Really don't no what to do

Found out last night that a member of my family could gave cancer again after being cancer free for about 10 yrs he had bowel cancer now it looks like it as returned but cud also be in is bladder Ian so confused at the moment as I've not spoken to this family member for quiet a few years because of something really bad that I really don't want to go into since I gave up smoking I feel as thou I have Been tested so many times and this is the biggest rest of them all

30 Replies

  • It is a big test and quite a quandary. If I were you I might opt to write a note or letter offering the family member support. And then the ball is clearly in their court whether they want contact with you. I was not speaking to my father and found out he was dying from cancer - the circumstances were dreadful - so I wrote him a letter and left it with him to contact me if he wanted. He didn't make contact with me but at least I have no guilt - I offered him support it was his decision not to take it.

    I am sorry there is not easy answer, do what you think is best. Take good care and look after yourself. TAD xx

  • Thankyou tadaw the family member iam on about is my father I no he wants contact with me before been advised by my councellor to give myself a couple of weeks to to decide I no I sound selfish but seeing him at this moment will affect me badly but at the same time knowing he could have cancer again is making me feel really guilty I am so sorry that your father didn't get back in contact with you thankyou for your comment xx

  • Hi Pamela,

    Do not for one minute think you are being selfish as only you know the reasons why you have no contact with family member. I agree with your Counsellor about taking couple of weeks out to think about this. Similar to Tadaw, my Father died with cancer and we had not spoken for many years. My Mum bless her thrives on drama and she had a fall out with my sister and as my sister had done nothing wrong I felt they were being unfair and told them so. Resulted in them cutting me out and my sister, for 15 years. My Aunt phoned me to tell me Dad was dying with cancer and what hospital he was in. I phoned hospital and told Nurse who I was and she returned and said he did not want to speak to me. I followed it up with another call straight away and said I was his wife and could tell Nurse knew it was me again but she gave him phone and I spoke to him. He said Mum would go mad if she knew he talked to me. Sadly even at the end, he learnt nothing so please do not call yourself selfish as another persons actions are beyond your control. I told my sister that Dad said on the phone that he was sorry and that he loved us. He didn't, but no need for her to know that. We are now reconciled with Mum and I can see that she carries a lot of guilt over this needless waste of years of not seeing each other and seeing my children grow up.

    You do what is right for you Pamela and being selfish does not come into it. I am sure your close family and friends will be the first to confirm that to you. You say a family member informed you of your Dad's illness. Could you convey to them that they pass on your wishes for recovery to him? Either way its your call and don't beat yourself up about it. Am I a selfish person for saying/thinking like that? Absolutely not.

    Hats off to you Pamela for keeping of the ciggies amidst all this xx

  • Difficult situation Pamela. I agree with Tad's wise words - whichever way it goes you will have nothing to reproach yourself for.

    love cx

  • Thankyou cofdrop that means alot xx

  • Sorry to here you are in a quandary,so difficult when you receive bad news to not light up. Relax have a cuppa and think about your crisis carefully, it has to be your decision. I would myself probably send a card/note with good wishes opening up a chance to help and reconcile past nastiness, the bible says it is good to forgive.This could be the only opportunity you get to mend the rift, but it must be your choice and they may not reply so you must accept that to be their decision. Hope you can reach a conclusion that pleases everyone but most of all you, take care and best wishes

  • Hi katieoxo60 thankyou for your comment I've had quite a few cups of tea and had a good think about things and still can't decide what to do for the best I no I probably sound like a very selfish person believe me iam not that's why this is very hard for me I'll keep reading the quite from the Bible you wrote thankyou for taking the time to replie xx

  • Don't lose the 3.5 months you have managed so far. There will always be testing times. Hold firm, send a card and stay strong. You CAN do it. xx

  • Hi toci I've managed to get through the day without having the poison :) think it's just what my body is,used to now in times of crisis think I have chewed myself through 4 packets of sugar free chewing gum today :) thankyou for your comment xx

  • Well done you! Another day closer to LIFE. xx

  • Thankyou toci xx

  • Yes stay strong,you have done so well,good on you.

    I do think Tads advice is great,then you will have no guilty feelings,which you certainly don't need.

    Good luck with it all,

    Love Wendells xxx

  • Hi wendells thankyou for your replie I also agree with you tad,advice is great going think I just need to stop feeling guilty now amd hopefully find the strength to decided what is best here's to another fag free day :) xxx

  • You have no need to feel guilty.

    Personally speaking, I wouldn't request a meeting. I might send a note wishing him well but that's all. I'm not a selfish person either, far from it. A parent has responsibilities to respect, protect and honor their child. If that's been broken then you can hold your head high, forgive & let go. That can be done in your heart, you dont need to see someone to do that and it can be quite liberating. All the best to you.

    Please dont feel guilty, why should you suffer any more. xxxx (as I mentioned, personaly speaking. xx P

  • Thankyou peeg your comment means alot I must have read it 4 times think I have made my decision now there part where you said a parent as responsibility to there child don't think he ever took that seriously glad I didn't take after him my eldest is 30 and my youngest is 25 they mean the world to me sorry for going on with myself peeg a big thankyou again xxx

  • hi Pamela, hope you're doing alright. Dont you worry about going on about your self. Like you, we've some big hearts here :D

  • Thankyou sorry in the delaying in writing back we went on holiday on Saturday to Yorkshire and the site we are on only gives you 15 minutes internet so I have Been struggling to replie back so ended up paying 16 pounds for 4 days internet but so worth so I can replie back :) I've still kept of the cigs thankyou for writing back xxxx

  • Please stay off the fags. You have the rest of your life to live. My mother has missed out on my children growing up because I dared to divorce my pig of a husband who had madeour lives a misery. I send her little photos of my granddaughter but she very rarely responds. That is her problem, I do not feel guilty and i am not selfish - I do, however, wish to live without constant carping criticism. You are not selfish. I would send a card with best wishes and current telephone/address. That way you have an opening for him that is just wide enough. That is only my opinion. If there is no reply you should feel no regrets. Good luck and love, Alison

  • Hi appyalision thankyou for your replie iam so sorry to hear your situation me as a mother could never disown any of my children no what I think the way I was brought up taught me a big lesson to make sure I never bring my children the same way to protect them no matter what xx as for the fags they still haven't beat me and that's all to do with the support I get of you lovely people thankyou :) xxx

  • Hi Pamela, even as a child I knew I did not want to be like my mother. My youngest child has caused terrible pain and anguish over the years but she has never been turned away. I do not like a lot of what she has done/said over the years but she knows I still love her. I am bringing up her daughter as the so called father was extremely violent. Daughter got rid of him but then completely fell apart. Because I always kept the channels open I helped her from the start and she has always said Chloe would always be loved and cared for if i had her. It was really difficult bringing p a baby when working full time but at least my wayward daughter knew she had never been turned away. I always told my kids I would be there if they needed me. Luckily my other two are fine. In fact they help me with Chloe. Life is very strange. We don't pick our parents but I would have chosen my dad. I wanted my Aunt Alice to be my mum. I really loved her because she cared about me.

    You are doing a fantastic job - keep it up. Xxxx Alison

  • Hi Alison so sorry Iam only just messaging back I've been trying since Sunday but for some strange reason it's not uploading so here goes going to try and send this one if it sends then I'll replete to you properly :)x

  • Yay it's let me upload it I just wanted to say a big thankyou for messaging me back my mum died when I was quiet young so don't raelly no what sort of person she was like I like to think she was a good mum having 2 bad parents would be really bad luck if life as taught me anything it was to not bring me children up like I was dragged up I to love all my children very much my youngest daugther who to was in a nasty relationship she had my to eldest grandchildren while living at home and I would never turn my back on any of my children just like you my daughter as turned her life around after being in an horrible relationship and is the best mum ever hopefully cloe mum mum will realise what a good mum she as sorry for going on with myself and I hope you understand what I have written take care xxxx

  • Thank you very much Pamela. I have always thought, when it comes to the kids, you have to follow your heart. That is something you have also done. Well done us for doing our best. Well done you for keeping strong with the ciggies. Keep going. :-) :-) Alison

  • I think Tad gave you some sound advice. When it comes down to it only you can decide. You will probably know the right decision in your heart. We don't know what caused the split beween you so therefore it may be there is just too much water in the bridge for you to contact him. I just thank the Lord for the wonderful parents I had and that I was able to be with them in their hour of need. I wish you all the very best with your decision. M

  • Hi mocarey tad did give NE some good advice just like everyone else Ian going to do what councellor suggested and give myself a couple of weeks to to have a good think and even after the 2 weeks I no I will still be confused Iam glad you had good parents thankyou for commenting back xxx

  • Glad to hear you did very well and did not succumb to a cigarette in your testing time pamela67, well done

  • Hi Katie no still not giving in to the ciggys :) xx

  • A few more days smoke free, that's the idea one day at a time. Hope you are coping with your family problems and there has been no further bad news. Well done and every best wish will be thinking of you xx

  • Thinking about you Pamela and hope you are keeping strong. :) xx

  • Thankyou toci and still ciggy free :) xx

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