Daily Laughter Thursday
Good happy Thursday My friends
Remember tomorrow is P.O.E.T.S. Day
Please Enjoy
Best wishes
Berwick xxx
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Try to explain women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Doing this great deed
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sem Ting."
Englishman, Scotsman and the 3 Cookies
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
What do you call a man who forgets to put his underpants on ?
Nicholas !
What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head ?
Ed-Wood !
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head ?
Baa-Baa-Ra !
What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers ?
Russell !
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ?
Sister Matic !
Why did the man with a pony tail go to see his doctor ?
He was a little hoarse !
What do you call a witch flying through the skies ?
Broom Hilda !
What did the idiot call his pet zebra ?
Spot !
What do you call a fish on the dining table ?
A Plaice Mat !
What do you call a man made from toilet paper ?
Louie !
What do you call a very tidy woman ?
Anita House !
What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ?
Jack-u-la !
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ?
Mack-u-la !
What do you call a vampire Father Christmas ?
Sack-u-la !
What do you call a girl who lives on the same street as a vampire ?
The girl necks door !
What do you call a picture painted by an old master ?
An old masterpiece !
What do you call a horse that eats Indian food ?
Onion Bha-gee-gee !
What do you call a vegetable that tells jokes ?
Jasper Carrot !
What do you call the coldest mammal in the World ?
The Blue Whale !
What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ?
No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
First witch: My, hasn't your little girl grown ?
Second witch: Yes, she's certainly gruesome.
What do you call a top pop group made up of nits ?
The lice girls.
Who was that I saw you with last night ?
It was a girl from school, Teacher.
Didn't have to!
Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said,
'Watch out for worms won't you !'
The first one replied, 'why should I ? They can watch out for themselves.
'What were you before you came to school, girls ?' asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say babies. She was disappointed when all the girls cried out, 'Happy'.
The lice girls.
Teacher: I'd like you to be very quiet today, girls. I've got a dreadful headache.
Mary: Please, Miss ! why don't you do what mum does when she has a headache ?
Teacher: What's that ?
Mary: She sends us out to play !
'I'm very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at morning assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's hymn....now Thank We All Our God.'
How does a blonde kill a fish ?
She drowns it.
Jane: Do you like me ?
Wayne: As girls go, you're fine and the sooner you go the better !
Did you hear about my brother who slept with his head under the pillow?
When he woke up, he discovered the fairies had taken all his teeth!
Did you hear about the idiot who found a feather in his bed?
He thought he had chicken pox?
Did you hear about the man who heard a mouse squeaking one night?
He got up to oil it!
Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
He kept popping out of bed all night!
Did you hear about the man who slept under an old tractor?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.
Did you hear about the parents who called their baby 'Caffeine?'
It kept them awake all night!
Do elephants snore?
Only when they're asleep.
'Doctor, doctor, how can I cure myself of sleepwalking?'
'Put drawing-pins on the bedroom floor.'
'Doctor, doctor, I can't get to sleep at night.'
'Lie on the edge of the bed, then, and you'll soon drop off.'
'Doctor, doctor, I haven't slept for days.'
'Why not?'
"Because I sleep at night!'
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
I don’t mind if you sleep in class, but please do not snore, you are disrupting those who are sleeping.
One day, I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Late for Bible Class
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The Creation of Wives
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
After the Preaching on the Devil
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."
On that subject I think we shall call it a day
Hope that you enjoyed them
Please my friends have a great Thursday whatever you are doing
Breath Easy my friends
Berwick xxxx
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