Daily Laughter Friday

Daily Laughter Friday

Hoorah Hoorah it's POETS Day

I have gave you enough for you to last till Monday He he he

Enjoy today tomorrow will be better

Hope that you have a good read and a big belly laugh and mind that coffee

Remember the Elf & Safety rules

Berwick xxxx

Friday is a special day. The end of the week is approaching, Friday is a day to tie up loose ends, a day to dream of the delights of the weekend.

Short Jokes for Friday

A Friday Funny Story

Friday's Goddess - Freya

Friday 13th Jokes

Friday Accidents

Loser of the Week

Is it Friday Yet?

Murphy's Law - Always strikes on a Friday

Droll and Quirky Jokes for Friday

A Friday Funny Story

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

Funny Fishing Affair

'Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.

'Why shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' comments Myra. 'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'

A legend believed by many fishermen is:

'A Friday's sail, always fail.'

Droll Traffic Cop Psychiatrist joke

One Friday a traffic policeman stops a Maisie and asks to see her driving licence.

'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'

'Well,' replies Maisie, 'I have contacts.'

'Lady, I don't care who you know, you're still going to get a ticket.'

Amusing Examination Exam Joke

Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?

Son: Underwater.

Father: What do you mean, underwater?

Son: Below "C" level.

Cartoon by Stu

Quirky Doctor

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a 10 Dollar note. Well go and buy something then, the change will do you good.

Psychiatrist joke

Is it Friday Yet?

'Things to Say When Caught Asleep On a Friday Afternoon'Friday Jokes

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

Amen

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

Hey, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

Cartoon by Bennett

Friday's Goddess - FreyaFriday Jokes

Odin's wife was called Frigg (Freya). If you accept the Norse origins of the other days, then Fri day becomes a realistic derivation. Interestingly, the Romans also saw this day as female, as they named it after their goddess Venus. This Latin root remains in the French for Friday, Vendredi.

You will often see her wearing a robe of feathers, which enabled her to fly through the air like a bird.

Good Deal for a Modern Freya

Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.

'It's a bottle of gin that I got for my husband.'

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

More Friday Jokes

Don't Mess With the Elderly

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one Friday, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Friday Afternoon At the Building Site

Friday Jokes

All action on a Friday afternoon.

Famous Fridays

Good Friday - Easter.

Black Friday - Follows Thanksgiving.

Man Friday - Robinson Crusoe.

'Solah Shukravar Vrats' fasting for 16 consecutive Fridays.

Friday's child is loving and giving.

Weekend Tall Story

At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam, 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?'

'Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?'

'Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,' chortled Hannah.

Friday 13th Superstitions

It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday.

American Proverb

Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ?

Of course, why would Friday be an exception? Anon

A legend believed by many fishermen is: 'A Friday's sail, always fail.'

See more Friday 13th Superstitions.

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Beware Dangers of Foggy Weather

One Friday two motorists had an all too literal head on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh, Germany. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the middle of the road because of the thick fog. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't damaged at all and didn't have a mark on them.

Follow-up to Friday Accidents

The report issued by the Dutch Centre for Insurance Statistics on June 12, 2008, states "fewer accidents and reports of fire and theft occur when the 13th of the month falls on a Friday than on other Fridays, because people are preventatively more careful or just stay home." This in turn was reflected in the reports received by Dutch insurance companies, in the last three years, which showed that on normal Fridays, the number of traffic accidents touched a figure of approximately 7,800 but it decreased to 7,500 on a Friday the 13th in The Netherlands.

Murphy's Law

What can go wrong, will go wrong, especially on a Friday. See more on Murphy's law

Only in America - Crazy AwardsJokes for the Weekend

A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.

Quotes For Friday

'Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.'

'Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.'

'I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.'

Signs - Classic Short Joke

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Wise Words

'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'

- Infantry Journal

Keep to the straight and narrow

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. they're trained for that.

These are real requests fielded by an American travel agent.

Confessions of US Congress Travel Agent

Bad Hair Day?

A New Hampshire Congresswoman asked me to book her an aisle seat on the airplane. She did not want her hair to get messed up by being near the window.

Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )

Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.

If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.

You always need more paint.

You never have enough nails, screws or glue.

The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.

Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.

To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.

Silly Friday Chant

1 Tequila

2 Tequila

3 Tequila

Floor.

Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Jack Daniels and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride

Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!

Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.

Friday, Yay the weekends here...*BLINK* Monday? WTF?

Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.

Friday, is that you???????

Friday night... So many innocent beers have no idea what's coming for 'em.

Hey Friday! How ya been buddy?

If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.

Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night

.

Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.

I hate it when the people who owe me money post about how much they are enjoying their Friday

Notice the same people that complain about being broke are the same people that are updating status saying they are out shopping on Friday.

Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.

dear Friday, I'm ready..

It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.

Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

instead of that daylight savings crap why dont we just move the clock ahead an hour every friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour .

Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend

all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.

Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out

The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!

has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!

now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!

To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...

Don't wait untill friday, start your weekend on monday !!

Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you

.

In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

Friday, I've tried to see other days and none compare to you, I love you.

loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.

I've run out of pictures to colour in, in my colouring in book... I guess that is enough work for a Friday...

If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.

The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend. -

Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

Youth is like a long weekend on Friday night. Middle age is like a long weekend on Monday afternoon.

Wagner was a monster. He was anti-Semitic on Mondays and vegetarian on Tuesdays. On Wednesday he was in favor of annexing Newfoundland. On Thursday he wanted to sink Venice and on Friday he wanted to blow up the

Pope

I think we're seeing in working mothers a change from 'Thank God it's Friday' to 'Thank God it's Monday.' If any working mother has not experienced that feeling, her children are not adolescent. ]

Not for nothing is their motto TGIF - 'Thank God It's Friday.' They live for the weekends, when they can go do what they really want to do. ]

Fridays are not 'pants optional.']

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. ]

On Fridays we tell a joke on The Daily English Show. Friday Joke started on Show 478. Here's a list of the jokes that have been on the show so far:

Did you know there are no dentists in Hawaii?

Really?! Why?

Ha-wa-ii.

How do you tell the difference between a kangaroo and an Australian?

The intelligent look in the kangaroo's eyes.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A man visits his aunty in a rest home. When he arrives, she’s asleep, so he sits down in a chair in her room and flips through a few magazines, and munches on some almonds which are sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, his aunty wakes up, and the man realizes he has absent-mindedly finished the entire bowl of almonds.

"I'm so sorry, aunty, I've eaten all of your almonds!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunty replies. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't really like eating the almonds anyway”.

One day a little boy called Johnny was sitting in a church. He had to go to the bathroom so he said to his mother, ''Mummy, I have to piss.''

His mother said, ''Johnny, don’t say piss in church! Next time you have to use the bathroom, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, Johnny had to go to the bathroom again. This time he was sitting next to his father, so he said to his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

His father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"What are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Two ducks are staying in a hotel. They are about to make love and then they realize they don’t have any condoms. So one of the ducks rings room service to ask for some condoms.

The woman on the phone says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

There are some peanuts in a bowl on the counter.

They start talking to the man.

“Hey, you’re looking pretty hot tonight,” they say.

The man thinks it’s a bit weird that peanuts are talking to him. But he feels pretty good about being told he looks hot.

He decides to play pool and goes over to the change machine to get some coins.

As he is getting the money, the machine says: “You suck at pool, bro. Why do you even bother? In fact, you suck at life.”

The man doesn’t feel good anymore. He thinks: “Man, something strange is going on in this bar. Maybe I’m hallucinating.”

So he goes up to the bar again and he says to the bartender: “What’s up with this bar tonight? First the peanuts starts talking to me and telling me I’m hot and now the change machine is telling me I suck! What’s going on?!”

“Well,” says the bartender. “The peanuts are complimentary and the change machine is out of order.”

What word is always spelt incorrectly?

Incorrectly.

A woman is on trial for shoplifting. She is sitting in the courtroom next to her husband.

The judge says to her, “I’m going to have to make an example of you, what did you steal?”

She says, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge asks, “How many peaches were there in the can?”

“Five,” she answers.

The judge says, “I’m going to give you five years.”

The woman starts to cry.

And suddenly her husband jumps up and says, “Your honour, last week she stole a can of peas!”

What did the light bulb say to the light switch?

You really turn me on.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What goes red white red white red white?

Santa rolling down a hill.

A boy is born with no body. No arms, no legs. He’s just a head.

On his 18th birthday his dad takes him down to the pub for his first pint and he takes a sip and suddenly, woosh, out pops his torso.

And everyone in the bar says, go on, take another sip, so he does and suddenly, woosh, out pop his two arms.

Then he takes his third sip and suddenly, woosh, out pop his two legs.

And he’s so excited that he runs out into the street, straight into the path of an oncoming truck and, bang, he’s killed instantly.

And the barman says to his dad, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

He asks the bartender what happened to the man.

The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."

"The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."

Unfortunately, the man replied "How about a little head?"

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a shop window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said she didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

Then the driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. For the last 25 years I have been driving a hearse.”

Teacher: Now class, I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?

Class: At once!

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?"

The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 190 cm tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks.The guy next to me is 185 cm, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock. Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

I find you very attractive.

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

“I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted.

He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After a while, John had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said.

“I bet you a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the young man replied.

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Teacher: Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?

Sam: I don’t know.

Teacher: Bark, Sam, bark.

Sam: Bow, wow, wow!

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in maths.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

Customer: Hey Bro, can you call me a taxi?

Bartender: Sure, you’re a taxi.

A man asks a woman: "Am I the first man you have ever loved?"

"Yes, of course," she answers. "Why do men always ask the same question?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo, who?

Stop crying and open the door.

Waiter! Waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?

Backstroke, I think.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the garden. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he had finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of secs."

A newspaper photographer was assigned to take pictures of a huge forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip about an hour before sunset. Sure enough, a small plane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Ah, because I'm going to take pictures!" said the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

"You mean you're not the flight instructor?!"

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.

When I woke up I was exhausted.

What’s in the bag?

Lollies.

If I guess how many are in the bag, will you give me one?

If you guess how many are in the bag, I’ll give you them both!

OK. Um … five?

Three boys were hanging out at the top of a cliff. One of the boys saw a bottle and picked it up. Suddenly a genie popped out of the bottle and said: “Thank you for releasing me from this ancient curse. If you jump off this cliff and call out whatever you desire, you will land safely in a boat in a bountiful pile of that which you named.”

Then the genie disappeared.

The boy thought for a while, then leapt off the cliff, calling, “GOLD”, and he landed in a boat full of gold.

The second boy thought for a while and then jumped off the cliff calling: “DIAMONDS” and he landed in a boat full of diamonds.

The third boy was so excited that he forgot to think of anything to wish for and jumped off the cliff yelling, “WEEEEEE”.

Dave and Tom were playing golf one Sunday afternoon. Dave was getting ready to take a shot when a funeral procession drove past the golf course.

Dave straightened up, held his hand over his heart and stood in silence until the procession had passed.

“Dave I didn’t know you were so sensitive!” said Tom. “That was real respect for the dead, that was!”

“No, it was nothing,” said Dave. “How can one quiet moment compare with the 25 years she and I have had together?”

Well that's it friends

because I rest over the weekend I have gave you enough laughter till we meet again on Monday.

Please take care and love and hugs to all

Have a great weekend

Breathe easy my friends

Berwick xxx

6 Replies

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  • lol thanks Berrick lol im off to bed now laughing my head off, just now after adding my post I felt all demure hahahah night night Joan x

  • Hi berwick, thank you for the laugh. Have a relaxing weekend. See you Monday. :-) :-) Alison

  • Thanks Berwick. :)

  • Well done Berwick. Well up to standard.

  • I had to stop reading so I could take a breath. My ribs hurt too, Thanks Berwick ;-)

  • great jokes! The one that got me laughing most was the little old lady & young man with the vacuum cleaner that's Extra funny keep it up!

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