Daily Laughter Tuesday

Daily Laughter Tuesday

Good Morning Tuesday

May you all been in good health after the storms

Berwick xxx

It's A Brand New Day

Leave back all your worries and troubles of yesterday,

Make yourself a silent promise to make today a better day.

Now my dear friend, a brand new day lays ahead of you,

Face it with pride, because it is a gift and is totally new.

May all your goals and ambitions for the day be set,

I wish you have an amazing day and a night without regrets.

Good morning buddy. Have a grand day!

It happened just by accident,

I promise that it did.

It opened on its own as it sprung out from where it hid.

It was like that when I got here,

That's very true you know.

And I'm sorry that it fell and landed right on your big toe.

It happened while my back was turned,

I'm just as shocked as you.

I didn't see it tumble till it bounced right off your shoe.

So believe me when I tell you,

That's it's not to do with me.

Even if the sticky prints match mine, not sure why that might be!

There's a rhino,

There's a hippo,

And a super eight-winged bat!

There's a lion,

And a monkey,

In a giant bowler hat!

There's a castle,

With a dragon,

And the knight who's come to slay!

There's an octopus,

With shoes on,

And he's holding a bouquet!

There's a man,

With untied laces,

Who's just fallen in a pond!

And a wizard,

In galoshes,

Trying to mend his broken wand!

There's a boy,

Who's doing nothing,

Gazing up at cloudy skies.

Yes it's me,

I should be busy,

I've got school work to revise!

Famous Tuesdays

Ruby Tuesday (Rolling Stones)

Tuesday Weld (American Actress)

Patch Tuesday (Microsoft Updates!)

"Ha! Tuesday. How depressing." Oscar Wilde

Funny, Droll and Quirky Jokes for Tuesday

Insane?Jokes for Tuesday

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.

'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

Short Term Investment

A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.

The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, 'I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years.'

'Five years? Are you kidding?' splutters the old man. 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Not NiceJokes for Tuesday

Last Tuesday, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Best Funny Jokes for a Tuesday

Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.

'Which shaving cream do you use?'

Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'

'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.'

'Which deodorant do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'

'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'

'Which shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'

'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'

Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'

Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Your Tuesday Spell CheckerJokes for Tuesday

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

Doctor Recommended

Ian visits his doctor and says, 'Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor Martin replies, 'But you are not one of my patients.'

Ian exclaims, 'I know, but my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir!'

Thursday's Pick-me-up Drink

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat

Samples of Our Free Jokes: Only in Britain

Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers and large fries - but with a diet coke.

A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.

Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.

Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.

Funny Signs - Keep a look out for similar humour

Message on a leaflet:


Sign on a repair shop door:


I Say I Say Jokes - Do you remember them?

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela


One-liner Jokes

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Repeat after Me

Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to their seven year old daughter Martha and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered

Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


I knew a dentist, Anthony, who used to frequent the 'The Europa' pub in Molesey, Surrey in the 1980's. Anthony always worked long hours and one day he came into the back bar particularly tired and a little distracted. It was half term and all of his patients had been children and he explained how difficult it is to get them to keep their mouths open so that he could carry out a 'check-up' . His last patient of the day had been an adult and he was embarrassed to tell us that he had said to the man, 'Oh good at last a big mouth to deal with.' The man's gurgling sound alerted Anthony to his verbal mistake.


Funny Holiday Notices

1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.

2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

4) Special today - no ice cream.

Daddy's on a diet,

Taking care with what he eats.

So I guess I should keep quiet,

That I saw him wolfing sweets!

Daddy's on a diet,

And for me it's turned out well!

As I've joined the secret feasting,

To ensure that I won't tell!

I'm scoffing lots of chocolate cake,

But not quite as much as I'd like!

I'm wolfing it down with a whirl of my spoon,

and it's flinging up, down, left and right!

It's hitting the walls and spraying the floor,

It's covered up Bessie our cat.

There's crumbs in my hair and on mother's best chair,

And the window's one choclatey splat.

But faster and faster I shovel it up,

Not bothered I'm missing my chops.

As it drips from my nose and collects in my ears,

Gloops drop from nose and go plop!

Then too quickly it's gone, there just was not enough,

As I'd said at the start of this smasher,

With my greedy delight (sloppy cake on the lights),

Not one spot found its way past my gnashers!

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

A. ME!!!

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?

A. It saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. Put a little boogey in it!

Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?

A. At the BP station!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A. They don't have the guts.

Hope that you had a good chuckle for Tuesday morning

Whatever you do today have a great one

and remember

Breath easy my Friends

Berwick xxx

14 Replies

  • Thanks Berwick, another good start to my day. :) :)

  • liked the brand new day poem....food for thought.

    thanks...have a good day yourself

  • It has become quite a habit during the ay, Berwick to sit and read your jokes. I dont always respond, but I am around. x

  • Ditto Annie, and I am becoming quite careless at times, reading whilst having my coffee! x

  • I appreciate that annie and Toc many thanks Graeme AKA Berwick xxx

  • so am i!

  • I appreciate your jokes especially, Berwick, especially we get sent ghastly, unfunny jokes from friend Barry. Wondering how to tell him what good humour is without offending. Perhaps I could send him some of yours for an example.

  • No problem on that Annie ,Friday's will be a good choice. Go for it. Xxx berwick

  • Those have given me a good titter, Liked the green banana one, and the one about uncle Bill, Great thanks x

  • Laughed so much over these - I need a wee now!!

    Found on Facebook today:

    One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading! 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

    'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

  • Brilliant, what you always need a good sense of honour and a quick mind we'll done .berwick xxx

  • Love it!

  • Hi Berwick. That was brilliant reading.

  • loved it barwick keep it up

You may also like...