Daily Laughter Monday

Daily Laughter Monday

GOOD MORNING MONDAY

GOOD MORNING FRIENDS

GOOD MORNING TO ALL

Have a great Day

Berwick xxx

Q:If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?

A: None. Roosters Don't Lay Eggs!

Q: WHAT DOES A SLICE OF TOAST WEAR TO BED?

A: JAMMIES. (This space reserved for the KIDS JOKE you are going to send to me.)

JOKE QUOTES:

1. HOW TO EAT SPINACH LIKE A CHILD: Divide it into piles. Rearrange again into piles. Repeat four or five times, then sit back and say you are full.

KIDS HUMOROUS T-SHIRTS:1. Glad I'm back in school. NOT!

2. LOOK AT ME!

3. I'M DRESSED. I'M OUTTA BED.

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

4. DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY. --THE HULK HAPPY JOKING!!!

Do you have a funny T-shirt saying or a funny quote? Please e-mail it to me. dworona@yahoo.com Please include the words KIDS JOKES in the Subject line.

THE GOOD NEWS: Over the last 55-plus years I have collected tons of CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS and nearly 250,000 DIET HUMOR / HUMOUR sayings, and DIET JOKES. Many of which are originals by yours truly.) Less than .5 percent of my collection is found on this Web site.

THE BAD NEWS: You will not be able to enjoy the other ninety-nine point five percent (99.5 %) of DIET HUMOR, FOOD AND DRINK HUMOR and lots of funny CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS until I am properly published in book form.

CAN YOU HEOP ME FIND A PUBLISHER, OR OFFER A SUGGESTION? IF SO, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.

I do not have a friend in the world to help me get published, EXCEPT YOU.Please tell your friends about my FOOD AND DRINK HUMOR website, and my DIET HUMOR wesite danworona.50megs.com .

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: If any of the CLEAN JOKES FOR KIDS jokes, or images are in breach of copyright, I will willingly remove them and/or give proper credit.

COPYRIGHT by DANIEL L. WORONA "Rara Avis" / "Rare Bird"

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

He has "searched the world" for more than 55-years for diet humor / humour, diet ditties, diet limericks, weight-loss humor, fat humour and diet slang. Daniel Worona has thousand's of original and unpublished diet humor sayings, diet cartoons, and diet word plays.

NO ONE CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO DULICATING THIS DIET HUMOR COLLECTION.

This is the FATTEST and best diet humor / humour collection in the world!!!

Please visist my DIET HUMOR AND CHOCOLATE HUMOR website: (The number one DIET HUMOR & DIET JOKES website in the world): danworona.50megs.com

WORST CASE SCENARIO:

If for some reason my lifelong collection of more than 250,000 DIET HUMOR & DIET JOKES is never published, it will probably end up in a trash can.

Who loses? Not me! YOU DO!!! BIG-TIME!!!

Why? Because I have had a ton of fun and a ton of laughs collecting it

1. OWN BLANKET

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

2.SCARE ME?

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

3. CLAMDIGGER

A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half-ripped off, washes up on a piece of driftwood. He explains to her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him. Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."

4. HIS ASHES

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

5. SUCK CHOCOLATE

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

6. ANSWER IRON

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

7. STEWED TOMATOES

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

8. FAT SLOB

A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

9. TWO EARS $25,000

A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

10. QUALITY CONTROL

How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

11. TOUGH TO PEEL

He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.

12. FIRST CHILD

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

13. HOLY WATER

You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

Two coin collectors got together for old dimes sake.

I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.

When I found out that the fire department was charging $75.00 per table for their craft fair I told them they could go to blazes.

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

"Have some chocolate covered cherries," she said cordially.

I dated a politician over the holidays but when I wrapped myself up as a present, he couldn't cut through the red tape.

The dermatologist and his wife enjoyed the backyard BBQ, while their children played a game of skin tag.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

What do you get if Basil Brush is eating a four cheese pizza and he catches fire? Mozzarella FireFox.

I got a small ticket for speeding. It's fine with me.

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

I went and saw the Hobbit, it put a Smaug look on my face.

I was in the linen trade, but gave it up. Too much toile.

It's difficult to know where to draw feline, when it comes to cat jokes.

A reciprocating saw is a saw that gets borrowed and returned among neighbors.

Most pipe dreams just go down the tubes.

She wanted the large estate quite badly but, she dared not mansion it to her frugal husband.

A swan's favorite salad is Cobb salad.

With the apocalypse approaching, armageddon out of here!

The race horse went lame early. It was the first out of its gait.

To a Vegetarian Haggis

Oh go’en hide yer sleekit face,

Great charlatan o’ the pudding-race!

Ahin them a' ye tak your place,

Onion, lentil, and baked beans:

Weel are ye wordy o’ great disgrace,

As lang’s my arm.

Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind despair,

And dish them out their bill o' fare,

All Scotland hates yer stinking ware,

That smells like lavvies;

But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,

Cowp yon veggie haggis!

pitaph on Jack McMarra

Here lies Jack McMarra,

Fell under a barra,

Nae mair livin’,

Gone tae Hivin,

Here lies Jack McMarra.

On a Lass of Amazonian Stature

Oh Maisie she’s a right bonnie big lass,

Built like an elephant an’ twice the mass,

Wae eyes as big as mince meat pies,

An’ the strength tae kill men atween her thighs.

Dinnae fo’ fae the charms of her mighty tits,

Or ye’ll end up bein’ buried in twenty bits.

Oh Maisie she’s a right bonnie big lass.

A Warning on Spontaneous Combustion

O whisky is the king of drinks,

Renowned the world o’er,

But here’s a word o’ caution,

Tae think of when ye pour.

There’s a certain combination,

That tastes so very good,

But when it hits your tummy,

And mixes with your food.

That’s when the trouble starts,

For yer pleasure hits overload,

And half an hour later,

Ye’ll suddenly explode.

So there ye are in the pub,

Completely engulfed in flames,

And yer good wife’s dashing home,

Tae lodge insurance claims.

Well now that I have told ye,

Don’t say ye’ve no’ been warned,

So don’t try it oot yersel’,

Or ye’ll soon be bein’ mourned.

On the Ning Nang Nong

On the Ning Nang Nong

Where the Cows go Bong!

And the Monkeys all say Boo!

Theres a Nang Nong Ning

Where the trees go Ping!

And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo

On the Nong Ning Nang

All the Mice go Clang!

And you just cant catch em when they do!

So its Ning Nang Nong!

Cows go Bong!

Nong Nang Ning!

Trees go Ping!

Nong Ning Nang!

The mice go Clang!

What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong

The Voice of the Lobster

Tis the voice of the Lobster: I heard him declare

'You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.'

As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose

Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.

When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,

And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark:

But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,

His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.'

'I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,

How the Owl and the Panter were sharing a pie:

The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,

While the Old had the dish as its share of the treat.

When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,

Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon:

While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,

And concluded the banquet by eating the owl.

Ode Tae a Bumble Bee

Wee hoverin’, fleein’ ferlie fello’,

Wi’ yer stripes o’ black and yello’,

Yer ever sae bonnie, so ye ur,

Like a spring lamb – only smaller and withoot the fur,

But see if ye ever sting me oan the bum again,

Ah’m gonnae jump on yer heid so Ah um.

To a Brussels Sprout

O, Brussels sprout sae green and round,

Ye sit upon ma plate,

So innocently mystifying,

The cause o’ much debate.

Some say ye taste like camel droppings,

While others think you great,

I’m sure your sitting there a wonderin’,

Whit’s goin’ tae be your fate.

So let me tell you o’ so quick,

As nervously you wait,

That I find you e’er so loathsome,

So you definitely won’t be ate.

Duck!!

As a lad ma mates and I,

Played chicken oan motorway lanes,

But that was dull, so now we play,

Duck wae aeroplanes.

Target Practice

Ah've jist shot my mither,

Noo that may seem strange,

But Ah'd jist bought a gun,

And she wis in range.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat oan a wa’

Humpty Dumpty hud a big fa’,

It wisnae an accident,

Caused by cocaine,

It was those fin’ neds,

Frae Easterhoose - again.

The Pig

In England once there lived a big

And wonderfully clever pig.

To everybody it was plain

That Piggy had a massive brain.

He worked out sums inside his head,

There was no book he hadn't read.

He knew what made an airplane fly,

He knew how engines worked and why.

He knew all this, but in the end

One question drove him round the bend:

He simply couldn't puzzle out

What LIFE was really all about.

What was the reason for his birth?

Why was he placed upon this earth?

His giant brain went round and round.

Alas, no answer could be found.

Till suddenly one wondrous night.

All in a flash he saw the light.

He jumped up like a ballet dancer

And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!"

"They want my bacon slice by slice

"To sell at a tremendous price!

"They want my tender juicy chops

"To put in all the butcher's shops!

"They want my pork to make a roast

"And that's the part'll cost the most!

"They want my sausages in strings!

"They even want my chitterlings!

"The butcher's shop! The carving knife!

"That is the reason for my life!"

Such thoughts as these are not designed

To give a pig great piece of mind.

Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,

A pail of pigswill in his hand,

And piggy with a mighty roar,

Bashes the farmer to the floor…

Now comes the rather grizzly bit

So let's not make too much of it,

Except that you must understand

That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,

He ate him up from head to toe,

Chewing the pieces nice and slow.

It took an hour to reach the feet,

Because there was so much to eat,

And when he finished, Pig, of course,

Felt absolutely no remorse.

Slowly he scratched his brainy head

And with a little smile he said,

"I had a fairly powerful hunch

"That he might have me for his lunch.

"And so, because I feared the worst,

"I thought I'd better eat him first."

What is the moral lesson in little red riding hood?

careful of who u trust, and ALWAYS listen to ur mummy..

also go the path that u know to be the correct one and dont take chances unless there's someone with u.

The moral lesson that was given in the story," Little Red Riding Hood" was to not speak to other people you do not know.

Leave this one till you go to bed,but do not read it alone

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in perfect harmony with each other, as all siblings should. They had great respect for all of the other animals in the kingdom, celebrating the differences in physiognomy and physiology which made each animal distinct.

They also lived in perfect harmony with their environment. And when they decided to each construct their own homes, they vowed to only use materials that were indigenous to the area to conserve precious resources. In point-of-fact, they each built a beautiful house, each house a personification of their individual values and personalities.

One pig decided to build a house of straw. With his two brothers, he traveled to all of the fields in the region and gathered that which the reapers had missed in order to leave the land ready for the next crop.

When the first structure was completed, and properly inspected and approved by the woodland authorities, the second one wanted a house constructed of sticks. Our three heros gathered only that woodfall not suitable for crafts, leaving the woods they gleaned safe for travel and replanting.

The second house completed, the three constructed the third house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small smokeless kiln.

When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyllic life-styles were soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas.

He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, “Little pigs, little pigs, let me in !”

The pigs shouted back, “Your terrorist tactics impinge no fear for pigs who are defending their homes and culture.”

But the wolf wasn’t to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit.

Where the straw house had stood, other wolves seized the land and planned a chicken farm, where they would cruelly force the birds to live in over-crowded coops and increase profits by ignoring any problems caused by manure polluting the near-by streams.

Meanwhile, at the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, “Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in !”

The pigs shouted back, “Go away, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor !”

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.

Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves made plans a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, each unit would be a fiberglass replica of the original house of sticks. They planned massive water canals and dams, long known to both wreck and flood the surrounding fragile landscape.

Meanwhile, at the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, “Little pigs, little pigs, let me in !”

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote strong letters of protest to the Editor of the Woodland Journal.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs’ refusal to see the situation from the carnivore’s point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the house that had saved them. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other animals who had been forced off their lands.

The brigade of brave lil’ pigs attacked the wolves’ Total Quality Management Planning Complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care and affordable housing for everyone.

If you are still with us

I hope that you had some fun reading them and had some good laughs

Have a happy Monday and tomorrow is find the vein game for me. he he he NOT!!!!!!

Breath Easy My friends

Berwick xxxxx

5 Replies

oldestnewest
  • :)

    I hope the vein is found easily Berwick. xx

  • I will report the findings tomorrow LOL. Berwick xx

  • Another happy start to my day thankyou

  • My pleasure SilverSurf. Berwick

  • Great fun. Thanks

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