Daily Laughter Monday
Good happy Monday my friends
Hope your weekekend was a good one
Please remember the rules as I cannot ber responsible for tea/ coffee or any other stains over your keyboards or computer screens.
For those who have Monday Morning blues, this will cheer you up a little bit.
Please enjoy them
1. A horse walks into a bar, bartender says, “Why the long face?”
2. A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49”. The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”
3. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman, “Hey man, what did you do that for?”
4. A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer………………………….. and some of those peanuts”. The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
5. A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”
6. A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending a bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place”.
7. A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!” The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves”.
+ A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked
“Yes, we do”, replied the fishmonger
“Great”, said the man. “It’s his birthday”
What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese
How do you make a milk shake? Give it a good scare
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it
Where do polar bears vote? The North poll
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show everyone he wasn’t chicken
What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip? Bison
What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website
What kind of bees makes milk instead of honey? Boobees
How do bees get to school? By school buzz
What do you call a bear with no ear? B
How can you tell the ocean is friendly? It waves
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
What was the most popular dance in 1776? Indepen-dance
What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte
What does a baby computer call his father? Data
Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open
Why are dogs such bad dancers? They have two left feet.
What did the bean said to another bean? How’ve ya bean?
What did the doctor say to the midget? You just have to be a little patient.
Why do the French like to eat snails? Because they don’t like fast food
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut
1. Patient: “Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea”.
Doctor: “Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink”.
2. “Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?”
“Yes, of course!”
“Great! I never could before!”
3. A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch I hurts! When I touch my shoulder, it hurts. If I touch my knee –OUCH! When I touch my head, it really, really hurts!” The doctor replied, “Man, you have your finger broken!”
1. Student: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
Teacher: “Of course not!”
Student: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework!”
2. Teacher: "Did your father help you with your homework?"
Student: "No, he did it all by himself"
3. Student: “I was born in Florida!”
Teacher: “Which part?”
Student: “All of me!”
4. A student says to his friend, “Guess how many coins I have in my pocket”
The friend says, “If I guess right, will you give me one of them?”
The first kid says, “If you guess right, I’ll give you both of them!”
1. Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat ran away scared. Later, when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, “You see, it pays to be bilingual!”
2. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. “Wow!” said the father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?” The girl replied, “It was a wrong number”.
3. Son: "Dad, what is an idiot?"
Dad: "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?"
4. Customer: "Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it"
Waiter: "Oh, that’s ok. The soup isn’t that hot"
5. Bank Teller: "How do you like the money?"
Customer: "I like it very much!"
6. “Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
“No, I’m sorry I don’t”
“Well, it’s blocks this way, then one block to the right”
7. There were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, “oh, come one, let’s eat the sandwiches”. Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”
8. After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. “But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”
9. My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” “Nothing. She’s just having contractions”.
10. An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other, “If you don’t mind me saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck”. “Yes”, the other one said, “I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck, and my leg became dangled up in a loose line, it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee. You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in an attempt to rescue him, and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off”. The friend added, “My, you really did experience bad luck! I see you have a patch over one eye, what happened to your eye?” The sailor responded, “Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye”. The friend said, “What!? Did that take your eye out?” The old sailor replied, “No, that was the first day I had my hook”.
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. "But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Happy Hour...With a Twist
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Not Fade Away
# Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
# Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
# Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
# Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
# Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness," he replied. "The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. "Elation," he replied. "The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas. The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
Man's Best Friend
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat." "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie. "I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers? A: They have two left feet.
Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."
What a Card!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan. -- Pun American Newsletter
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
What's Black and White and ...
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Swimming With Sharks
What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer? All the information you want, except you can't understand it.
What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
Why It's Important to Listen Carefully Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane. The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama. "Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. -- Steven Wright
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. "What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? How's it work?" "Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!
A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?" The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?" "No," says the bum. The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?" Again the bum says, "No." So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Blue Collar Comedy
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
Three things you'll never hear a redneck say: # The tires on that truck are too big. # I thought Graceland was tacky. # Duct tape won't fix that!
You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars! "This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first." The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation. "Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
The Usual Suspects
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."
Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ..
Hunters Are Easy to Make Fun Of
Two men are hunting in a desolate wood, walking along in silence, when one of them suddenly collapses and doesn't move. His friend immediately whips out his cell phone and dials 911. When the operator answers, he cries, "Help, please! I think my friend is dead!"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
The hunter agrees; there is a short pause, and then the sound of a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?!"
Simple Deduction, My Dear Watson!
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip. After stories around the fire, wine, and good food, they decide to turn in for the night. Hours later, with the moon high, Holmes wakes his ever faithful friend and says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you can see."
Watson opens his eyes and replies, "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes."
"And what can you deduce from that?"
After pondering for a moment, Watson smartly replies, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that I am looking at a huge multitude of stars, planets, perhaps even galaxies. Astrologically, I have observed that Saturn is within Leo. Horologically, it would appear that it is half past three in the morning. Meteorlogically, I believe that we are going to have wonderful weather tomorrow. Religiously and theorologically, it tells me that God is truly a great being and we are more insignificant than we will ever know. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you fool!" he says at length. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
So Rude It's Funny
Two men are out playing golf. Just as one of them gets ready to tee off, he sees a funeral procession passing nearby. He stops in his tracks, takes off his hat, bows his head, and closes his eyes. Awestruck, his friend says, "Why, Bert, what a kind gesture. What a comfort that must be to the family to see you doing that in honor of their loved one! You are the most thoughtful and selfless person I know."
Bert looks up, replaces his hat, and shrugs. "Yeah, well, we were married for thirty-five years."
The UK Clocks In
A woman gets on a bus carrying her newborn son in her arms. The driver looks over and says in disgust, "That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen! Ugh!"
Affronted, the woman stomps to an empty seat and says to a man nearby, "That driver just insulted me!"
The man replies, "That's terrible! You go on, go on, go tell him off good--I'll hold your monkey for you."
...And So Does Canada, Eh?
When NASA first began sending astronauts up into space, they discovered that ballpoint pens do not work in zero gravity. Therefore, they spent 12 billion dollars and ten long years developing a pen that not only writes in zero gravity, but functions upside down, underwater, on any surface including glass, and in temperatures ranging from 0 to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
There is a huge flood in a seaside city, and a pastor is trapped atop a house. A small lifeboat full of people floats past and cries for him to join them.
The pastor declines, saying, "The Lord will protect and save me!" So the lifeboat moves on.
A few minutes later, with the water rising, a speedboat comes by. The passengers call to the man to climb aboard. The pastor again declines, saying, "The Lord will protect and save me! I am not afraid! The Lord will save me!" So the speedboat, too, moves on.
After an hour, with the water rising still higher, a helicopter flies by overhead. A man shouts down to the pastor to grab the ladder. The pastor replies, "The Lord will protect and save me! the LORD will save me!!!" And so the helicopter moved on.
Within minutes the water rose up higher and the pastor drowned. Standing at the golden gates, he went to God in horrible confusion and said, "My Lord, what happened? I thought you would always protect me! I thought you would be there to save me!"
God looked down at him, bewildered, and retorted, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?!"
Could you speak up?
Three old guys, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny spring morning. One says to another, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man answers, "it's Thursday." The third guy, listening in, pipes up, "So am I! Let's grab a beer."
Three absent-minded sisters
Three sisters, aged 81, 83 and 85, live together. One night the 85 year old draws a bath for herself. As she sticks her foot in, she pauses. She yells to her sisters downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 83 year old shouts back loudly, "I don't know. Let me come up there and see." She begins walking up the stairs, but then pauses . She yells to her sisters "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 81 year old is sitting in the living room, enjoying some tea. She listens to her sisters, shakes her head and mutters to herself, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood." She then turns and shouts, "I'll come up there and help both of you as soon as I see who's knocking at the door."
Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.
One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , "Now please don't get angry with me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't seem to remember your name! I've been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!"
Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn't speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, "How soon do you need to know?"
Behind the wheel
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Picking up, he heard his wife, her voice high with anxiety, warn him, "Henry, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on Highway 880. Please be careful!"
"One?" replied Henry, "You've got to be kidding me. I see at least a hundred!"
Two elderly women, Mildred and Hazel, were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard.
As they're driving along to the grocery store, they approach an intersection. The light is red, but Mildred just drives on through, not hesitating for a second. Bewildered, Hazel thinks to herself "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just drove through a red light."
A few minutes later, they come up to another red light. Again, Mildred drives right on through. Hazel is alarmed, but is still not sure if she's imagining things. At the next intersection, however, Mildred drives through another red light, prompting Hazel to turn to her friend. "Mildred, are you aware that we just ran through three red lights in a row?"
Mildred replies: "You know, I noticed that too!"
Hazel, flabbergasted, stammers, "You could have gotten us both killed!"
Mildred turns to her slowly, and says, "Me?! I thought you were driving!"
A retired woman calls 911 on her cellphone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher replies reassuringly, "Don't worry, ma'am. An officer is on his way."
A few minutes later, the dispatched officer calls in. "Disregard." He says. "She got into the back seat by mistake."
A man walking through a park notices an old lady sitting on a bench crying her eyes out. He feels bad and stops to ask her what's wrong. She sobs, "I have a gorgeous 24 year old husband at home. Every morning, he makes passionate love to me, and then gets up and brings me breakfast in bed."
Puzzled, the man says, "Lucky lady! Well, then why are you crying?" Wiping tears off her cheeks, she replies, "For lunch, he makes me my favorite -- homemade tomato soup and a grilled cheese -- and then he makes love to me all afternoon long."
Still confused, the man asks, "That sounds wonderful. What could possibly make you so sad?" Between gasps for air, she replies, "For dinner he take me out to finest restaurants, pays for everything, and then takes me home to a night of unbelievable lovemaking."
Exasperated, the man asks, "Well, why on earth are you crying?" With a look of utter despair, the lady bawls, "I can't remember where I live!"
Tools of the trade
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Marjorie notices something peculiar about Mabel's ear and says, '"Mabel, why on earth do you have a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel, surprised, replies, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulls it out and stares at it for a moment. Blushing, she replies, "Marj, sweetheart, thanks for letting me know. Now I think I know where to find my missing hearing aid."
The Church Organist
Eighty-three year old Clara Miller was a church organist, and had never been married. She was adored by her congregation for her sweet, if innocent, demeanor.
The church deacon came to visit her one afternoon, and she brought him him into her living room to enjoy some tea and cookies.
He looked around the room and his eyes fell on her old pump organ. The deacon noticed a glass bowl filled with water sitting on it. Getting up from his seat to have a closer look, he was shocked to see a condom floating in it.
Stunned, he stumbled back to his seat as Clara returned with the tea and cookies.
For a few minutes, they chit-chatted, but the deacon had trouble getting his mind off the condom floating in the glass bowl. Finally, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked.
"Miss Miller, I was wondering if you could tell me a little about this...", said the deacon, and he pointed to the bowl.
Clara beamed. "Isn't it wonderful? I was strolling through the park a couple of months ago, and I found a little foil packet on a bench. It instructed to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent disease. And wouldn't you know, I haven't had a cold or flu since."
Ice cream parlor
A small, elderly man slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor and carefully pulled himself onto a stool at the counter, wincing the whole time.
After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae.
Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."
Morty, Simon and Jack were discussing their daily health woes.
Morty sighs and says, "I hate having to try to pee in the morning. I'll sit on the toilet for hours and all I can manage is a slow dribble. It's torture."
Simon shakes his head, and says, "I have it worse. I sit on the pot for hours hoping for a BM. It's agonizing."
Jack turns up his lips, and says, "You two think you have it bad? I never have those kinds of trouble. I've relieved myself completely by 8 o'clock every morning."
Morty and Simon look at each incredulously and turn to Jack. "What on earth are you complaining about, then?!" they ask.
"I don't wake up until 9!"
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenager with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
The boy says scornfully, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man sighs and replies, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
The biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
Like his mother used to do.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions roite. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "Tell me now, and how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple, on question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know' and you put down, ‘Neither do I’.
An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch, and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"
A man had two great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting
event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married.
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."
What is Old?
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
and you answer,
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN..
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN.
A sexy babe catches your eye
and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls
all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your
spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are cautioned to slow down by....
The doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action' means
I don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
An 'all-nighter' means
not getting up to pee.
On that subject I think we shall call it a day
Hope that you enjoyed them
Please my friends have a great Monday whatever you are doing
Breath Easy my friends