Daily Laughter Monday
Hope you all had a great weekend
I am just about to spoil it
A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door..........
Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night.
The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
"Jack, did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him.
I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important. Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.
As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.
Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. every picture, every piece of furniture. Jack stopped suddenly...
"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said. "What box?"
Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,' Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day, Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package.
The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.
Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shookas he read the note inside...... "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart raced as tears filled his eyes. Jack carefully unlocked the box There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser." The thing he valued most was.....my time.
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant, asked.
"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!"
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
2. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
3. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
4. You mean the world to someone.
5. If not for you, someone may not be living.
6. You are special and unique.
7. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait for 'His time', sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
9. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
10.. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks
12 .. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know, and you'll both be happy.
13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that you think they are great.
Now send this on to all the people you care about. If you do, you will certainly brighten someone's day and just might change their perspective on life.....for the better.
To those I sent this to, thanks for your time!
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES!
That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
THE TOP 10
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: 'Occupation?'
The German replies: 'No, just a holiday.'
Run chicken run.
The farmers got the gun
The wife has the oven hot
And your the one.
So run and run
So you don’t get served with a bun.
You and I are friends
You laugh, I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You jump, I jump
You jump off a
bridge, I'm going to
miss you buddy
3) Birdy Poop
In the sky,
What you doing in my eye,
It tastes like sugar,
It feels Like soup,
Oh My God,
Its birdy p0op.
4) Roses are Red
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Most poems rhyme...
but this one doesn't!!!
5) I am a DOG
I am a DOG
And you are a FLOWER
I lift my LEG UP
And give you a SHOWER
6) Its Halloween Night
Its halloween night
All kids with fright
Me in my costume
All kids assume
All kids were scared of me
Me dressed as a teacher with glee
By Morgan Pookie
7) Tinkle Tinkle Little Car
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don't want you any mo'.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
8) Excuse Me Miss
Sam asked a question of his teacher
He asked it of the stern Miss Meacher
You wouldn’t punish me, would you?
For something that I did not do
Of course not boy, answered Miss
Spitting the reply out with a hiss
That’s a relief he began to explain
As I didn't do my homework
. What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!
2. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!
3. What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!
4. What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.
5. What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
6. What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
7. If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped
8. What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
9. What is tiger's favorite food?
A: Baked beings!
10. How does a tiger greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining
She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me....nobody cares for me... the whole world hates me!"
Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That's not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don't even know you."
2. If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
3. A man will pay £10 for a £5 item he needs.
A woman will pay £5 for a £10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
4. A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel.
The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
5. A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
Daddy's on a diet,
Taking care with what he eats.
So I guess I should keep quiet,
That I saw him wolfing sweets!
Daddy's on a diet,
And for me it's turned out well!
As I've joined the secret feasting,
To ensure that I won't tell!
2. I'm scoffing lots of chocolate cake,
But not quite as much as I'd like!
I'm wolfing it down with a whirl of my spoon,
and it's flinging up, down, left and right!
3. In the morning when I get up,
There's this feeling in my head.
Like fuzzy little monsters
Still left over from my bed.
They grunt and growl and sneer,
And rattle all around.
Then they clamber out my ears,
Back to bed, safe and sound.
4. I'm excellent, fabulous, great as can be!
Astoundingly splendid. Yes, seriously!
I'm wickedly wondrous to such a degree,
That I'm out of this world. I can see you agree!
Breathtakingly super, a sure guarantee,
There's no one as peachy or first class as me!
Phenomenal homework comes most easily,
So why is last week's marked in red with an 'E'?
5. There once was a witch on a broom,
Who flew by the light of the moon.
But she took a wrong turn,
Just outside Bern,
And missed Halloween, the buffoon!
6. There once was a man from the moon,
Who dusted the sky with a broom.
He cleaned it at night,
To keep the lights bright,
And scooped out new stars with a spoon!
7. My robot must rate as my favorite toy,
A wonderful, whirring, mechanical joy.
My robot can talk, but he'd much rather sing,
Or go to the park and play on the swings
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortuneteller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kick-ball during recess.
I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables & simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.
I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality. I want to be six again.
I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I don't know the concept of death. I want to be oblivious to the complications of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.
I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.
I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.
I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees & riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.
I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things..........
I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
I think that will do for today
I don't want to stress you out too much
Have a real good day and
Breath Easy My Friends