MY SELFISHNESS IS HURTING THE ONES I LOVE THE MOST.MATTCASS

After all the special efforts from Fran and Mark who helped me get back to work I feel my selfishness over the last 4 weeks has nearly drained all my strength and my willpower and I was hurting the two people I love most in the whole world, And all this is due to my RA constantly attacking me mostly my wrists and hands, also getting up at 4 in the morning just to get myself mobile before Fran gets up to dress me but most of the times she was up at the same time and then she was on the go all day with her job then looking after me when I got home.

Then Mark would come straight from nightshift to drive me to work and the times he would say lets go home Dad because he could see the pain I was In even he had tears in his eyes and this is when I felt I was being selfish and stubborn and only once did Fran say don’t go and this was because I was sitting crying she knew how much it meant to me to go to work, And the great thing all through this I have not had one problem with my lungs. The way things are going with my Lungs I can see the transplant being put on hold again and praying Tony Dall05 gets taken of the transplant list.

I told Fran and Mark from the day I decided to got back to work and it was not just to prove a point about getting there I want to stay at work as long as possible, we all know I am going to be housebound in the near future so I will plan my next ventures and not to sit and wait for the big man in the sky to shout Ok Mattcass you have fought a long hard fight and now it’s time for a nice long rest, Oh God where’s he away to Now’ between him and Tony Dall05 they don’t make things easy for me, Oh well I can wait and I will l get them sometime. MATTCASS

17 Replies

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  • OH my i have a lump in my throat now ,the old song says we always hurt the ones we love you are a stubborn an and yet very independent ,but what is work saying about all this !! there is more too life than work thats what the doctor who pensioned me off said and its true your wife can stay in bed longer your son wont have too run you to work you wont be stressed out .Itreduced me to tears when i had to finish but do you know what it gave ten years with my husband to do things that if i had been working would have missed because he died when i was 60 the age i would have been retiring so do what you have to and take care love Dorothyxxx

  • that's brought tears down my face,im so so sorry mc,xx,many times ive asked the big man up there,many things,to loose the 1s we love and cared for,our journey in life is not easy,pain at times can drain the strongest of us,my heart goes out to you and yours ,im sending the largest hugs to you,we cry we laugh we love we take each day as it comes eh,most of all we care,and will do so for as long as need be,rest easy mc, your in my prayers and thoughts,as are your family,im so sorry,as I say take each day as it comes,and we live it best we can,but live it we will,bernicexxX

  • Hey MC he ain't putting us out to green pasture's just yet, we've gotta keep him guessing eh'. I certainly pushed the limits yesterday and exercised and walked till I could do no more and I seem to have got away with it as I'm feeling quite good today.

    I had to give up work 3 years ago but I had no say in the matter, I have tried to go back and failed miserably but at least I knew It just wasn't possible without killing myself. My son has now started as an apprentice at my old garage so I go up 2 days a week to supervise him, its great I just pass on my knowledge and keep my hands clean, ok there's no money in it but I feel useful again. I've noticed something too, my sons tool box is growing and mine is shrinking, whats going on MC, he will be wearing my old boots next. Ha Ha.

    If the strain is proving too much for you and those closest to you MC then try doing a few days a week instead and see how it goes. I'm enjoying my 2 day week and the guys at the garage are happy to see me too.

    Nobody could have tried harder than you MC and your not beaten yet but if you have to stop work then so be it, every one knows you have given it your very best shot.

    Fran and Mark are being brilliant and without any pressure are leaving that big decision to you MC.

    Tony dall05 stay strong MC

  • To MC, Carrotts, dall05. I was having a moan to a lady the other day, aged 90, with problems. She said "KBO" which means Keep B-------g on. Life aint easy especially if you are of working I admire the outlook you can guys have, and wish you all the best hugs from me. xx

    ,

  • that's all we ask keep on going,and we will,hugs back aniseed ,love bernicexxx

  • I run well on HUG power annie and I will probably need that power for tomorrows return to the tennis court. Thanks :)

    Tony xx I'll take my camera so you might get a laugh tomorrow evening. The old lady was right in what she says and that's why she's reached 90.

  • You know Mattcass, stopping work doesn't mean you stop moving and doing things whenever you feel able and want to. In fact its important not to give up just because we cannot work for health reasons, or our health is in jeopardy if we work, it works both ways for lung patients. Work is not the B all and end all of life, far far from it.

    You may find that stopping work will give you a new lease of life and much better able to manage your day when you are having a bad day, rest when you need to, do things at your own pace more, not to the deadline of an employer.

    So I say, don't give up yet my friend, you may find you are better able to enjoy being with family and friends much much more, just by allowing your body to go at its own pace, rest when it needs, you may find things becoming easier away from the working environment and the meeting of deadlines more relaxed for you, Fran and Mark.

    Wishing you, Fran and Mark

    the very best wishes BC

  • Oh my MC if you were a truly selfish person you could never have put this post together so thoughtfully.I feel your cruel pain.Your family love you and are behind you all the way whatever you decide.What Tony says above makes sense maybe cut your hours and see how you manage?our lives change constantly and we have to roll with it, accepting we may have to play a slightly different role.?Take care dont be hard on yourself,try and be positive and plan a new way of living..Janexx

  • Echo the advice of BC and L.L. Wise thoughts to keep in mind - love Annieseedx

  • Stay strong MC, do what you think is right for you, Fran and Mark and keep up the pma (positive mental attitude), not easy when you are in such pain. Sending you lots of love and good wishes. All will be fine in the end, you'll see. Take care. xxxx

  • Mf friend an ex SAS Officer has just had his 100th birthday, that helps keeping me going.If he can do it then so must I.

    KOTC

  • I'm digging in for the next 46 years then and I'll remember this moment when I reach a century on this planet. :)

  • Hi Matt

    One of the hardest things we have to come to terms with, I think, is the fact that we can't do all the things we once could. I don't just mean just because of lung problems, or other conditions, but simply getting older too.

    Over the years there have been times when I just wanted to read my book, sit in the sun or have a snooze but work, family, housework, must-do-jobs around the house all came first. Well, now I have no choice but to have 'me' time.

    I'm sure it doesn't even cross your family's mind to think you are being selfish. My husband had to give up work at 58 due to ill-health, we don't get any benefits, and I still go out to work (though I am now down to 3 days a week). I NEVER think of him as being selfish. He does the housework and laundry etc at a pace that suits him, giving us both more time to spend together (or apart) doing the things we enjoy. Much less pressure all round, and if he doesn't feel like hoovering today, then it'll wait.

    It's a safe bet your family will be happy with whatever you choose to do to make your life easier and more comfortable- the hard part is our coming to terms with what's happening to us and learning to accept our limitations.

    (Sorry I never seem to get the words to sound right when their written, but hope it makes some sense.)

    Carrie

  • Oh Mattcass you have really brought a lump to my throat with that. You sound such a lovely caring person and you deserve to have such good people in your life. Your illness is not your fault. If the positions were reversed wouldn't you do anything for the people you love? With such a strong and positive attitude like yours and the help of your loved ones you are going to be ok. Hugs.

    Bev xx

  • There is nothing left for me to say. They will always love you whatever you choose to do. xx

  • Nothing left for me to say either, except that I retired through Disability 2 years early 7 years ago. I felt much better for it, less stress and more rest helps enormously. Cheryl

  • Mattcass, You really have brought me to tears, It is never nice to finish work, when we don't wont to but have to, The feeling of belonging to the outside world, and being the provider is hard, but you really will adjust, and you will all feel that the pressure has lifted, Give it a try, Love Heather X

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