Daily Laughter Monday
Welcome to Mondays daily Laughter. It's full of little giggles and smirks and you might get a big belly laugh which ever you prefer it is here just for you.
I had a great weekend with my grand daughter and her boy friend. They travelled from London to Cardiff by National Express. My grand daughter phoned me from Newport and said Grand dad the driver has stopped at Newport and has said that his hours were up and could not drive any further what should I do she said only being 16 years old and I said no problem pet get the next bus to Cardiff and I will pick you both up. When you pass the bus driver just say to him my granddad say if you had many brains you would be dangerous and thank goodness you stopped at Newport otherwise we may have crashed.
My grand daughter not being me decided just to get the next bus and say nothing. Not like her granddad who would give him chapter and verse then go to National Express and tell them what I though knowing full well that the driver could not finish the journey.
Would I let a little cretin like that stop a good weekend
Never we had a great weekend.
So the moral of the story is quite simple read, enjoy and be merry and have a Great Monday.
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…
Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”…
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.…
I was very scared about going to the eye doctor to get a certain procedure done on my eyes. The doctor tried to put me at ease but to no avail. It was after he finished with my first eye that I nearly jumped out of the chair. “There there”, he said “only one eye left!”…
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned. “What happened?” asked the doctor. “Well”, the man explained, “my wife was ironing clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV. She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.” “Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?” “Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another countr
• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tied; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
John gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ” “How cute” exclaimed the sales lady, ”sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”…
The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. ”Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” ”Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”…
Late Night Lecture
An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.
What's Your Name, Again?
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Hard of Hearing
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart mummer and be careful."
Quotes from Actual Insurance Claims
• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the bathroom to get my teeth," he replied.
A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.
The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.
"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"
Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, “congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.” “But sir”, said Harry, “a little bit confused, I’m not getting married until tomorrow!” “Yeah, I know”, said his boss.…
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Hard of Hearing
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
The Case of the Missing Cookies
I'm taking my parents to court
to prove I'm an innocent kid.
The judge will most surely agree
that they're wrong about what I did.
Just because all my fingers were sticky
and chocolate was on my face,
doesn't mean I stole those cookies.
So there! I rest my case.
What's that you say, you need more proof?
I have an alibi.
When the cookies got stolen, I was outside.
Now I ask you, why would I lie?
You have no witnesses on your side;
just circumstantial lies.
I think the real crook snuck inside
in a masterful disguise.
Maybe he was disguised as me.
I really cannot say.
All I know is I did not
steal any cookies that day.
Now judge, I ask for sympathy,
so please instruct the jury
to say that I'm not guilty
(and to say it in a hurry!)
My folks are looking quite annoyed
that I've taken things this far.
But it's not as if they caught me
with my hands in the cookie jar.
The jury's back, the verdict's in.
Guilty?! That can't be!
I gathered all the evidence
that should have set me free.
Where did I go wrong, and now
what will my sentence be?
Three years of washing dishes, no!
No way! They can't mean me!
The next time I take my parents to court
(though I doubt it will be in my youth)
I'll make sure that what I'm saying
is actually the truth.
Thats it for Monday my friends
Hope that you had a great weekend as I did.
Breathe Easy my friends