A difficult day

Some of you may know my mum has end stage COPD, we nearly lost her a few weeks ago. She has deteriorated quite rapidly and now can't do anything at all without desperately struggling to breathe. She is now receiving palliative care at home, she has made the decision that she no longer wants to go into hospital.

I have had to move in to care for her now ( fortunately my daughter is 23 and still lives at my home ). I have a mattress on the floor in my mums bedroom, she wakes 2 or 3 times a night needing ventolin nebuliser and morphine.

She has made her wishes clear about hospital and no resuscitation etc., and today she was planning her funeral.

I arranged for the vicar to come today, who was lovely. My mum wants to be buried in the same grave as my brother and her parents, so he is finding out how deep the grave actually is.

She has sorted out hymns for her service, she wants crying in the chapel by Elvis on our way into church.

The vicar read a couple of things from the bible as suggestions to include in the service. At this point, my composure went and I couldn't stop my tears.

I try so hard to hold it together when I am with her, which is almost constantly, as I don't want to upset her.

Today has been one of the most difficult days I can remember.

God knows what it must be like for her.

26 Replies

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  • I know it's hard but be strong for your mum.

  • What a lovely daughter you are it made me think of my daughter who will be in the same position as you and i wonder how she will cope .you take care hugs and kisses Dorothy xx

  • You truly are a Gem.

    KOTC

  • Thank you Puff and Newlands, it is hard, but I'm determined she has the death she wants. In some ways we are lucky in the fact, we know she's dying and we can cherish every minute. In getting the plans made now, makes it one less thing to organise when she's gone, and it will be the service and music of her choice, not ours. It's still bloody hard though

    Val x

  • Aww thanks RIchard, your humour cheers me up anyway x

  • Thanks for sharing this,,,it made me cry and I am sure your mother must be so proud of you. Probably why she is doing her best to organise things how she wants them.

    My mother in law died recently and she was my best friend up until her getting dementia. Having already had her last wishes in writing from her, made a very difficult task a lot easier when it came to organising her funeral.

    Will be thinking of you and your mum

    Andrea

  • Bless you Pop pin, it's a lovely thing you're doing, being with your mum at the end of her life. Really tough and so emotional. You've reminded me of losing our mum exactly 3 years ago - she chose to go out to the 1812 overture!

    Thinking of you xxxxx let us help you through it. peeg

  • Poppin, you have my total respect, you have been a tower of strength for your Mum & I,m sure she is feeling very proud to have such a kind & thoughtful daughter, I,m sure your Mum,s mind is a peace now knowing all her wishes have been met & God Bless you both

    Karen

    xxxxx

  • Popin, you have been so strong and borne an enormous load for quite a while now. As mum nears the end you can expect a few tears. You are making mum's final passing as pleasant for her as possible. Everything will be as she would have wanted it and that is a wonderful thing. I know that mum is proud of you, I certainly am.

    All my love

    Bobby xxxx

  • Oh Poppin, your Mum will understand how difficult this whole thing has been for you and she will expect you to be tearful from time to time, this is part of the saying good bye process. I know your Mum will be so thankful for all you do to help her at this time and its so special that she has such a special daughter as you to support her through her process of preparing to say good bye. I think you should share with your Mum at little of what you have been holding back, I am sure she also has been holding back some too, I don't think it will do any harm for you or you Mum to have small little sharing sessions, with hugs and tears, it might even do a lot of good. You have been a great strength and support for your Mum I feel sure she would like to be a great strength and support for you too at this special time you both share so closely together.

    I am sending you and your Mum loads of love and special thoughts.

    All good wishes BC xox

  • Hello Poppin, ((( hugs ))) I realy feel for you, you are being a tower of strength for your beloved Mum, she is truly Blessed to have you by her side as she comes to the end of her journey.I know you will find comfort and peace of mind knowing you have been the loving daughter your Mum needs now and throughout your lives together, I remember having to sleep on a little mattress in my Dads kitchen ( so I could have a window open ), the love we share with them in this world lasts forever,it keeps us strong as we carry on our own journeys, praying for you and your Mum, Carol xxx

  • Poppin, you are a very brave lady and I admire you but am also so sorry about your mum. I wish you every ounce of strength over the next few weeks. I hope neither of you suffer too long.........Adrian

  • Everything I would like to say poppin has already been said, love, hugs, peace and calm to you and mum, your a very special lady x x x.

  • And as huffer says, the love will never die. X x x x

  • Poppin,your Mum was gifted with an incredibly special daughter,I feel very proud of you.

    I think most things have been said,it will be hard for you,but at least Mum has organized what she wants,so that makes it a tad easier.

    My thoughts & love go out to you both,

    Wendells xxxx

  • Poppin, it must be so hard for you but it is truly a wonderful thing you are doing for your mum. You are giving your mum the most wonderful gift. She must know she did a lot right to have such a loving daughter and will be comforted by that. Love to you both. Alison

  • Poppin, I can only repeat what everyone else has said. Your mum will know what love is and appreciate your strength so much. Kind thoughts and love to both of you. xx

  • What a hard time for you both but your mother is so lucky to have you there to help. Cherish the time left and use it to tell her the things you have always wanted to tell her, ask her the things you have always wanted to ask. I look back and wish I had done that with my mother.

    Lynne xx

  • My Mother died in March and also said that she didn't want treatment her GP was brilliant and sent in the District nurse and the Macmillan nurse and we took turns my sisters brother and I staying with her.Within a few days she died without pain and had been joking with my sister only half an hour before.Mum had arranged and paid for her funeral 7 years ago and was to be buried with my son.The funeral was beautiful and I am sure that she would have approved.It is a great comfort to us knowing that everything we did was what she had wished for as I am sure that it will be for you too.

    My Mother was my best friend and I really miss her but she was dearly loved by many and had a good life.

    You are doing all you can for your Mother and it will be a consolation in future that you did what she wanted .My Mother even asked for the flowers on her coffin to be a replica of her wedding boquet.

    Thinking of you Gail

  • Dear Poppin

    Stay strong sweetheart. I truly empathise - It is so hard, but what a privilege to be there for your very special Mum. Love and strength to you both and to your family.

    With love

    cx

  • So sad for you. And your Mum will know how upset you are anyway whether you cry or lose it in front of her or not. At least you have time to talk about your memories and show gratitude and love for your Mum ... a time of sincere gifts to one another is available to you. Thinking of you. x

  • Can I echo all that has been said and God bless to your family Richard.

  • Hi poppin A lovely caring Angel comes to mind when I read your post and the heart felt replies are so nice, Thinking off you and your mother, Be Strong, Matt

  • WOW, I am overwhelmed by all your comments, thank you all so much, your support is so comforting.

    My mum is my best friend and I will miss her desperately.

    When we knew how ill she was, she originally said she wanted to die in hospital, only for her to later say that this would make it easier for us. She really wanted to die at home so I told her then it would be an honour and privellage for me to care for her until the end.

    I am determined to help her have the death she wants.

    Thank you again

    Val

  • And she is truly blessed to have such a wonderful person with her. Those of us that have family are so lucky.

    Kim xxxx

  • One lovely lady caring for another. Thinking of you. xx

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