Daily Laughter Wednesday
Happy Wednesday to one and all
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer.
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
My teacher took my iPod.
She said they had a rule;
I couldn't bring it into class
or even to the school.
She said she would return it;
I'd have it back that day.
But then she tried my headphones on
and gave a click on Play.
She looked a little startled,
but after just a while
she made sure we were occupied
and cracked a wicked smile.
Her body started swaying.
Her toes began to tap.
She started grooving in her seat
and rocking to the rap.
My teacher said she changed her mind.
She thinks it's now okay
to bring my iPod into class.
She takes it every day.
My puppy punched me in the eye.
My rabbit whacked my ear.
My ferret gave a frightful cry
and roundhouse kicked my rear.
My lizard flipped me upside down.
My kitten kicked my head.
My hamster slammed me to the ground
and left me nearly dead.
So my advice? Avoid regrets;
no matter what you do,
don't ever let your family pets
take lessons in kung fu.
Before I go to sleep each night
I first remove my head,
and set it gently down upon
the nightstand by my bed.
And every morning when I wake,
I stretch my arms and yawn,
then pick my head up carefully
and put it right back on.
I put my head on backward
when I woke up yesterday,
and, every time I turned my head,
I looked the other way.
I started walking into walls
and falling down the stairs.
I stumbled into tables
and I tumbled over chairs.
Today is looking is even worse;
I woke up in my bed
and felt around my nightstand
but I couldn't find my head.
I hope I find it shortly.
I'd be sad if it were gone.
From now on when I go to bed
I think I'll leave it on.
I have an invisible dragon.
She's such a remarkable flyer.
She soars through the sky on invisible wings
exhaling invisible fire.
My dragon is utterly silent.
She soundlessly swoops through the air.
Why, she could be flying beside you right now,
and you'd never know she was there.
And if you should reach out to pet her,
I don't think you'd notice too much.
Her body is simply too airy and light
to sense her by means of a touch.
And just as you don't see or hear her,
and just as she cannot be felt,
my dragon does not have an odor at all,
which means that she'll never be smelt.
Although you may find this outlandish,
you just have to trust me, it's true.
And, oh, by the way, did I mention I have
an invisible unicorn too?
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don't understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
With eyes that blink and stare!
I don't understand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It's called defragmenter, scan disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While IT points out my mistakes!
Oh! It's the homely things.
The come running friendly things
The won't you let me help you things.
That make our pathway light.
And never mind the "trouble" things
"the laugh with me",
It's funny things.
That makes the world bright!
So! Here's to all little things
The "done and then forgotten" things
Those "oh-it's simply nothing" things
That make life worth the fight.
But for enigmatic humans!
Simply little things.
My son is born
I hand out cigars
My wife says,
"He has your eyes."
And everyone agrees,
but then they open
My father looks like Frankenstein,
my mom looks like Godzilla,
my brother looks like Dracula,
my sister, Vampirella.
My family is the scariest
in this entire city.
I really can't explain how I
turned out to be so pretty.
I'm having trouble thpeaking,
thinthe I lotht my middle tooth.
Jutht yethterday my tooth wath fine --
today it wiggled loothe.
At firtht I thought it thilly,
when my tooth fell out today,
But no one theems to underthtand
a thingle word I thay.
I athked my mom to clothe the door,
she thaid "That would be rude.
The door does not like wearing clothes;
it's happy in the nude."
I thaid a mouthe wath in my room
and she should come and thee.
She thaid "your mouth is on your face;
it's right where it should be."
I wonder if you underthtand
the thircumthtanthe I'm in.
I told her I wath feeling thick.
She thaid "you're looking thin."
At latht she thaw how mad I wath,
And thought I might thtop breathing.
She laughed and thaid she didn't mean it --
She wath only teething.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.
I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.
The international jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.
Hyla Hope Harder
I love you mower today than yesterday, but not as mulch as tomorrow.
When the snake charmer wanted to get dressed up, she put on an extra garter.
Did you hear about the man who was jabbed in the back with a set of keys? His back locked up.
I told the psychiatrist that I was afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. He said I had zenophobia.
The hotel chef was noted for his tomfoolery and his capers.
As a drug counselor, I get clients by refeeral.
Getting this job managing a country estate has put me off fried eggs. I'm a gamekeeper turned poacher.
The movie about the mobile home was advertised with a trailer.
I tinted my hair today. It was the highlight of my day.
The charges of the otolaryngologist was exorbitant, I had to pay through the nose!
Some clockmakers are normal, but others are a little cuckoo.
The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.
106.I never liked befriending assassins. They're all backstabbers.
The politician is not one for Indian food. But he's good at currying favors.
I went to Cairo, but I don't remember if I saw the river or not. I wonder if I am senile.
My pet turtle died. I'm not upset, just shell shocked.
I went to the theatre, it looked a bit suspicious. I reckon the whole thing was staged.
Now all of you pay attention
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.”
Hope that you had a good read. Have a very happy Wednesday
Breath Easy my Friends