Daily Laughter Friday
What day is it today it is P.O.E.T.S Day instead of finishing at 1600 you can go at 1559.
I must bring to your attention under the Human Rights Act of nineteen Canteen those of us who are of mature years when you have a bit of a dipsy time, under the Human Rights Act you are in contravention of Article who gives a monkeys when you say that you are having a Senior Moment.
This is disrespectful to all Seniors especially Senior Service Full Strength or Senior Service Tipped.
As you can no longer use this term the following shall apply
You will now have a C.R.A.F.T Moment, which basically means to put it in laypersons terms
Cant Remember A Flaming Thing
I am not publishing Daily Laughs over the weekend now as my brain hurts.
See you on Monday Morning
Have a great weekend and don't do anything that I wouldn't do, now that gives you plenty of scope.
Please remember Mr Elf & Mrs Safety.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again.
The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.Hilarious Parrot Story
He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
'Yes', said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?'
'Ronald', said the bird.
'That's a stupid name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar.' What idiot named you Ronald?'
The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.'
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked
'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'
Having just moved into his new office in Whitehall, pompous, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Rodney Grant [Royal Navy] was sitting at his desk when Leading Seaman Jones knocked on his door. Particularly aware of his new position, the commander quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.'
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed young Jones man, he asked, 'What do you want?'
'Nothing important, sir,' Jones replied without batting an eyelid, 'I'm just here to connect up your new telephone.'
Two West Country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.
'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked.
'Not a bunch, herd,' his mate replied.
'Heard of what?'
'Herd of cows.'
'Of course I've heard of cows.'
'No, a cow herd.'
'What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'
What do you call a man made from toilet paper ?
What do you call a very tidy woman ?
Anita House !
What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars ?
What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ?
What do you call a vampire Father Christmas ?
What do you call a girl who lives on the same street as a vampire ?
The girl necks door !
What do you call a picture painted by an old master ?
An old masterpiece !
What do you call a horse that eats Indian food ?
Onion Bha-gee-gee !
What do you call a vegetable that tells jokes ?
Jasper Carrot !
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"
! Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk
. Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel
. Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep
. Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.
Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
A: "With a bee bee gun."
Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream
. Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where’s Popcorn?"
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose
. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: the alpha bet
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: Which is the building is the largest?
A: The library because it has the most stories
. Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew
. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
A: It never came out.
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
Little Baby Polar bear said to him mummy, mummy am I a real 100% polar bear, of course you are replied mummy, if you are that unsure ask your daddy. The little polar bear walks across the frozen ice and says to his daddy, daddy am I a real 100% polar bear and daddy gave the wee polar bear a big cuddle and daddy say why did you ask that question son, simple says the wee polar bear if I am a 100% pure bread polar bear like you dad, why am I alway bloody Freezin.!!!!!!!!!!
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
As I've grown older (but refused to grow up) I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get
something and then wonder what I'm here after.
My long-eared dog is very sweet.
He loves to lick my stinky feet.
And that is why I’d use my mace
before I’d let her lick my face.
Today I walked into my big brother's room,
and that's when I saw it: The Armpit of Doom.
I wasn't expecting The Armpit at all.
I shrieked and fell backward and grabbed for the wall.
The Armpit was smelly. The Armpit was hairy.
The Armpit was truly disgusting and scary.
I wanted to vomit. I wanted to cry.
I wanted to flee from its all-seeing eye.
My skin started crawling with goosebumps and chills.
My brain began screaming to head for the hills.
I tried to escape but I knew I could not.
In horror, I found I was glued to the spot.
"Will somebody help me!?" I started to shout,
till fumes overcame me and made me pass out.
And that's why I'm here in this hospital room;
it's all on account of The Armpit of Doom.
I'm still feeling shaken. I'm queasy and pale,
but lucky I lived and can tell you my tale.
So take my advice... If you ever go near
your big brothers room, bring a whole lot of gear:
A gas mask and goggles, a helmet and shield,
or maybe a space suit that's perfectly sealed.
And then, only then, when you're fully prepared,
step in very slowly and hope you'll be spared.
But, if you're afraid of the Armpit of Doom,
stay far, far away from your big brother's room.
My father looks like Frankenstein,
my mom looks like Godzilla,
my brother looks like Dracula,
my sister, Vampirella.
My family is the scariest
in this entire city.
I really can't explain how I
turned out to be so pretty.
Why men have two dogs and not two wives Why men have two dogs and not two wives
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
A dog's parents never visit you.
Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than inside your wallet or desk.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Preparing for Marriage - A look at hell
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
That's it my friends, hope you had a good laugh
Have a great Friday and a better weekend
Breathe Easy my friends