Daily Laughter Thursday
One day before P.O.E.T.S Day
Remember Elf & Safety
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was
charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
There are beavers in the bathroom
swimming circles in the tub
where the beavers have decided
to convene their swimming club.
In their little beaver Speedos
and their beaver bathing caps,
they've been splashing rather happily
while practicing their laps.
They've been studying the butterfly,
the backstroke and the crawl,
and it's obvious they like it
and they're having quite a ball.
For we hear them all the time
but we don't see them anymore,
ever since they built a beaver dam
behind the bathroom door.
We planted some beans in our garden in class,
along with some peppers and pumpkins and grass.
We planted them neatly in straight little rows.
But Jessica Jean stuck her bean up her nose.
She did it discreetly, not making a peep.
She pushed with her pinky and poked it in deep,
then kept it a secret, so no one would know.
But, meanwhile, her bean was beginning to grow.
It popped out a leaf on the tiniest stalk,
that quickly unfolded and caused her to squawk,
then rapidly blossommed and grew to a vine,
while Jessica Jean was beginning to whine.
It quickly expanded to cover her lips.
It grew on her shoulders, her elbows and hips.
It bloomed on her body and covered her clothes,
completely encasing her down to her toes.
It looped on her ankles, engulfing her feet,
cocooning her knees and obscuring her seat,
concealing her up past the top of her chest,
her arms and her hands, and then all of the rest.
And that was the last that has ever been seen,
or heard of the student named Jessica Jean.
So always remember to plant them in rows,
and never, don't ever, put beans in your nose.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the dinner celebrating it, Byron was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
'Tell us Byron, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?'
Byron responds, 'Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
The recruitment consultant asked me, 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said, 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, 'Audi!'
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herbie. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
O.K. jokes, but you will need to deliver them well to be a good stand-up comedian
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said, 'Don't you mean KAPOW??' He said, 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went, 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said, 'You're closest.'
: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
"People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
"Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
1) In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.
80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.
Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!
(2) Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.
(3) 'When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.' -
What happens when plumbers die ?
They go down the drain !
What's the name for a short legged tramp ?
A low down bum !
Mr Smith: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well
Mr Brown: It works !
How do you cure a headache ?
Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear !
What did one virus say to another ?
Stay away !, I think I've got penicillin !
Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella ?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day !
What was the gangsters last words ?
Who put that violin in my violin case !
Have you ever seen a man eating tiger ?
No, but in the cafe next door I once saw a man eating chicken !
What do you call an American drawing ?
Yankee doodle !
I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role ?
No just toast and marmalade !
You can never be too careful,
that's what I always say,
and so I wear a hat, or two,
in case my hair turns gray.
I've thirteen tires on my car,
in case I get a flat.
I wear my pants size fifty-three,
in case I grow too fat.
You can never be too careful,
I'm sure you'll find it's true.
I see the doctor every day,
in case I catch the flu.
I carry twenty handkerchiefs,
in case I have to sneeze,
and forty seven bandages,
in case I skin my knees.
You can never be too careful,
so if I take a walk,
I tiptoe everywhere I go
and whisper when I talk.
I hide my money in a box,
and lock it up inside Fort Knox.
My house is made of bricks and rocks.
The front door has a hundred locks.
But now I have a problem, see,
I'm locked inside without the key.
I've lost it and I can't get free.
I hid it much too carefully!
What do you call a man who forgets to put his underpants on ?
What do you call a man with a tree growing out of his head ?
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head ?
What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers ?
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ?
Sister Matic !
Why did the man with
a pony tail go to see his doctor ?
He was a little hoarse !
What do you call a witch flying through the skies ?
Broom Hilda !
How did the Prime Minister get to know the secret ?
Someone Blairted it out !
What did the idiot call his pet zebra ?
What do you call a fish on the dining table ?
A Plaice Mat !
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
If all is not lost, where is it?
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
It was all so different before everything changed.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
'stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and ' lollipop' with your right.
A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'
Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
So sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
That's it again folks
hope that you did not break and Elf & Safety Rules
I am watching over your shoulder when you read these LOL
Hope that this was not too much for you
Have a fantasticThursday
Breath Easy my friends