Take a break, it's smile time* winking
True story reported by an English man who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test in France.
The English chap lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was extremely drunk ..
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a Corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...my friend and I drank a significant amount of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, as is my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, behind the wheel?'
Senior Drivers No Longer
Need Drivers License
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a 1980's white 4-door sedan that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to still be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut it into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'. So I thanked him and left!"
.A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK, I just want a drink."
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers on it? - The outside.
A goldfish walks into a bar, Jumps up on a bar stool and looks at the barman really hard.
The bartender asks the goldfish, "What can I get you?"
The Goldfish looks at the guy really deep and hard and in a desperate gasp says "Water."
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
The psychic told him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in a biology class."
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
Male rabbit says to his female rabbit, "Giz a bit love, it won't take long, did it...
A man was an in-patient in the City Hospital.
He sneaked out of the Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and into Lavery's pub
still in his dressing gown.
He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a double Black Bush.
Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again.
As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman,
"I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
"About 50p" said the patient.
There's this bloke in a bar drinking.
He looks at his watch and decides he better get home so he goes to stand up and falls down.
So then he tries to get up and falls down again.
So finally the third time he tries to get up and again he fell down.
So finally he just crawled the whole way home.
The next morning his wife comes to his bed asked him if he had been drinking last night.
He replied "no."
She said "Liar, the bar just called to say you left you wheelchair down there."