think it is muscular heat is probably best, but if there is any inflammation ice is best as heat will make any inflammation worse.

    Keep well Jimmy, and take care, I will try and post some funnies tomorrow. hugs xxxx

  • when you say "agonising" i know well what you mean, the problem with me is my spine is fused due to ankylosing spond. i get this neuralgic pain both in my neck [which is slowly fusing,,[ but i wont let it lol] and in my lower leg/ankle/foot, the pain is almost unbarable at times,,,, the neck,, well i have to keep it moving at all costs, or it will fuse, but the lower legs is due to "clumped nerves ,, at the base of my spine, so very painful indeed, thats why i get that injection called "humira" its what they call an anti, tnf, drug,,,my house is like boots the chemist lol..look forward to your funnies hugs,,nighty night,,jimmy xxxx

  • just an amusing thought hugs, if anyone says were drifting off the thread,,, we,ll just say weve both got "hard necks" :),, def. off now,, jimmy xxx

  • Ha ha. Very good Jimmy. Or we could say that we are lopsided at the moment and cannot see straight. By the way, I was at the health centre today kicking some a--. I spoke to the Practice Manager who was very helpful. Be good now. Talk soon. nighty night night. hugs xx

  • What a shame Jimmy, you have got all that to put up with. Life's not fair sometimes, and we just have to deal with the hand we are dealt. Luckily, you have got a great sense of humour and that helps you cope. I know I can find something funny often in the most dire of circumstances ( like a funeral). Its not disrespect, but its just that I see or hear something that is funny. I keep it to myself at the time. Even the family of the bereaved (much later), I can sometimes relate an incident and they find it funny too. Have a lovely sleep Jimmy, and I'll probably "speak" to you tomorrow. hugs xxx

  • :p

  • Love it, she asked for that did'nt she!!!! could not stop laughing for some time when l read it, thanks to you l am now breathless again!!!but then l'd rather get breathless via a good laugh than anything else, well almost anything else!!!

  • hi sue, sorry to have made you breathless again, but glad you had a good laugh, as you say, better to be breathless via a good laugh,,,,well almost anything!! :) good one sue,, all the best now,,jimmy xxx

  • I was barred from my local pub once by the landlady coz she didn't like me. All my friends were still allowed in but not me. That is until the landlady found out that her partner had been s.......... the woman from the butchers in the ladies toilets. Well the landlady packed her bag and took herself and the dog off. The landlord immediately let me back in saying he hadn't barred me! :) x

  • oh cough, thats shocking ,,ha ha ha,,,glad you got back in:),,jimmy

  • I was barred once from a pub coughalot,but as I don't do pubs I wasn't to fussed either way, I thro drinks over 2 people , nearly got the chair on there head but I was barred and I didn't do anything wrong, but was a nice feeling,went home smiling,xxx

  • ha ha ha. You threw drinks over 2 people, but you didn't do anything wrong?" Pull the other one!!! I am desperately trying to remember if I have been barred from anywhere, but I can't think of any. I will need to work on that. LOL Sleep well, hugs xxx

  • :) :) xxx

  • its good to know you done nothing wrong?? twiceshy,:)as long as you went home smiling [as i am now lol],, best regards jimy

  • keep smiling jimmy, :) :) xxx

  • Lol lol

  • Love this! :) xxxxx

  • Be careful Jimmy, wolfing down that dog food is sending you a little barking mad me thinks! :)

  • dall05 all i can say to you is,, bow wow lol:),,

    p,s it was some"tail" i told ha ha,, all the best dall ,,jimmy

  • Damn funny that is Jimmy ! :)

  • glad you liked it puff:), it made me laugh as well,,jimmy

  • Hi Puff, and waggy tails from me too. woof woof.

  • That story really has cheered me up. Thanks

  • glad of that lanc,, we all need cheered up at times lol,,jimmy

  • ...Nice one Jimmyw123 ! - how on earth did you keep a straight face -telling that story ? !! ...

  • thats how i got barred ha ha,, for NOT keeping a straight face:) good luck vitt,, jimmy

  • You must be barking Jimmy !! (And to those of a certain age did you hear about the gay dog who preferred his Pal compared to his Lassie?)

  • ha ha, brilliant plumbob:) i heard that "pal" was now going out with "chappie" ,, lol its shocking,,, all these gay dogs,,, take care plumb,,jimmy

  • Oh jimmy, just briliant

  • ha ha ha,, glad you liked it "mus"t... all the best,,jimmy

  • Honestly, she should of been banded for lack of humour. Had she honestly no idea u were pulling her leg. As for tesco,s,seems they to have no sense of humour. A good laugh never hurt anyone, waiting in sole less queue might!!#

  • sometimes i exaggerate slightly,, im now going up to tescos,,, to see my "chum" , your right pam, a good laugh never hurt anyone,, take care jimmy xx

  • You daft bat, nearly choked on my coffee, still laughing. That'll teach me to have a drink when reading your jokes., keep em coming. xx

  • ha ha bet you had brand new"tea" shirt on too,,

    keep smiling "need".,,jimmy xxx

  • Jimmy, I never know whether you are joking or not ;-)

  • i tend to joke a little,at times poems:) lol,, but was i banned from tescos,,,,,,,,,,,,or not ha ha,,,,, best wishes,,jimmy

  • :-) :-) Tell the staff that the "dog diet" is very much better from Sainsbury's if you can't buy it from TEsco. That's why, after all that they loose money because they don't care about their customers, so customers go away to Sainsbury's where they have several samples of dog diets on trial and served by a pretty lady who wipes the mouth of every new customer and gives a tickle on their belly, and gives vouchers, if customer will go and pee on the lamppost near the petrol station.By peeing in such a way, this establishes the dog diet track back to Sainsbury's, boosting customer reviews and sales on their new cheaper diet!!!

  • :) :)

  • That's really made me laugh-I'll share that joke it's a great one!:) :)

  • hi daf,, glad you had a laugh,, jimmy:)

  • We needed that laugh after todays along car journey.

    Many thanks.

  • thanks indeed budgie. jimmy :)

  • very good lol thank you xx

  • thank you undine,, regards jimmy xxx

  • brilliant - cracked me up

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