Daily Laughter Wednesday
Good happy Wednesday My friends
I was only stabbed 5 times yesterday all went well down to 2 hours and 30 minutes to get it all in. Cannot be bad. he he he
Please remember the rules as I cannot ber responsible for tea/ coffee or any other stains over your keyboards or computer screens.
Please enjoy them
What did the co-dependent wife say to her husband when she woke up in the morning? How am I going to feel today?
One woman says to another, "Isn't your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replies, "Why, yes, it is. I married the wrong man"!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice"
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." -
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed you find you didn't need it anyway!
Whenever I date a guy I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
I think - therefore I'm single
I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -
My wife ran off with my best friend and I really miss him
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to!
Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die
I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage, the leading cause of divorce.
Alimony, a Latin term for removing a man's wallet through his genitals.
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. -
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
She was a great housekeeper, too. When we divorced, she kept the house.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked. "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."
Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator. - Unknown
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer.
Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Marriage is great, but I wouldn't recommend it to single people.
I took a walk in the city today
to try to pass the time away.
Saw lots of people walking too
stepped right in a pile of doggy doo.
I thought for a moment just what could be done
to clean up the streets of doggie dung.
Maybe I'll invent something really super
even finer than a pooper scooper.
A port a potty for our four legged friends
on every street corner where every road bends.
Then I'll become famous for this awesome invention
at the monthly town meetings my name will be mentioned.
They'll throw a big party and dance in the streets
because never again will there be poop on our feet!
One rainy day on my way home from school,
I found a big worm and thought it was cool.
I picked up the worm with my bare hand,
held it up high thinking how grand!
The worm was so cute and wiggled a lot,
I put him in my pocket to show Mom what I'd caught.
What will she say when I show her my find?
Will she let me keep it? I hope she won't mind.
Mom was in the kitchen when I showed her what I'd found.
She screamed, "No, way! Put it back in the ground!"
Now I'm so angry, she always says "No",
If she won't let me keep it, then I will just go!
So me and my worm packed a sandwich or two,
ran out the door and down the street we both flew.
We walked to the park and sat on a bench,
I pulled out my worm and noticed a stench.
He looked kind of floppy, but wiggled a bit,
I thought, "Oh my Gosh, my worm is not fit!"
I laid him in the dirt and let him go free.
I guess that my pocket was not the best place to be.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new friendship make it last.
You and I are friends
You laugh, I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You jump, I jump
You jump off a
bridge, I'm going to
miss you buddy
It takes a friend
to pick you up when you fall,
It takes a good friends
to pick you up and wipe away the tears
It takes a best friend
to laugh in your face
Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out "Cap'! 10 ships approching!" The Captain replied "Get me my red shirt!" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.
Later, a sailor called "Cap'! 20 ships!" "Get me my red shirt!" They did, and they won after he wore it
Later, 50 ships attacked, they got their captain his red shirt, and they won
Then one day a sailor asked "Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?" "If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me" said the captain
Sailor: "Captain! 220000 ships!"
Captain: "What!? Get me my brown pants!"
When you need a friend, text me. When you need a laugh, It's a call away. Need money.... I am not reachable!
I told you that we value experience and that is why you are being given the used company vehicle.
What luck! Even a fortune cookies delivers me a pink slip!
What if there were no search engines? Great question, wait.. let me search it!
I am ready to take the moral responsibility, boss... I've now got a better job!
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years, I'll make sure I'm not there.
I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
The management has decided to increase your responsibility. You'll now prepare a status report on status report on daily basis.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
Life is too short to remove the USB safely.
Police Officer: Do you speak English?
Officer: Where are you from?
How do you know your kitchen is filthy?
The slugs leave trails on the floor that read "Clean me."
On that subject I think we shall call it a day
Hope that you enjoyed them
Please my friends have a great Wednesday whatever you are doing
Breath Easy my friends