British Lung Foundation
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Retired Husbands

Retired Husbands


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedicss were called.

8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9.. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

11. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out


xx Ros xx

12 Replies

LOL very good thank xx


That's made a nice start to my day ! :)


Very funny! xx


Those were hysterical! Lol


Excellent is4bell4



Thank you is4bell4, very funny. :-) :-) Alison


Very funny .


Great - my sense of humour! wish I'd been in the store to witness some of his escapades- a good giggle makes the world go round..................



Very funny on the surface, but your attention seeking behaviour has penalised and embarrassed your poor wife. You seem rather angry to me. Please don't do any of these things in another store.

Why don't you both split the shopping list and really share this chore?


Uh? Val . . . you teasing?



No I'm not teasing. Schoolboy behaviour is not becoming in a mature male.



I am a female Val . . . it is a joke.

My X husband has long left and I would not go shopping with him anyway. grins.

xx Ros xx

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