Daily Laughter Friday
Good Morning Friday People
Hope you have a great P.O.E.T.S. DAY
Hope you enjoy Fridays selection and
Have a Fantastic sunny weekend See you on Monday
TEACHER: What are you writing?
PUPIL: A letter to myself.
TEACHER: What does it say?
PUPIL: I don't know. I won't get it till tomorrow.
TEACHER: Where is your pencil, Harmon?
PUPIL: I ain't got none.
TEACHER: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harmon? Now listen: I do not have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. They do not have a pencil. Now, do you understand?
PUPIL: Not really. What happened to all the pencils?
TEACHER: Want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
PUPIL: No, thanks, I'm sure it has no point.
TEACHER: Why do they say the pen is mightier than the sword?
PUPIL: Because no one has yet invented a ballpoint sword.
TEACHER: Dorothy, what did you write your report on?
PUPIL: A piece of paper.
Fred did a report about the phone book.
He wrote: "This book hasn't got much of a plot, but boy, what a cast!"
Mrs. Johnson asked the class to write a composition about what they would do if they had a million dollars. Everyone except Fannie began to write. Fannie twiddled her thumbs and looked out the window.
When Mrs. Johnson collected the papers, Fannie's sheet was blank. "Fannie," said Mrs. Johnson, "everyone has written two pages or more, but you've done nothing. Why is that?"
"Nothing is what I'd do," replied Fannie, "if I had a million dollars."
TEACHER : Fred, your ideas are like diamonds.
FRED: You mean they're so valuable?
TEACHER: No, I mean they're so rare.
TEACHER: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
FRED: Of course. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Your poem is the worst in the class. It's not only ungrammatical, it's rude and in bad taste. I'm going to send your father a note about it.
PUPIL: I don't think that would help, teacher. He wrote it.
Our school is a good school,
It's made of bricks and plaster,
The only thing that's wrong with it,
Is the bald headmaster.
He laughed when they said it couldn't be done,
He smiled and said he knew it,
But he tried the thing that couldn't be done,
And found he couldn't do it.
Poor old teacher, we missed you so,
When in hospital you had to go.
For you to remain there is a sin,
We're sorry about the banana skin.
There was a young caretaker named Frank,
Who kept all his beer in the school tank.
One day it was locked,
And he was so shocked,
Because without his pint he'd go blank.
When things get twisted and out of joint,
Don't get discouraged and quit the game,
Remember a corkscrew never goes straight to the point,
But it gets there just the same.
The joke you just told isn't funny one bit,
It's pointless and dull, wholly lacking in wit.
It's so old and so stale it's beginning to smell
And besides, it's the one I was going to tell.
Mary had a little bear,
To which she was so kind,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She had a bear behind.
Don't worry if your job is small,
And your rewards are few.
Remember that the mighty oak,
Was once a nut like you.
There was a young teacher of Rheims,
Who had the most frightening dreams.
She would wake in the night,
In a terrible fright,
Shaking the house with her screams.
I wish I was a little grub,
With whiskers round my tummy.
I'd climb into a honey pot
And make my tummy gummy.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill said; `You twit! Now I'll have to fill the bucket up again!'
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the wife of a Sultan is called ?
Pupil: A sultana !
Teacher: Where are elephants found ?
Pupil: I don't know, they are so big I didn't think they could get lost !
Teacher: If you add 34,312 + 76,188, divide the answer by 3 and times by 4, what do you get ?
Pupil: The wrong answer !
Teacher: If there are seven flies a desk and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left ?
Pupil: Just the squashed one !
Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !
Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Why do you say that ?
Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most dense !
Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ?
Teacher: What have you read then ?
Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !
Teacher: In music, if "f" means "forte", what does "ff" mean ?
Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks?
Pupil: What does it spell then !
Pupil: Do hams grow on plants ?
Teacher: No, it's a meat
Pupil: So what's an ambush then !
my feelings 4 u
no words can tell
except 4 maybe
“go 2 hell”
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
Can you sing? Not a thing!
Can you dance? Not a chance!
Can you play? Me, no way!
Can you eat and drink? All day!
Tilly the fat cat
Loves a tasty mouse.
But when she sees a rat
She runs back into the house.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Emily went to the zoo
And she saw a kangaroo.
“Look, a pocket on her tummy!
Can’t you get one for me, mommy?”
I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
5 Items of Advice for Women
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
3 Types of Men
Q. What are the 3 types of men?
A. The handsome, the caring, and the majority!
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q. Why do men break wind more that women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and you wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
Q. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
A. It's called a wedding cake.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
What I want in a Man
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 34)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 44)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 54)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 64)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 74)
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Lab Report and Cat Scan
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“£150!” she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have only been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”
Thats all my friends
Have a nice P.O.E.T.S. Day
Have a fantastic weekend
don't do anything that I would not do
(That gives you plenty of scope. LOL)
Breathe Easy my friends
he Easy my friend
and have a great day