Daily Laughter Friday
After all you very kind messages I thought that I would put pen to paper and just give you a small taster what has to come.
For my permanent readers, welcome back and you know the rules.
For any new comers please enjoy, strictly no drinking tea/coffee and please have tissues at the ready. You will understand by the time your finished.
Please have a wee chuckle or even a big belly laugh on me.
Many thanks once again
Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.
Q: Did you hear about that new broom? A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.
Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? A: It's dread-full.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman? A: Froze-T
Q: What did the femur say to the patella? A: I kneed you.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A: a yardvark!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom? A: At the BP station!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away? A: A taxi driver.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A: a thesaurus
. Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?" A: "With a bee bee gun."
Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? A: "Where’s Popcorn?"
Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? A: Nobody nose.
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? A: the alpha bet
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner? A: Man, that hit the "spot."
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor? A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country? A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more? A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course!
Q: Which is the building is the largest? A: The library because it has the most stories
. Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad.
Q: What bow can't be tied? A: A rainbow!
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance? A: To a disc-o.
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital? A: To get a tweetment.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What three candies can you find in every school? A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America? A: USB
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a bogey in it.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake? A: He just flipped.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones.
Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? A: It never came out.
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A: A Gummy Bear
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? A: He pasta way.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In snow banks.
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? A: He pulled a muscle
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective? A: He got to the root of every case.
Q: What washes up on very small beaches? A: Microwaves!
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? A: The road!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: What did Delaware? A: a New Jersey Q:
Why did Tony go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn't find a date!
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? A: Hi Cliff!
Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist? A: He took his wife for granite so she left him
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? A: Show me the honey!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator? A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you call a window that raps? A: 2PANEZ
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What has four wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? A: Post Office!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed? A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed? A: To draw the curtains!
Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: What kind of button won't unbutton? A: A bellybutton!
Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? A: Depeche a la Mode.
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog.
Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing!
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on? A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A: Dam!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other? A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours? A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt? A: Dead ends!
Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? A: He got stuck in Orbit.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny? A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist? A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth
. Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail? A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief? A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered c
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other? A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Q: Why did the balloon burst? A: Because is saw a lolly pop
Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler? A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A: A barber.
Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? A: Sherbet
Q: What do you call a dentist in the army? A: A drill sergeant
Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? A: It's the one rated Arrrr!
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? A: Flood lights!
Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs? A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary? A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: He wanted to get to the bottom.
Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? A: I wanna get a head!
Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? A: It was quite an oar deal.
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants? A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato? A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on? A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat? A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A: Sneakers.
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? A: So he could tie the score.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden? A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? A: They got married in the spring.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans
. Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? A: The Space bar!
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass? A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts? A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? A: Jellyfish!
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Crispies! Q
: Why can't a leopard hide? A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Its easier than walking! Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey!
Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? A: It was a vicious cycle.
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum? A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move? A: The temperature!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: What has one horn and gives milk A: A milk truck.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages? A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping? A: They CHARGE!
Q: What runs but can't walk? A: The faucet! Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A: A water bed!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? A: Firecrackers!
Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick? A: The dock
Q: What do you call leftover aliens? A: Extra Terrestrials.
Q: What's taken before you get it? A: Your picture.
Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
Q: What concert costs 45 cents? A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Q: Can February March? A: No. But April May.
Q Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet
. Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist? A: To get a root canal.
Q: Why did the child study in the airplane? A: He wanted a higher education!
Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept!
Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt? A: Runway inflation.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ? A: Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal. A: a cereal killer.
Q: What do you call a crushed angle? A: a rectangle
Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh? A: Because they have their own scales.
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? A: SUPPLIES!
Q: What did the tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise? A: A trum-pet!
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping? A: He woke up.
Q: What the difference between you and a calendar? A: a calendar has dates.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial? A: Because he was koala-fied.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? A: Tentacles.
Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? A: Bridge over troubled water.
Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian? A: He was booed off stage.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand.
: What kind of emotions do noses feel? A: Nostralgia.
Q: How do spiders communicate? A: Through the World Wide Web.
Q: Why are chefs so mean? A: They beat eggs and whip cream.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off? A: He's all right now.
: Did you hear about the paper boy? A: He blew away
Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? A: Arriba McEntire
. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Did you hear about the circus fire? A: Yeah, it was in’tents’.
Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? A: Their making headlines...
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? A: a Vel-Crow. Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument? Fat Kid: The lunch bell
Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? A: She had a make-up exam!
Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested? A: He resisted a rest Q: How does a suit put his child into bed? A: He tux him in
Q: What is a tree's favorite drink? A: Root beer!
Hi Friends Hope you enjoyed the Daily Laughter. I had to do it because I missed you all as well
Breathe Easy My friends