Remember Elf & Safety
Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. -
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery -
Confucius say, 'Man who sinks into woman's arms; soon has his arms in woman's sink.'
How did the telephones get married ?
In a double ring ceremony !
Why did the child study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !
Why was the broom late ?
It over swept !
Do you know the time ?
No, we haven't met yet !
What kind of hair do oceans have ?
What runs but never walks ?
How do you make milk shake ?
Give it a good scare !
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time ?
A jelly copter !
Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
Then why aren't you laughing !
Why did the clock get sick ?
It was run down !
Is this a second hand shop ?
Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please !
In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions !!, in the Park ?
Well, dandelions !
How is business going ?
I'm looking for a new cashier
But you only had a new one last week
Yes, that's the one I'm looking for !
Do you have any invisible ink ?
Certainly sir. What colour ?
What did you get for christmas ?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it !
What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot ?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!
This match won't light !
That's funny, it did this morning !
A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that ?
The crack of dawn !
Have you ever seen a duchess ?
Yes - it's the same as an English "s" !
It's gone forever - forever I tell you !
What has ?
Beans for breakfast.
Beans for lunch.
Beans for dinner.
Beans for brunch.
Beans for snacks
and all desserts.
Beans until your
This is called
the "All-Bean Diet."
Man, it's fun!
You have to try it!
True, it gives you
Still, it sure does
clear the class!
My puppy makes pizza.
He bakes every day
In chef hat and apron
he's quite the gourmet.
He'll roll out some dough
and he'll give it a toss,
then spread on a generous
topping of sauce.
He'll heap it with cheeses
and mountains of meat,
but, still, it's not something
you'd probably eat.
For though he makes pizza
with obvious flair,
it all ends up covered
with slobber and hair.
Funny Thought for the Day - Miscellany
Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted and musicians denoted? How about deranged cowboys, debarked tree surgeons, and depressed dry cleaners?
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'
A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac. 'The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' ..... 'Bring me a colour TV'.
"I woke up the other night. I had one foot up here like this (pushing the flat of the hand under his chin), and the other up there like that; not like that (rotating his hand and back again), like that.
Then I thought to myself; My feet are killing me".
¡I went to see my neighbour and knocked on their door. The lady of the house answered, I thought she looked a bit odd. I asked her if her husband was in. 'Johnny passed away this morning I'm afraid' she said.
'Oh dear, that's awful' I said 'What on earth happened?'
'Well he just told me that he felt a little poorly and took to his bed and that was it'
I didn't know what to say. I asked if she was with him at the end. 'Yes. I was' she sobbed. I enquired if he managed any last words. 'Well, yes a few' she said.
So I asked her, 'He didn't say anything about a tin of red paint did he?'
I backed horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
How do you get out of prison?
Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars...
Then, shout until you're hoarse, mount up and ride away!
I was clearing out the loft and I found an old violin and a painting. I took them to an expert and he said what you have there is a stradivarius and a rembrandt. Unfortunately stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt couldn't make very good violins.
'Went to the doctors - he said "You've got four minutes to live" I said "Is there anything you can give me?" He said "A boiled egg?"'
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why don't we ever see this headline:
Psychic Wins Lottery ?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt
.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't .
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
id you hear about the fool you keeps going around saying "no" ?
Oh, so it's you !
I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.
You don't want justice - you want mercy !
How do you stop a cold getting to your chest ?
Tie a knot in your neck !
What steps would you take if a madman came rushing at you with a knife ?
Great big ones !
"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road ?"
"No sir !", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself !"
Why are you covered in bruises ?
I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind !
Why do you keep doing the backstroke ?
I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach !
And you're drunk.
Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober !
This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.
I bet you were mad.
Mad ?, I was foaming at the mouth !
Why is it not safe to sleep on trains ?
Because they run over sleepers !
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Love is grand... Divorce is 75 grand.
Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. -
Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. -
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh!' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. -
Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you.
Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. -
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said
'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
That's it again folks
hope that you didnot break and Elf & Safety Rules
I am watching over your shoulder when you read these LOL
Have a fantastic Wednesday
Breath Easy my friends