Daily Laughter Friday

Daily Laughter Friday

It's Friday, It's POETS Day, It's the day your weekend starts

and remember you don't start back to work till Tuesday Have a great Sunny and smashing weekend.

Berwick xxx

Old Mother Hubbard Nursery Rhyme

Old Mother Hubbard Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, so the poor dog had none.

has been changed to read:

A geriatric person of female gender proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified deceased specimen to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated mammal, Canis familiaris, of the family Canidae. Upon arrival at her destination, she found the storage compartment in denuded condition, with the consequence that the indigent carnivore was deprived of the intended donation.

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was

concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any

attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then

told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and

until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to

hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward

he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five

thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a

large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.

'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from

Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their

20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder,

she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly,

'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old

man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.

'SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!??

Jack Sprat Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; And so, between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean.

has been changed to read:

Complications arose during a non-congressional investigation of dietary influence. One person of the male gender was unable to assimilate adipose tissue, and another person, of the female gender, was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. A reciprocal arrangement between the two, who also happened to be a party of a domesticated alliance, allowed for the total consumption of the viands under consideration, which was unltimately achieved, thus, leaving the original container of the viands devoid of any contents.

This Would Make Me Feel Better

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

Nice to Meet You?

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.—

Little Jack Horner Nursery Rhyme

Little Jack Horner Nursery Rhyme

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:

Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said, "What a good boy am I!"

has been changed to read:

A young person of the male persuasion was situated near the intersection of two supporting elements at right angles to each other. Said person was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual celebration of an annual religious event. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drop of genus Prunus. Immediately thereafter, this person made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male.

:

Funny poems and other stuff for kids

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Dessert Island

I suspect that being shipwrecked

Would not be as bad as it seems

If I could crash on the dessert Island

That has haunted me in my dreams

In my pudding bowl boat I stay afloat

Paddling with my silver spoon

Until waves of syrup carry me over

Tumbling into a blueberry lagoon

Oh wondrous Isle!

Brimming with sweetness

Cherry-topped hills

Of ice creamy greatness

Brown sugar beaches

And candy cane trees

Filled with Jelly fishes

And apple crumble bumble bees

But until I discover this island that hovers

In the thought bubble above of my head

I'll go to the kitchen and make it my mission

To create a real dessert island instead.

We all know how literally impossible it is to not offend SOMEONE these days, everyone is just SO BLOODY TOUCHY.

So this guide will help you on how to speak about the opposite sex in a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE

DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL

RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL

INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

Politically Correct Schools

No one fails a class anymore…

They are merely “passing impaired.”

You don’t have detention…

You’re just “exit delayed.”

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered…

It’s just “passive restrictive.”

Students aren’t lazy…

They are “energetically declined.”

Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk…

It’s just “closure prohibitive.”

Kids don’t get grounded anymore…

They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

Your homework isn’t missing…

It’s having an “out-of-notebook experience.

You’re not sleeping in class…

You’re “rationing consciousness.”

You’re not late…

You just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

You’re not having a “bad hair day”…

You’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

You don’t have smelly gym socks…

You have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

You’re not shy…

You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot…

You’re “abundantly verbal.”

It’s not called “gossip” anymore…

It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful…

It’s “digestively challenged.”

You’re not being sent to the principal’s office…

You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”.

Stairway to Heaven

A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”

I have Contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”.

Woman Jokes - One Liners

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes,

dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

'I never know how much of what I say is true.'

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.'

Some Marriage Math(s):

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

.

Now we have a nursery rhyme about the little red hen. But not the old-fashioned version. Here’s the modernized version the President reads to his kids.

=====================================================

“Who will help me plant my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“Not I,” said the cow.

“Not I,” said the duck.

“Not I,” said the pig.

“Not I,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself.” She planted her crop and the wheat grew and ripened.

“Who will help me reap my wheat?” asked the little red hen.

“I’m on disability,” said the duck.

“Out of my classification,” said the pig.

“I’d lose my seniority,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my unemployment compensation,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did.

“Who will help me bake the bread?” asked the little red hen.

“That would be overtime for me,” said the cow.

“I’d lose my welfare benefits,” said the duck.

“I’m a dropout and never learned how,” said the pig.

“If I’m to be the only helper, that’s discrimination,” said the goose.

“Then I will do it by myself,” said the little red hen, and so she did.

The smell of fresh-baked bread attracted all her neighbors. They saw the bread and wanted some. In fact, they demanded a share.

But the little red hen said, “No, I shall eat all the loaves.”

“Excess profits!” cried the cow.

“Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck.

“I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose.

“Share with the 99 percent,” grunted the pig.

And they all painted ‘Unfair!’ picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer came He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.”

“But I earned the bread,” said the little red hen.

“Exactly,” said the farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are idle.”

And they all lived happily ever after.

I think you have enough here to keep you going the whole weekend

whatever you do stay safe have a great Bank holiday and most importantly

See you all on Monday (PS I dont have BankHolidays anymore)

Breathe Easy my friends

Berwick xxxx

9 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Thanks for the laughter. I have to work, so no Bank Holidays for me. :)

  • Thank you berwick. Enjoy the weekend. :-) Alison

  • Same to you Alison, I have my daughter and 3 grand children coming up from Penzance for the week. Berwick. xxxxx

  • You'll be fabulously busy. Have a lovely granddad weekend. :-) :-) Alison

  • “rebellious follicle syndrome.” Describes my hair well this morning! x

  • Thank you Berwick for this weeks laughs, have a good weekend. All our family with us this weekend.

    Lib x

  • Same to yourself lib hope you have a chill out weekend graeme xxxx

  • Definetely take the weekend to read them all lol! Love what I read so far.Have a great weekend with your family xxx

  • Thanks Wendells Just thought I would give you a bit extra incase it rains. have a good one see you on Monday berwick xxx

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