Daily Laughter Tuesday
Good morning Tuesday
Have a good belly laugh and a better day
One Liner Jokes
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures.
What does an accountant do when they are constipated?
They get a pencil and work it out.
They use a No.2 pencil.
Why accountants don’t read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
“Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
What do you call an accountant seen talking to someone?
What do accountant’s do for fun?
Add up the telephone book.
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?
Auditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens.
Why did the accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep what does she say?
“Darling, tell me about your work.”
What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.
What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?
The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
2.I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
3.I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
4.I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
5.It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
6.I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
7.I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
8.There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
9.Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
10.There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
11 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
12.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13.Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
14.He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
15.A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
16.Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
17.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
18.When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
19.A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
20.Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
21 No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
22.Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
23.I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
24.The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
25.Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
26.The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
27.A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
28.I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
29.Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.
30.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Am I aging like wine
Or Limburger cheese?
A lady so fine
Or pan of old grease?
My age spots just freckles
To point out my dimples
And what of the skin tags
On my skin that just sags.
The cellulite that seems
Deep enough to plant beans
And what of the brain
That seems now insane.
If old styles come back,
I may give a whack
At wearing a chemise
To the marquees.
I'll tease up my hair
And style it with flair,
Put on those red heels
And flip some cartwheels.
My mind is still young
But loose seems my tongue
To think that this old mare
Might still have some flair.
TURN UP YOUR HEARING AIDE
Turn up your hearing aide;
Grandma's a courtin no more.
No more wanting herself a man
To hear him fart and snore.
So turn up your hearing aide
and hear what I have to say;
I no longer want a man
nor a toss upon the hay.
When you're a turning eighty-two,
No need no more for one;
So Grandpa you put back your shoe;
With me you'll have no fun.
So turn up that hearing aide
And hear me when I say;
I no longer want a man
Nor a toss upon the hay.
THE OLD SHOE
I'm an old worn out shoe.
I am not very new.
Sitting all by myself
On an old dusty shelf.
My white laces are worn
Tattered, tacky, and torn.
I've walked a million miles
On carpet, floor, and tiles.
My slick, slippery heel
Is a banana peel.
My color is faded,
The style out-dated.
My mate has gone astray.
I'm left here to decay.
Well this old Boot is going to call it a day.
Hope that you enjoyed Tuesdays Daily laughter
Have a great day my friends