Daily Laughter Monday
A very good Monday morning my friends
Hope you all had a great weekend and here is a wee bit a laughter to start your week.
According to recent study, Monday has been voted “Least popular Day of the Week” 176 years in row.
Candy is natures way of making up for Mondays.
Don’t hate mondays, they stand for new beginnings.
For me, monday represents a fresh start to the week. It is the day where the slate from the previous week is wiped clean. It is a day of new beginnings.
Freak out cause its monday again.
Happy fat Tuesday to everyone who was already fat on monday.
I always give 100% at work:13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday
I know it’s monday but you are awesome.
I call you a monday because nobody likes you.
I got 99 problems and they’re all due monday.
I hate mondays because monday hates me.
I have come to conclusion that mondays last 50% longer than other days.
I haven’t had this bad of a monday since last monday.
I may look calm and collected when I stroll in to work on Monday, but really, I’ve killed all my employees in my head like 3 times
If each day is a gift I’d like to know where I can return mondays.
If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
If you start the week with a positive attitude on monday, it’ll be a lot easier to fight off negativity the rest of the week.
“It’s just been a long week, that’s all.”
“It’s monday night, Jess.”
“My point exactly.”
It’s monday but it’s ok!
It’s Monday Funday!
It’s Monday, go to work!
Hello, Monday. May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?
Hello Monday, i see my assassins have failed to take you out… again. did i mention i fricken hate you?
Monday Again! Have a good one!
MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Monday’s are like hangovers…Nobody likes them!
Monday? ..Really? I’m quite sure I didn’t get my full portion of weekend !
Monday is a great for becoming too busy to die.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Monday is just a reminder that the weekend has past and there are only a few more days before another weekend gets here.
Monday is the key day of the week.
Monday is like math. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the Happiness.
Monday is the root of all evil.
Monday is the day of silence, day of the whole white mung bean, which is sacred to the moon.
Monday must be a man it comes too quickly.
Monday reminds me of how important it is to choose a job you love. Life is for living, not for being miserable at work!
Mondays are God’s punishment for what you did during the weekend.
Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.
Mondays should be optional
Of all the days that’s in the week, I dearly love but one day – And that’s the day that comes between a Saturday and Monday.
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.
On Monday, when the sun is hot, I wonder to myself a lot. Now is it true, or is it not, that what is which and which is what?
Shortest horror story in history: Tomorrow is monday.
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code
There are no miracles on Mondays.
They should make Mondays illegal.
This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.
What about Monday? That could be our one day we look at things the same way, and wear funny shoes.
Why is monday so far from friday but friday so close from monday?
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
A seven-year-old tells his four-year-old brother that they should start swearing. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four-year-old happily agrees.
At breakfast, the seven-year-old says, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some toast."
The surprised mother quickly smacks him. The boy runs upstairs crying. The mother turns to the younger boy, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be toast!"
I really can’t walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I’m your man.
A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people’s personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they’re dead
Accidentally took a women’s multi vitamin and I’ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
By saying you want a sandwich after sex you’re letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.
I value your opinion as long as you don’t offer it
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
My boss went balilstic yesterday because i popped out to buy some cigaretes from the nearest high street.
Mind you, he does have a point.
I work on an oil rig.
I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.
I said to my boss this morning, "sorry I'm late, there was a big pile-up on the Highway 61."
He replied, "But that's thousands of miles away in America."
"I know, I was watching it on the news."
I'm constantly having to separate fact from fiction.
I hate being a Librarian.
I went to the art gallery today and saw some still life.
Council workmen were on a job outside.
I walked into the pet shop yesterday and saw an old mate working there. I said, "alright Davey, don't you work in Burger King anymore then?"
"Nah, moved on since then. What can I get you?"
"Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog."
"Do you want flies with that?"
I went for a job interview today.
The bloke said, "where do you see yourself in ten years' time?"
I said, "same as now - in photos and mirrors".
My wife's dentist says "she has the best set of teeth he has ever come across."
What does he mean?
I used to have a job working backstage in a strip club, it was 25 pounds an hour.
I know that sounds like a lot, but i could afford it at the time.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Stop worrying about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
I’m not suffering from insanity, I’m enjoying every minute of it.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterdays nut.
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he’s lost?
Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it. – Salvador Dali
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you make."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my
son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an
answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Have a nice day!
That's it for Monday friends
Hope that you all had at least a wee titter
Breathe easy my friends
Have a great Monday