Joke of the Day

You came into my life On that beach, that day. In those pink clothes Cut top & the mini skirt. I thought love was in for me. I was amazed at the cozy gesture When you walked up close to me. The special roses you loved & the amazing dinner we loved. It felt like violins & guitars all over It felt a beautiful world pulling over. I thought love was in for me. I saw you doing the same With another new guy. I saw you doing the same again Yet with another new guy. Guys kept changing Your clothes kept changing. Days were mere passing But no traces of a single feel from you. No trace of any love from you. You were flooded with guys and their ayes, who buy’s & buy’s for your doll eyes. Soon I felt Love didn’t treat me nice. It kicked my butt And crushed me with blood. I thought love was in for me. But sadly it wasn’t. I wish to hold you close Close in my arms So close, that I could throw you in the river nearby. I wish to have your picture nice So nice, that The obituary column looks vice. I wish to slice you well So well, that The blender could grind you more well. I thought love was in for me But sadly it wasn’t. Neither for me, nor for you. And now I wish, for a wish. My wife excuses me For all the mischief. I will love her, only her and only her. I promise not to look for another ‘her’. Love will definitely be in for me This time…with my wife, my life. There is NOBDODY better than a WIFE.

Youre hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom dont you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

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‘Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.’ Charles Dudley Warner

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Harry had a fantastic country house with two wings, sadly it flew off the last time they had a big storm.

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Harry to Tom: ‘How did you find the weather while you were away?’ Tom: ‘It was just outside the front door.’

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I’m saving up for a rainy day. So far I’ve got a sou’wester, two macintoshes and a canoe.

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It was so cold the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

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The weather was terrible on my holiday. Mind you, I did come home brown – with rust.

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Thirty people are sheltering under an umbrella. How many of them get wet? None – who said it was raining?

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What’s a bigamist? An Italian fog.

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The drought here is terrible. The lawn’s cracked, the plants have all died because of the hosepipe ban, and I can’t wash my car – and do we see any famous Africans getting together to do a charity single?

You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency

open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the

Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard

loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to

pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”

asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

4 Replies

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  • Thank you Berwick! here's one for you!.....“ An inebriated man was stumbling down the street, swaying, with one foot on the kerb and the other in the gutter. A policeman passing in his car pulled over and said, 'I’ve got to take you in, mate. You’re obviously drunk.' The intoxicated man asked, 'Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?' 'Yes, my friend, I’m very sure,' said the bobby. 'Let’s go.' Breathing a sigh of relief, the wastrel replied, 'Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled!' ” :) xxx

  • I am confused. I have read the beginnning piece four times and still don't understand it. Is slicing and blending women a joke?

  • Hi Berwick, great jokes, my daily laughter better than any meds Nannyb xx

  • Thank you berwick. Alison :-)

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