Losing it

I hope everyone is coping well. Humid here today. I have been spending last couple of days reading through previous blogs and trying to get myself used to the site. Day 5 of 7 day course of steroid pills and feeling wee bit better. Not how I was 4 weeks ago though. Still need to concentrate on breathing. On Tuesday I managed to get to bed, poor Chris, and slept for 13 hours!!! Can you believe that???? That was due to only cat napping on sofa for 2 hours at a time on sofa for last 2 weeks. Still getting my head round this and trying to get it all into context. Must admit in last 4 weeks since being diagnosed, I have let myself go. In sense of, been off work sick, staying at home trying to breath, telling family of diagnosis........ that was hard. Decided not to return to work, long story, and spoken to boss and they have been really supportive. Put in one months notice. Googled COPD like mad and only site that is the best is BLF and you wonderful people. Sounds cliché..... not meant to be. Also in these last 4 weeks.............. found out I am going to be a Grandma. Always wanted grandchildren. Oldest son told us last week that they are expecting a baby March 2014. Thrilled to tender bits!!!! Spending time with Natalie (my daughter) last weekend on mother and daughter weekend. We are so close ( all of us are ) and had a great time. At times giggling like schoolchildren. I remember years ago asking my children............ what have I taught/given you? They always replied............... you make us jump puddles Mum and see the rainbow. I want them to see them now. Today I put on make up, I usually always do because I go to work but of course due to being off sick........... let myself go. Craig, my youngest who is 24............... I have 3 children Stephen 31, Natalie 29 and Craig 24. I remember we got a cat because Craig hated being youngest and big age gap. *smiles*. Anyway, Craig came home after work this evening and I was 'made up with make up' and purposely all geed up. He isn't fooled. Wrapped his arms round me over the spag bol and said....... I love you Mum and we will do this together. See, 12 years ago, His Dad, my husband Stephen had accident and suffered brain injury. Lost his |Dad and house and I fought. Oh I am so sorry. I am really losing it. Made mistake of having a wine................. well 3 glasses so far tonight............... and getting too sentimental. Feel I have let everyone down

30 Replies

  • Hiya Twinks. You can get sentimental on here because you are among friends. We have all been down the same path so we know where you are. There are some things that you can't/won't tell the family about. That is why we are here. You can sound off, swear about life or just blub. We will understand. If you have started to put the make-up on you are getting it together so just go on from there.

    Love from Bobby xxx

  • Awe Bobby. Thank you so much for replying............. I thought I blew it. Whinging I mean. I remember when my life was at the lowest point. Losing my house after husband accident. Would sit in garden in Romsey Hanpshire after seeing Solicitor and thinking............ please help me. Husband had to relive his live again after accident. He decided to live with parents in North Wales............. we live in Southampton. Only thing I asked was that he told the children. Remember seeing solicitor it was Christmas time and craig and I walked past Boot. Man grabbed me and said...... 'Awe wee Marie, you helped me' Turns out he lived in hostel and helped him. Said he now has house and a life. There was a place in Romsey and I call it my secret garden that I loved going to. When marriage was over............ I asked for help and to cut long tory short.............. they gave me housing............... guess where? Overlooking my secret garden!!!! Craig used to always say to me............. stop teasing yourself Mum. But I was determined to get that house. A year later, I met my wonderful Chris. I've hogged this haven't I? Wouldn't it be nice to sit here with all you faculties and write but right now I couldn't give a monkies if truth be told.

  • Hi twinks, no, you are not losing it and you have not let yourself go. You are allowing yourself to recover. You are drawing breath after painful breath. It seems to me you have done a whole lot right. You have a close family because you have done a brilliant job with bringing up 3 good kids. Your system has had some hefty shocks this last year. I too have feared I would be letting down my familyespecially my granddaughter because I am having to bring her up. Just remember you did not choose to be ill - none of us did. It is hard making the adjustments. I am normally a positive person but wobbled - cried and withdrew a bit and tried to hide the anger. I am back to being more accepting and moving on. I just want the consultant to get his act together and stop faffing about as i have several health issues and he is wringing his hands seemingly. We all need to offload or rant sometimes. This is not possible to do in front of loved ones as they feel unable to help. That is where the lovely people on here come in. They understand and really care but they are not too close. Shout and rant when you need but always remember you are not letting anyone down. Have another glass and look forward to your grandchild. Our Chloe lights up my life. I have just had a pimms - can't often drink wine any more. Good luck and love to you. :-) :-) :-) Alison

  • Awe Alison.................. what can I say that you haven't already? Stunned 4 weeks ago when I heard. To be honest, now I am furious. With myself. Would be so lost without you guys and I mean that. Cant tell Chris my fears................ cant tell my children. Oh ok I was diagnosed moderate and hopefully a long way before need to worry. But why having chest infections? I better not drink anymore or it could be scarey.

  • There is nothing like a glass or two of wine to help release tensions, so well done twinks. And come on here to get it off your chest - well done, love Annnieseedxxx

  • Chris is having his kidney cancer operation this Monday. Craig, bless him, has booked day off. who shook my life up and left it on the floor

  • Your amongst friends on here, si need to worry xx

  • thank you chellshock..................... means a lot xx

  • twinks with all you've got going, you are doing fine.

    Don't be so hard on yourself.

    Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself once in a while, getting angry at COPD is good too.

    Take care



  • Let everyone down? Not in a month of Sundays, Twinks. Have all the wine you need, rant as much as you want and say exactly what you feel you can't to the family. You will find that the majority of good folks on here will have complete empathy for how you are feeling. Been there, done that, and actually did used to print the tee shirts! It will all come together gradually, don't rush it - at least you are starting to mend from the current infection - that's good. Warm, warm wishes, Scrobbs :) xxx

  • Bless you. 4 glasses later. hee hee. Wow I am so Scottish!!!! This has nothing to do with COPD. COPD just came after life I lived/live. Boy what a life. Husband, wonderful children and my feisty ness. Having said that............... I did get teary and Chris saw it. Boy was he good. So reassured me. To let you understand............. Chris was married for 29 years and has 2 gorgeous daughters. I was married 27 years and 2 gorgeous children too. I said to Chris.............. have the option to leave me as illness gets worse............. his answer.............. no way Jose!!!!. I am a wee bugger................... but I am his wee bugger with a big heart.

  • Thank you Slade. Right now tonight..................... I am confused and angry. How do I recognise chest infections etc? Diagnosed 4 weeks ago and after weeks 2 got chest infection. So how do I know when have exacerbation and keep myself safe? xx

  • Hi twinks

    I posted last night asking why some people get exacerbations and others don't.

    I was diagnosed 5 years ago mild emphysema, for last 3 it has been moderate, I have only had 2 chest infections and they were over 3 years ago. I don't know if I'm lucky or doing something right....who knows, its seems everyone is different.

    Take care



  • Honestly Peta, that's what confuses me. When do you know when exacerbation starts? I was diagnosed 4 weeks ago. But in March I was breathless with chest infection. Craig (son) sitting in kitchen and I was coughing and passed out. Scared the poor boy. Went to A & E and had chest x ray.................. nothing showed up. Walked away with antibiotics and steroid pills............ my first experience of them. Went back to 'normal' life, then 4 weeks ago, Chris and I were food shopping and I got breathless and it started from there. Breathless ever since. Went to GP and had spirometer test 73% and since then had 2 lots of steroid pills.................. 5 course and now 7 course. I read people on here have pills at the ready for exacerbation but how do you know when you have it because I had to fight GP to have this lot of pills and them listen to me being breathless. xx

  • Hi twinks, lovely post, full of being warm, human, and loving, big hugs to you, jumping on puddles and seeing rainbows don't get much better than that as a kid, I know I could have done with some of that as a kiddie x x x x

  • Anyway get this.................. Dad was proud that when I was 8 years old I walked up street chanting........... I've got a Daddy and showed 29 classmates my Dad when he happened to be home. I would be so ashamed if that happened to me but he was so proud. My children? God don't get me started * smiles * xx

  • I would have loved some of that as a kid too, medow. That's why I made sure my kids were shown the magic of nature. Mind you, they would often sit there and say, "Yes, great. When are we eating?" Bless them. :-) Alison

  • HI twinks1954.You can always cheer yourself up with some of my humour

    Please take a look at my posts


    Your daily tonic

  • Hi Twinks, sorry I did not see this earlier. I can only repeat what others have said. You can be honest here. If I was you? I would be asking my GP for a referral to see a respiratory consultant. In the meantime, the BLF helpline is there (03000 030 555) for information, advice and support.

  • Thank you Toci. I did ask GP about seeing Consultant but she didn't seem keen on following that up. Did refer me to PR Course though so awaiting that. I am seeing Respiratory Nurse at the surgery next Wednesday so will ask her lots of questions. I hope you are well xx

  • Morning Twinks, I have just read your post and hope you had a good nights sleep.

    I would just like to add my support as all the other responders have done.

    Just a question about your medication...are you managing without the Ventolin now you are taking another course of steroids.

    Are you due to go back to your gp for a check up, maybe you need a different antibiotic and a sputum test.

    Take care

  • Awe thank you Knitter. I went out like a light after my 4 glasses of wine. I try and avoid using Ventolin as feel it makes my breathlessness worse. When I saw GP 2 weeks ago she said my chest was clear and gave me 5 days of steroid pills - no antibiotics. I went back as still breathless and she said she heard crackling in chest and gave me 7 days of steroids and Doxycycline anti biotic. I figure the infection was there all along maybe. I will see Nurse at surgery on Wednesday and get some advice from her as really want to see consultant. You keeping well? xx

  • Wow Twinks! What a lovely family you have and you will be a grandma next year too. That is really special and something to be thankful for. I am sitting here having a slight sniffle because our youngest son would never dream of putting his arms round me let alone say he loves me but that is how it is. We are a very close family, Mike 35, Louise 32 (with our lovely 13 month old grandson) and James 30. You get as sentimental as you like and you have let nobody down. Take care and feel better. Lots of love to you and yours. xxxxxx

  • Awe Sassy thank you so much. I have no doubt that your youngest son loves you to tender bits Sassy. Just because he doesn't do the hug thing and say it - doesn't mean his love is any less for you. Yes cant wait to be a Grandma and your wee Grandson is at such a lovely age and brings you much happiness. Think I needed that blow out last night. Sorry for bending your ears everyone. Least I didn't start singing!!! Are you feeling good today Sassy? Take care love xxx

  • What did you say? I'm a bit deaf, somebody was shouting last night. Had a bit too much wine I think. he he he. Glad you are having a good day today Twinks.

    Love from Bobby xxxx

  • Haha Bobby. Who was it that sang that song 'Little old wine drinker me'? Dean Martin? Dusted myself off today and getting on with it. Hope your ears are not too bashed. Thanks all of you. Take care xxxx

  • Hi Twinks,just saw this!

    Yes it was Dean Martin that sang it,hope things are better for you today,

    Love Wendells xx

  • Thank you Wendells. Just finished course of Prednisolone today so fingers crossed. Hope your day is going well. Take care xxx

  • I am doing fine today thanks Twinks as grandson round soon and will be giving him his lunch. Bless him! You just made me think a bit yesterday that's all. Hope you are doing well today. Wish me luck this week as off to the Isle of Wight with Pete so hoping he stays well. Take care and sending love and good wishes to you and yours. xxxx

  • Bet your Grandson livens the place up when he arrives Sassy. Bless him............. does he eat you out of house and home? Breathing a lot better today thanks Sassy. More importantly............... you and Pete are off to Isle of Wight? Just read your post now so you have probably gone. Have a fantastic time .... you will be just across the water from me............ you and Pete have a fandazidobby time and cant wait to hear all about it. Take care xxxx

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