Daily Laughter Tuesday
Good Morning Tuesday
May you all been in good health after the storms
It's A Brand New Day
Leave back all your worries and troubles of yesterday,
Make yourself a silent promise to make today a better day.
Now my dear friend, a brand new day lays ahead of you,
Face it with pride, because it is a gift and is totally new.
May all your goals and ambitions for the day be set,
I wish you have an amazing day and a night without regrets.
Good morning buddy. Have a grand day!
It happened just by accident,
I promise that it did.
It opened on its own as it sprung out from where it hid.
It was like that when I got here,
That's very true you know.
And I'm sorry that it fell and landed right on your big toe.
It happened while my back was turned,
I'm just as shocked as you.
I didn't see it tumble till it bounced right off your shoe.
So believe me when I tell you,
That's it's not to do with me.
Even if the sticky prints match mine, not sure why that might be!
There's a rhino,
There's a hippo,
And a super eight-winged bat!
There's a lion,
And a monkey,
In a giant bowler hat!
There's a castle,
With a dragon,
And the knight who's come to slay!
There's an octopus,
With shoes on,
And he's holding a bouquet!
There's a man,
With untied laces,
Who's just fallen in a pond!
And a wizard,
Trying to mend his broken wand!
There's a boy,
Who's doing nothing,
Gazing up at cloudy skies.
Yes it's me,
I should be busy,
I've got school work to revise!
Ruby Tuesday (Rolling Stones)
Tuesday Weld (American Actress)
Patch Tuesday (Microsoft Updates!)
"Ha! Tuesday. How depressing." Oscar Wilde
Funny, Droll and Quirky Jokes for Tuesday
Insane?Jokes for Tuesday
One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'
Short Term Investment
A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.
The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, 'I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years.'
'Five years? Are you kidding?' splutters the old man. 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Not NiceJokes for Tuesday
Last Tuesday, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Best Funny Jokes for a Tuesday
Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.
'Which shaving cream do you use?'
Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.'
'Which deodorant do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'
Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Your Tuesday Spell CheckerJokes for Tuesday
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Ian visits his doctor and says, 'Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.
Doctor Martin replies, 'But you are not one of my patients.'
Ian exclaims, 'I know, but my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir!'
Thursday's Pick-me-up Drink
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat
Samples of Our Free Jokes: Only in Britain
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers and large fries - but with a diet coke.
A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.
Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.
Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.
Funny Signs - Keep a look out for similar humour
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
I Say I Say Jokes - Do you remember them?
-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Repeat after Me
Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to their seven year old daughter Martha and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered
Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
I knew a dentist, Anthony, who used to frequent the 'The Europa' pub in Molesey, Surrey in the 1980's. Anthony always worked long hours and one day he came into the back bar particularly tired and a little distracted. It was half term and all of his patients had been children and he explained how difficult it is to get them to keep their mouths open so that he could carry out a 'check-up' . His last patient of the day had been an adult and he was embarrassed to tell us that he had said to the man, 'Oh good at last a big mouth to deal with.' The man's gurgling sound alerted Anthony to his verbal mistake.
Funny Holiday Notices
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today - no ice cream.
Daddy's on a diet,
Taking care with what he eats.
So I guess I should keep quiet,
That I saw him wolfing sweets!
Daddy's on a diet,
And for me it's turned out well!
As I've joined the secret feasting,
To ensure that I won't tell!
I'm scoffing lots of chocolate cake,
But not quite as much as I'd like!
I'm wolfing it down with a whirl of my spoon,
and it's flinging up, down, left and right!
It's hitting the walls and spraying the floor,
It's covered up Bessie our cat.
There's crumbs in my hair and on mother's best chair,
And the window's one choclatey splat.
But faster and faster I shovel it up,
Not bothered I'm missing my chops.
As it drips from my nose and collects in my ears,
Gloops drop from nose and go plop!
Then too quickly it's gone, there just was not enough,
As I'd said at the start of this smasher,
With my greedy delight (sloppy cake on the lights),
Not one spot found its way past my gnashers!
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Hope that you had a good chuckle for Tuesday morning
Whatever you do today have a great one
Breath easy my Friends