Daily Laughter Friday
Have a great Friday the day of the POETS
Have a great Friday and a better weekend
I don’t want to go to school Mum
I want to stay at home with my duck.
I’d rather stay home with you Mum,
And hit the skirting board with my truck.
Don’t make me go to school today Mum,
I’ll sit here quite on the stairs
Or I’ll sit underneath the table
Scratching all the varnich of the chairs.
I don’t want to go to school Mum,
When I could be underneath your feet.
It’s shopping day and we could go together
Taking twisce as long to get to Regent Street.
And every time you stop to talk to someone
I won’t let you concentrate, no fear,
I’ll be jumping up and down beside you
Shouting ‘Can I have some sweets Mum?’ in your ear.
Or how about me doing a bit of painting?
Or what about a bit of cutting out?
Or sitting in the open bedroom window
Body in and legs sticking out?
Or what about us going up the park Mum?
Or how about me sitting in the sink?
Or what about me making you a cake Mum?
And Mum. Hey Mum. Mum can I have a drink?
Mum what’s that at the bottom of the cupboard?
And Mum, what’s that bad you put down there?
And hey Mum watch me jump straight off the sofa,
And Mum, whose dog is that stood over there?
What you doing Mum? Peeling potatoes?
Sit me on the drainer watching you
I wouldn’t mind me trousers getting wet Mum,
Oh I aren’t half fed up. What can I do?
What time is Daddy coming home Mum?
What’s in that long packet? Sausage Meat?
How long is it before he comes Mum?
And Mum. Hey Mum. What can I have to eat?
Oh sorry Mum! I’ve upset me Ribena.
Oh look! It’s making quite a little pool.
Hey Mum, hey, where we going in such a hurry?
Oh Mum! Hey Mum, you’re taking me to SCHOOL!
How I wish that I was tidy
How I wish that I was neat
How I wish I was methodical
Like others down out street.
I tried to stem the rising tide
I tried to hold it back
But I have been the victim
Of a heap of stuff attack.
Yes, heaps of stuff come creeping,
They clutter up the hall.
And heaps of stuff are softly
Climbing halfway up the wall.
At each end of the staircase
Is a giant heap, a stack;
One to carry up the stairs
And one to carry back.
In a heap of stuff invasion
They settle everywhere -
They grovel on the lino
They tower on the chair.
You're searching for a jacket,
"Is it in here?" you shout,
And, opening the cupboard door,
A heap of stuff falls out.
But heaps are many-faceted
And heaps are multi-faced
And what a heap is made of
Will depend on where it's placed.
Now if it's in the passage
It is mostly boots and shoes
And if it's on the sofa
It is magazines and news.
If it's in the shed
It's broken propagating frames
And if it's in the bathroom
Well, it's best to say no names,
And if it's in the bedroom -
Your own and not the guest's -
The heap of stuff is mostly made
Of socks and shirts and vests.
For a heap is indestructible,
It's something you can't fight.
If you split it up by day
It joins back up at night.
So cunningly positioned
as from room to room you trek,
Increasing all the chances
That you trip and break your neck.
But step into my parlour
Now I've forced the door ajar;
I'll excavate an easy chair -
Just cling there where you are.
And together we'll survey it
Till our eyes they feast enough
On the tidiest home in England
Underneath the heaps of stuff.
The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
Can a physicist read the periodic table? Isotope so.
Some people take beautiful pictures and cut them into pieces. That's a puzzle to me.
When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.
When the shoe store owner discovered that someone had broken into his store, the police pumped him for information.
How does the earth get clean? It takes a meteor shower!
Because they moved into an apartment, they didn't need to cut the grass any mow.
Philosophers are very Hume-orous people.
At breakfast, the hacker downloaded cornflakes via his cereal port.
Lazy people worship a bone idol.
The Naked Wood Company gets a lot of unfinished business.
The family of bears posing for their family portrait experienced a true Kodiak moment.
Even on Easter Island, most folks would rather croon an oldie than Rapa Nui.
I agree with you wholeheartedly,' said the artichoke grower.
When I learned what the gun lobby was doing, I went ballistic!
The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
I missed my miniature Indian musical instrument practice last night. I couldn't find a baby sitar.
He frequently practices furtive looks to operate at peek efficiency.
Two coin collectors got together for old dimes sake.
There are all kinds of love in the world,
but never the same love twice.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language,
I said nothing.
Once you enter the world of parenthood,
you'll only be as happy as your saddest child.
Fads decimate individuality.
Stereotypes are by-products of a simple minded society.
Life is like a game of poker, sometimes you have the cards, sometimes you don't.
Life Guide: Don't jerk people around, do it smoothly!
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
You cannot be lost if you did not know where you where headed for when you started out.
Tomorrow may yet come, but today will never come again.
There is no future for those who live in the past.
If you do not say what you feel, who will?
The effect may remain long after the cause in gone.
When two share the same pain, they are one.
Letting go is hard to do, yet there are times when it is what must be done.
A man isn't known by what he has, but by what he does with what he has.
If you have the urge to be somebody else, then you obviously arent being yourself.
If I handed everyone in the world a pennie everytime I said something stupid, I'd be twice as broke as I was before.
When the time comes, be patient. but, till then, wait for that time to come.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your "real" friends love you anyway.
-- THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
Nothing's wrong with whining if your friend enjoys it too and both of you as experts know when to take a cue!
The Rhyming Dictionary is best friend to a poet like me, but friend to every poet the Thesaurus ought to be.
If I could live my life again, I would not go back if all my memories were not still intact.
Life is a luck of the draw to which you previously agreed.
My life is so ironic that I'm happy when I'm sad.
Thank me and I'll remember you forever; Ignore me, and eventually I'll go away.
If every day were Christmas . . . what would become of Halloween?
Poetry is a lovely way to voice disappointment.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live...
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us...
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once...
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked...
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip...
Never is almost as meaningless a word as Forever.
The first war was fought with clubs, and stones, the only thing that has really changed is that today the clubs are fully automatic, and the stones have nuclear warheads.
To write with feeling requres more than just pen and paper.
No less than all you have, is what you need to get to where you want to be.
It seems you never hear the truth from those you should hear it from.
Some never find what they set out looking for, but sometimes they find things of much more value.
Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.
Real love is the steadfast, slow-growing, everyday love, that lasts while forever maintaining its mystery, and slipping through the fingers of those who ineptly grope for understanding.
All my heart hides is all I can reveal.
It is a fool who says," can I ask one more question?" to a man with no answers.
Understanding that you know nothing, is the key of great knowledge.
Old hags know more of life than young princesses.
Good advice from loving parents, on which you didn't act may be the very same advice your son just snickered at.
One man's junk is another's treasure, this I know for fact. But since it looks so lovely in your home, I want it back!
Love is like a roller coaster...you can only get off in one piece when it is at the bottom.
Why is there never time to do it right, but always time to do it over?
A single tear can flood the heart.
Success is like flying a plane; flying is easy, getting off the ground is the hard part
Most spend far more time in the pursuit of what they want, than what they need.
Fate favors only a few, if you are one, you are lucky!
The hands of the clock, with every trip around its face, wipe out all that was, and bring us to what is.
One of the great mysteries of life is how we can care so much about some, and so little about others.
A circle of lies can be broken only by the truth at its center.
The only fire hotter than those of hell, is the fire of passion.
If you need a reason to treat others fairly, try this one: it is the right thing to do.
I'm making my brother my personal slave,
so now when I greet you my brother will wave.
He'll do all my homework; he'll take all my tests.
He'll clean up my messes and wait on my guests.
He'll hold out my hanky whenever I sneeze.
He'll say that he did it if I "cut the cheese."
He'll go take a bath if I play in the dirt.
He'll eat all my spinach, then feed me dessert.
He'll empty the garbage and vacuum the floors
and finish my other unsavory chores,
like washing the dishes and mowing the yard
or anything else even modestly hard.
I really enjoy all the effort I save
by making my brother my personal slave.
And though I'll admit how exciting it is,
I'm not sure it's worth it, 'cause next week I'm his.
My dog plays invisible Frisbee.
He catches invisible balls.
He rides an invisible skateboard.
He hurdles invisible walls.
My dog has perfected the practice
of doing invisible tricks.
He jumps with invisible jumpropes
and fetches invisible sticks.
He barks at invisible mailmen.
He growls at invisible cats.
He'll bring me invisible slippers
and even invisible hats.
He chases invisible squirrels
whenever we go for a jog.
He's clearly the greatest dog ever.
I love my invisible dog.
I didn't go camping.
I didn't go hiking.
I didn't go fishing.
I didn't go biking.
I didn't go play
on the slides at the park.
I didn't watch shooting stars
way after dark.
I didn't play baseball
or soccer outside.
I didn't go on an
amusement park ride.
I didn't throw Frisbees.
I didn't fly kites,
or have any travels,
or see any sights.
I didn't watch movies
with blockbuster crowds,
or lay on the front lawn
and look at the clouds.
I didn't go swimming
at pools or beaches,
or visit an orchard
and pick a few peaches.
I didn't become
a guitarist or drummer,
but, boy, I played plenty
of Minecraft this summer.
Hey,Rose, what was that memory course instructor's name?
the manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees."Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
HEAVEN AND HELL (The Difference)
Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian;
the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English
the car mechanics are French the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
An elderly couple were in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried."
she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.
" then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.
" she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he thought a while and said "yes, of course,
this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it.
" she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."
The teacher said Frank you are late again!
Why are you always Late? Frank said it's the sign miss
The teacher said what sign? Frank said the one down the road
It says SCHOOL AHEAD GO SLOW
Vandals had set fire to a farmers haystack which then spread to his barn.
While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company
and asked them to send a check for £30,000 the amount of insurance on the barn.
“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained.
“We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
BEGGAR ON BOND STREET
A beggar who was working Bond Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money.
The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.”
The beggar replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says,
"I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
he said! I'm a divorce Lawyer
YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
The secretary said to her boss.
"You have an appointment at 12"
The boss said who is it with
She said,"its the invisinble man"
The boss said,"Tell him I cant see him"
A lady goes to a divorce lawyer and says "I want a divorce."
The lawyer says, "Do you have grounds?"
Oh yes she said, "We have about 4 acres and a long driveway,
No no no you have misundersood me.
I mean do you have a grudge?
She said "No its not a grudge, we have a carport."
He said" No thats not what meant, Let me put it another way.
Why do you want a divorce.?
Oh that's easy its my husband.
he can't hold a sensible conversation!
Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman
called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low.
His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.
"To be shure it was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied Paddy. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that
there was another phone call for him in the office.
This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum,
and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news,"
"That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You prefer it fell on the floor again?"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Two Country truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to a low bridge.
A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.
So the first GUY looks at the second GUY and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn.
He stands erect and booms out,
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver,
and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
JESUS SENT ME
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the
neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began
his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"
PRESENTS FROM A SHEIK
There was a businesswoman who just made a millions of dollars for
an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik
offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls
Royce, but she declined.
The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf
and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.
A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.
"So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't
disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."
*SCOUSE* * VASECTOMY
After having their 11th child, a * *Liverpudlian* * couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works** ** in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.*
COMMING TO BLOWS
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big guy and -- WHAM!!!" --
knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that was a crowbar from Screwfix.
Q: WHAT COUNTRY DID CANDY COME FROM?
Q: WHY ARE COOKS SO CRUEL?
A: BECAUSE THEY BEAT THE EGGS AND WHIP THE CREAM.
Q: HOW DO YOU FIX A BROKEN PIZZA?
A: WITH TOMATO PASTE.
Q: HOW CAN YOU KEEP FROM GETTING A SHARP PAIN IN YOUR EYE WHEN YOU DRINK CHOCOLATE MILK?
A: TAKE THE SPOON OUT OF THE GLASS.
Q: WHAT DO SEVEN DAY OF DIETING DO?
A: THEY MAKE ONE WEAK (WEEK).
CHOCOLATE TONGUE TWISTER: A CHEEKY CHIMP CHUCKED CHEAP CHOCOLATE CHIPS IN THE CHEAP CHOCOLATE CHIP SHOP.
Q: WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS AN OVERWEIGHT GOLFER AND A PAIR OF VERY TIGHT PANTS?
A: A HOLE IN ONE.
Q: WHY DID THE DONUT GO TO THE DENTIST?
A: IT NEEDED A CHOCOLATE FILLING.
Q: WHICH IS THE FUNNIEST SODA?
Q: WHERE CAN YOU GET MILKSHAKES?
A: FROM NERVOUS COWS.
1. Q: WHAT IS WORST THAN A TONGUE TWISTER?
A: A TONGUE TWISTER WHILE CHEWING BUBBLE GUM.
Try this one while chewing bubble gum:
DOUBLE BUBBLE GUM, BUBBLES DOUBLE.
2. A GOOD COOK COULD COOK AS MANY COOKIES AS A GOOD COOK COULD COOK COOKIES.
3. FRESHLY-FRIED FAT FRYING FISH.
DOGS LOOK UP TO YOU AND CATS LOOK DOWN ON YOU. GIVE ME A PIG. HE JUST LOOKS YOU IN THE EYE AND TREATS YOU LIKE AN EQUAL.
A BIG KID JOKE (For your mom and dad):
THE EASY WAY TO TEACH CHILDREN THE VALUE OF MONEY IS TO BORROW FROM THEM.
Do you have a SQUEAKY CLEAN KIDS JOKE, THANKSGIVING FOOD JOKE, FITNESS JOKE, or a CHRISTMAS
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? ... peanut butter.
A KOOKY COOKY COOKIE JOKE:
Q: WHY DID THE COOKIE GO TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE?
A: BECAUSE IT WAS FEELING CRUMMY.
Q. Why were the screams coming from the kitchen ?
A. The cook was beating the eggs. Q: What is the biggest ant?
A: An Elephant GRADE SCHOOL JOKE (Old as the hills):
Q: WHAT HAS FOUR WHEELS AND FLIES?
A: A GARBAGE TRUCK.
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Where as she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soul mate ‘till the end.
That's It friends till Monday
Have a great Friday and have a fun tied weekend