Regarding relatives and friiends

I have posted this questiin before but it seems to ha dissapeared into obscurity ..so bear with me ! I have had respiratory problems all my lire im 66. And now classed as stage 3/4 my husband is in his 70,s a verry fit...luckily. .he helps me me so much and for that am eternally greatfull the thing is he gets verry upset at times he,s on antidepressants and we have a good g p and resp team .. the thing is.if i tell him how i feel he gets upset. . What do others do ...keep jt bottled up so he doesnt get upset or tell him and get it off my chest (no pun intended ) we have good family but it all seems to fall on him. He,s the one her all the tiime. Seeing what others dont. What can i do to help him ??

24 Replies

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  • I am sorry your question 'slipped though' I did actually see your earlier post, but did not feel I could add any inside info, on what you need to know

    Your problem is that you yourself really need someone looking after YOU, but you husband is not really able to do that fully, and also he need your care

    Have you spoken to your doctor about this?

    There are many wonderful brave and giving 'other halves' on this site , they may be able to help with ideas

    But its not totally fair in one way that because your husbands problem is the greater, his needs get priority.

    This problem will only get worse, as your COPD will worsen , albeit slowly, but its best to set the wheels in motion for more help for you & your husband

    I hope you get the help that you need and are entitled to

    Love Sohara

  • Thank you for your reply i will take on board what you.say . It must be very distressing to see someone you love suffering ...i dont know how i would. Cope if it was.him or one of my kids ..i sometimes think we get the help and they sometimes slip through the net. .oh well i suppose it could be worse and i ckuld be saying he didnt give a bugger. !!!! Thanks again. Sue. X

  • I care for my husband who also has severe Copd - it is very difficult for you both. My advise would be to keep telling him the truth - I also get upset when my husband tells me how he is on bad days and Tend to take it personally. It makes me feel as if I have failed somehow I know that sounds daft but there it is.. Just remember how much he loves you and you love him. As important though is to share the rare good days! Take good care TAD xx

  • Yes we are lucky really. Sometimes you feel like shall i say anything or not. But i know if it was the other way rjund i ,d want him to tell me...but men from mars women from venus. !!!!! Thanks for the reply. I ,llremember your thoughts on the matter. X sue.

  • Yes there is that men are definitely from mars!! I know that whenever I am ill my husband is great for about 12 hours after that it is a total frustration for him!! Good Luck xxx

  • Thanks stitch - its that feeling of frustration I've done everything I can but you still don't feel well!!!!! Hope you are feeling well xxx

  • So Sorry Sue, I mis-read your post...its just YOU that has COPD ( I thought you both were ill)

    Now I understand your problem...what is it that you feel you need that you dont like to bother him with?

    Is it day to day care, or just when you are feeling poorly and unable to cope?

    It may be worth looking at getting some help..I know the social services now need paying, but sometimes someone coming in a few days a week for an hour or so can make a big difference

    Then if they did the cleaning etc, your husband would have more time to help you in more personal matters

    Would that be possible?

  • Bloodg hell we would be in a mess if it was both off us. !!! No its me who has pulmunry disease. . I think he gets upset because he hates to see me like this ,,like i would if it was him i immagine its distressing and frightening thing to witness. He verry rarely gets annoyed (i probably would ) and is so patient. I just feel guilty for putting him through this. We should be enjoying our retirement shouldnt we ??? Oh well hey ho. Spring in its way and we be sitting outside with our lovely dog and grand kids thanks again. Sue

  • Good thinking stitch.....i ,llgive it a whirl in the morning and put it to him thank you everyone its been a big help .yeet again made me realise i,m not on my own. Thanks again nite n bless everyone x

  • I am the one with COPD, stage 4. Tell your husband when you have a better day. He will feel somewhat better, I think. Show him the posts here that seem to fit his and your situation, if he doesn't read it already. Maybe he won't feel as alone. It's hard for my husband as he always hated my smoking and has a lot of anger. I am on an anti-depressant partially for him, so he doesn't see how scared I am sometimes.

  • its my partner with COPD and i had to laugh when i saw the 'men are from mars' bit! it is so true! he is far more laid back about it than i am but i am sure he holds back on telling me how he feels because he can see how upset i get watching him struggle for air. i am a very anxious type of person anyway (pre-existing post traumatic stress and stuff which had nothing to do with his illness) so i am not the best person for keeping calm about things. we are slowly learning a way through dealing with all this but it is incredibly hard.

    i think for me i would much rather he told me how he felt even when he is very poorly as otherwise i just fill in the gaps and my imaginings are always much worse than real life. i am very much aware that he has to tread on eggshells with me on lots of areas of life and although i am able to help a huge amount in practical ways (i'm fit and strong so i can do all the heavy lifting type things that he can't and keep things going on the domestic front) he has a job managing my anxiety around his illness.

    i think communication has to be the way forward although in our case its still a work in progress! thank you for your post - it got me thinking again about how i am with all this and made me resolve to do better.

  • Hi Sue. If I can get word in edgeways with all these wimmin about I will put a man's point of view. We men are creatures of action. See the problem, deal with it, that's how we work best. Then one day we get a problem we can't fix and we feel lost; we get depressed about that. We find it really hard when the one we love is hurting and we can't stop the hurt. We just feel so helpless. Most men don't have something like the Sisterhood to fall back on so we have to deal with these things all alone. For us it can be very hard. The suggestion of getting more help seems a good one to me so perhaps that would help both of you. My best wishes for the future.

    Bobby xxx

  • Yes i cansee exactly where you are coming from. ...see it...fix it. ! Tghenn when you cant. Its.disaster time. ! I think men find it.difficult to talk to friends and family too. .i can allways ring a good friend up for a moan and winge. Most nighfs she rings me. Yet ii never hear hubby doing the same. We havve a labradire he walkes miles with, with. His friend so weather he talks then. I dint know. I know its really hard for carers family and friends so just wonderedd how otheds deal with things. Thanks for you reply. Sue

  • you hit he nail on the head so to speak philips 1, i am tigerhouse's worse half ( or so she say's ), but i suppose we should consider our selves fortunate that we can support our respective partners to whatever extent, there must be more than a few members here that have to soldier on by themselves which by any means must be so hard, so god bless all.

  • Hi sue48,sorry to look at your situation from a practical angle...but do you get any financial help which would relieve some of the burden. Attendance Allowance is not means tested...you may be eligible for that...ask at your local CAB to see if there are any other benefits too. Maybe then you could pay for help with the cleaning or other things that need doing.

    Also venting your feelings on this website I find helps as well, as we understand and hopefully have broad shoulders!

    Is there a local Breathe Easy club near you where you both can meet others in a similar situation? Best wishes

  • Funnily enough i phoned regarding attendance allowance.this morning...must be psysic. ! Another worrg i got at the moment is i,ve got glaucomaa and its reached a stage where dvla ade stopping me driving. ...annother body blow going in car is a lifelline to us. So perhaps if i can get attendance allowance. I can have a chofour......an.y voulenteers. ????

  • Sorry about the glaucoma...my mother has it and uses her attendance allowance for taxis and help with shopping...can you get help with council tax , some local authorities give a discount to people with disabilities. Check their website. The Red Cross have volunteers who offered to take my mother out on trips, she also uses Country Cars which offer cheaper rides to hospitals and other places. Social services have a department for people with visual problems where she lives in Wales ...they can give good advice. The CAB is a mine of information and can help filling in forms. Best of luck

  • Thanks for the info i shall look into all this tomorro.....looks like we may be buisy. .thanks again. Best thing i done for long.time joining this site everyone so helpfull and kind. I wish you all well. Xx sue

  • I'm stage 4 with Fev1 of 27.7. My wife's a fit as a fiddle - she takes the dog for long walks, she goes to yoga, she goes swimming, she goes to our village gardening club, she knits .... in short, she has quality 'her' time - & I think that's important.

    I was a carer myself a few years ago, looking after my dad who had terminal cancer. It's hard. I ended up getting support from Carers UK .... it's an organisation providing care for carers. Somewhere carer's can ask those difficult questions or simply get leaflets about all sorts of issues, or where they can get a break. Of equal importance, you get a card to carry around advising you are a carer & that someone at home relies on you - important in an accident.

    Check them out ..... your GP's surgery should have leaflets.

    carersuk.org/

    Us men, when we can't do things we've always done, we get really frustrated - bear & sore head come to mind.. Decorating - I've recently had painters in, cost us a fortune & they've done a lousy job. It's frustrating - I've always done the decorating, no-one did it as good as me (most men will recognise that statement) .... so it's frustrating to pay for a lousy job. The car, the lawn, the dripping tap, the lot ..... it's damn frustrating watching our little worlds slowly fall apart, so yes, we do get grumpy - & unfortunately it's those close to us that can often bear the brunt. Worse for me - I have a farm, it's always been farmed properly, neat hedges, good fencing - I've always been proud of it ..... now I don't even know if I've got gypsies down in my bottom field. I rent the land out for horses, but horses are terrible grazers - it awful.

    Sun's out ..... get the electric bike or scooter out, find a canal tow path with a pub - you'll both soon feel better.

  • My wife dos most thinks for me as I find it hard to breath even going to the toilet but asked her all the time what can I do when she is cleaning or cooking food but she said no but I still try and do something which I find if I do a little and stop then rest and then start again I do find I help her But I always tell her how much I love her ever night as with out her I would have been with my maker a long time a go

  • what happened to splitting up from wife and moving to new accommodation on own ?

    pleased to hear you are together again,

  • Think you got wrong end of stick on this one !!

  • I must say I can understand all of your responses. I have very severe COPD, we have a cleaner once a week and my husband (working self-employed) does all the cooking and runnng around. He gets just a little crabby from time to time, but not often, basically he is an angel. Our retirement (I retired at 60 because of my health, but he has had to carry on) was not supposed to be like this, we loved going abroad but I cannot fly. On my bad days I cannot even get off the sofa to greet him but he still soilders on. I have said that if it were not for my health we would be living a different life, he said that we have each other and our love and that's all that counts. I think that was a wonderful thing to say. I think that we have to be patient, understanding and kind to ourselves. love to all

  • What a lovely couple you two sound . Isnt life a bugger ?its not supposed to be like this is it ? I used to be a nurse but had to retire at 45 due to health. And my husband carried on working he,s 12 years older than me. But fit and well and a crabby (verry rairly ) treasure. ..dont it make you feel guilty. Think if i get attendance allowance might try a cleaner ....if i was fit and well i,d be cleaning up before she came. !!! Its a woman thing isnt it ? Anyway. Keep in touch. Sue x

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