Daily Laughter Wednesday

Daily Laughter Wednesday

Good Morning and a very happy Wednesday to you all

Even thou the weather is c...p please have a good laugh

Berwick xxxxx

Why did the egg go to the doctors?

Because he had a cracking headache.ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!

teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?

student: A polar bear and his wife

Q. What do bunnies like to play? A. hop scotch

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?

A: Don't worry Ive got you covered!

What does an elf learn in school? answer- the elfabet

What is round as a cookie, busy as a bee? What can it be?

A watch

WHERE CAN YOU FIND AN OCEAN WITH NO WATER? ON A MAP

What animal needs to wear a wig?

a bald eagle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

because he lost his filling

Whats the difference between a teacher and a train. the teacher says spit out your gum and the train says chew chew chew

Why did the monkey say to his little brother?

you're driving me bananas!

Why did the house go to the doctor? Because he had window panes!!!

Q: What time should a person go at the dentist? A: At TOOTH-THIRTY!!!

Joker: Wanna hear a construction joke?

Person: Sure, I'd love to hear a construction joke!

Joker: Sorry, I'm still working on it!

Person: Ha, ha, ha!!!!!!

Lunch Money :

Grade 2-4?A frisky collection of 24 childlike perceptions of the zanier happenings during a school day. The poems' appeal relies on irreverent topics, robust action, sing-song rhythms, and rhyming couplets. The bright, expressive cartoon style illustrations highlight the rollicking nature of most of the selections. Kids will greet them with enthusiasm, but there needs to be more to poetry than rhyming words. Some of the verses do challenge young minds. The child in "Who Needs School?" has art, spelling, and calculator skills thanks to her computer, but realizes, "...Just don't unplug me and I'll be fine." "Moonwalker" features the joyous, imaginative characters a youngster creates on her way home. "Outside/Inside" contrasts the vibrant goings-on outside the classroom to the humdrum inside. The word-counting antics of the struggling boy in "Book Report" leave a poignant message. In all, good for a quick, fun fix on a down

The Teachers Jumped Out of the Windows

by Kenn Nesbitt

The teachers jumped out of the windows.

The principal ran for the door.

The nurse and librarian bolted.

They're not coming back anymore.

The counselor, hollering madly,

escaped out the door of the gym.

The coach and custodian shouted

and ran out the door after him.

The lunch ladies threw up their ladles,

then fled from the kitchen in haste,

while all of the students looked puzzled

as staff members scurried and raced.

We'd never seen anything like it.

But, still, it was pretty darned cool

to see all the staff so excited

to leave on the last day of school.

On the thirty third of Januaugust,

right before Octember,

a strange thing didn't happen

that I always won't remember.

At eleven in the afternoon,

while making midnight brunch,

I poured a glass of sandwiches

and baked a plate of punch.

Then I climbed up on my head to see

the silver sky of green,

and danced around my feet because

I'd turned eleventeen.

A parade began to end

and music started not to play,

as rain came out and snowed all night

that warm and sunny day.

That was how it didn't happen

as I keenly don't remember,

on the thirty third of Januaugust,

right before Octember.

The teacher passed out and fell right off her chair.

My classmates are crying and gasping for air.

The hamster is howling and hiding his head.

The plants by the window are practically dead.

There's gas in the class; it's completely my fault,

and smells like a chemical weapons assault.

So try to remember this lesson from me:

Don't take off your shoes in class after P.E.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews to the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king that played the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in the bible times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

It was a miracle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

Eve's Steep Price,clean joke#2

God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said him, "Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."

Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

On Vacation,clean joke#3

On vacation two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one of the tourists asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiiing."

In The Driver's Seat

The Pope lands at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places so the Pope can drive.

They speedily take off again, but unfortunately, the speeding car is stopped by a cop. The police officer takes one look at the situation and radios in to headquarters. He tells the chief that he has a pretty important person on his hands.

The police chief asked, "Is he more important than the mayor?" The cop said, "Yes."

Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the governor?"

The cop said, "Yes."

Then the chief asked, "Is he more important than the President?"

The cop said, "Yes."

Finally, the chief asked, "How important can he be?"

The cop said, "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver!"

Fear of Flying,

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait, yelled Jesus. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Dividing Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bicycle and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here, quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it is hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

Joseph & Mary

Here is one of my favorite clean jokes for those with children. A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, "They couldn't find a baby-sitter."

Lot's Wife

,

The Sunday School teacher had just finished her lesson. She had taught the portion of the Bible that told of how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. She then asked if anyone had any questions or comments.

Little Jeremy raised his hand, "My mommy looked back once while driving and turned into a telephone pole!"

The Door Stopper

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman that was clearly not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact it bounced back open. Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with both hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Poisionous Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"The man pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over 3 hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Rabbi,Hindu,Lawyer

Here is one Pastor Mark's favorite jokes. A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two spare beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed

The rabbi said offered to sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi had left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there and my religion will not permit me to sleep in the same room as a pig!"

The Hindu said that HE would sleep in the barn, that he had no problem with the pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The Lawyer anxious to get some sleep, said he would go to the barn, as he had no problem with the animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the cow and pig entered.........................................

,Cowboy Joe

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

Heavenly Golf

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long shot. It landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled safely to the other side.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long shot toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus carefully walked out on the pond and chipped it onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the rain gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very big bullfrog jumped up onto the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed up the bullfrog. As the Eagle flew over the green, the frog croaked and up came the ball, which bounced right into the hole, and what a beautiful HOLE-IN-ONE it was.

Just then Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I really don’t like playing golf with your dad.”

Working Hymns

Dentist's Hymn.................................Crown Him with many crowns.Weatherman's Hymn.........................There Shall be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's hymn.............................The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn.............................Holy,Holy,Holy

The Golfer's Hymn............................There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politicians Hymn........................Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn..........................Open My Eyes That I May See

The Gossip's Hymn..........................Pass It On

The Electrician's hymn......................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn.........................Sweet Bye and Bye

The Realtor's hymn............................I've Got a Mansion

Please pastor the chocolate

A young pastor was making his first visit to the home of an elderly woman who was ill. As they chatted, he nibbled on the peanuts that were in a dish by her bedside table. When he got up to leave, he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I've eaten all your peanuts.""That's OK," she replied. "I can't eat them anyway, and I'd already sucked all the chocolate off."

He-Brews

Bill and Annie were a happy couple! They have been married now for 6 years; very happy, yet very busy. The two of them were focused so much on their careers that it took almost all their time. As a result of this they had an arrangement. The first one up in the morning would make the coffee. For nearly all the time of their marriage Bill was the first to get up in the morning and make the coffee. Bill had asked Annie on more than one occasion to kindly make the coffee for him. Annie would continually forget this little task. When asked, she would quickly apologize to her husband and give him a big hug. Annie would promise that she wouldn't forget again, but alas Annie did forget time and again. Bill started to become fustrated by Annie's inability to make the coffee, just once. Bill became infuriated, confronting Annie about this! Trying to find some kind of reasonable explanation to why Annie could not remember to make the coffee, even just once! Annie was backpedaling, trying to find a good reason for not making the coffee;remembering that the scriptures spoke on this very thing. She proceeded to explain this excuse to her husband, Bill. Annie, he responded, " As if, are you trying to tell me that the scriptures tell you that you cannot make the coffee?" That's right! "Bill, you know the scriptures as well as I do. There is even a whole book on this exact topic." Annie then proceeded to thumb through the Bible and came to the place she was looking for. "Here it is",Annie stated. HE..BREWS !

Bill,exasperated! Laughed along with Annie and gave her a big hug and kiss and never asked her to make coffee again.

When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

Born free, taxed to death.

Whether you think you can or can't, you're right.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them..

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

The road to success..... Is always under construction.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. [Oscar Wilde]

Silence is golden... duck tape is silver.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I know there's other fish in the sea, but I lost my pole when the last one got away from me.

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, You know I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is Excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is £200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

But Officer . . .

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on hislights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Wit and intelligence

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only £4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for £2. ....You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Behind every succesful woman is a man looking at her ***.

Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one!

Don't do it in the garden because love might be blind but your neighbors aren

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

Well that's it for today friends, hope you enjoyed them

Just remember before you wander off today please remember to take the following

Rain Mac

Umbrella

Wellies

or waders if you have not got any wellies

and the last thing

a rowing boat with oars

why a rowing boat with oars I hear you ask

Petrol is too expensive for a boat with an engine

Stay dry and warm my friends

Enjoy you cuppa

Breath Easy my Friends

Berwick xxx.

______________________________________________________

5 Replies

oldestnewest
  • :) :) :)

  • Cheers...read some and saved some for later...liked the Hymns.

    brightened another grey day....have seen a glint of light behind the clouds though

  • Oh, Berwick! "One for you, one for me" had me laughing out loud! xx

  • Still chuckling Berwick, even the sun is out now to help brighten up a dull day

  • Yes just had a little titer. Thanks, Heather X

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