Some of you may know my mum has end stage COPD, we nearly lost her a few weeks ago. She has deteriorated quite rapidly and now can't do anything at all without desperately struggling to breathe. She is now receiving palliative care at home, she has made the decision that she no longer wants to go into hospital.
I have had to move in to care for her now ( fortunately my daughter is 23 and still lives at my home ). I have a mattress on the floor in my mums bedroom, she wakes 2 or 3 times a night needing ventolin nebuliser and morphine.
She has made her wishes clear about hospital and no resuscitation etc., and today she was planning her funeral.
I arranged for the vicar to come today, who was lovely. My mum wants to be buried in the same grave as my brother and her parents, so he is finding out how deep the grave actually is.
She has sorted out hymns for her service, she wants crying in the chapel by Elvis on our way into church.
The vicar read a couple of things from the bible as suggestions to include in the service. At this point, my composure went and I couldn't stop my tears.
I try so hard to hold it together when I am with her, which is almost constantly, as I don't want to upset her.
Today has been one of the most difficult days I can remember.
God knows what it must be like for her.