Daily Laughter (Monday)

Thank you for all the best wishes for today. I do hope that you all have a great day and this will hopefully put laughing smile on your faces for a happy Monday

Berwick xxx

These are the Daily Laughter Elf & Safety Rules , please read carefully.

If you have any allergies to laughter please stop here and do not read the following.

I am not taking any blame for shakie hands whilst attempting to drink you tea/coffee whilst reading daily laughter.

Or tea/coffee stains on your you keyboard or screen.

Method in the madness consider having tea or coffee before or after reading.

If by any chance you do get tears in your eyes tissues will not be supplied .

If you need to go to the toilet please go now as I will not be responsible for wee little happenings.

If you have complied with the Elf and Safety Rules

You may now begin

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and

She didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before

They could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant

To retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the

Entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of

The car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part

By remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.

Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?

There's a dolphin on my doorstep.

It's an ordinary day.

He's delivering the paper

in his ordinary way.

There's a bison in my bathtub

singing ordinary songs,

and some hippos having ordinary

hippo sing-alongs.

In the pantry there's a penguin

painting ordinary scenes

of opposums in their ordinary

orange submarines.

There's an ordinary rhino

racing up and down the stairs,

chasing ordinary chimpanzees

and ordinary bears.

In the living room are llamas

dancing ordinary jigs,

like a dozen rather ordinary

llama whirigigs.

It's an ordinary day for me;

I promise you it's true.

And I hope your day is simply

extra ordinary too.

Bubble wrap, bubble wrap,

pop, pop, pop.

Wrapped around my bottom.

Wrapped around my top.

I'm double-wrapped in bubble wrap

It's covering my clothes.

It's wrapped around my fingers.

It's wrapped around my toes.

I've wrapped myself in bubble wrap

exactly as I'd planned.

But now I'm tied so tightly,

I can barely even stand.

I'm having trouble walking.

I can hardly even hop.

I guess I'll have to roll today.

Pop, pop, pop.

I often contradict myself.

Oh no, I never do.

I argue with me day and night.

That simply isn't true.

Oh yes it is. Oh no it's not.

I do this all day long.

Oh no I don't. Oh yes I do.

That's right. No way! It's wrong.

I'm really quite agreeable.

I argue night and day.

I love to be around myself.

I wish I'd go away.

So if you see me arguing,

it's certain that you won't.

I like to contradict myself.

I promise you I don't.

Question. How many bingo callers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer. One, on its own, just the one!

Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Something Missing?

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket. Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails.

Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.

Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'

You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.'

I recently asked a friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'

'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector', my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. 'That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career,' I finally managed to reply.

'Well,' said the boy's father, 'he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays'.

Optimism

People who are optimistic, by definition feel happier about the future as they assume things will be better than they likely will be, even in the face of a negative past.

Contented

People who are not bothered by the past or future can also just be happy in the present moment. Worry about the future is a common creator of unhappiness, and stopping worrying can give you a huge boost.

Humour

Those with a sense of fun and who can laugh, especially at themselves, are generally happier.

Laughing at yourself implies a sound sense of security with a reduced tendency to worry, which in turn contributes to happiness.

Achievement

People who challenge themselves, seeking to learn and achieve find pleasure not only in reaching their goals but also in the struggle and focus to get there.

They often set both smaller and larger goals, enabling them to get a sense of achievement in each of the little steps along the way to the greater joy of achieving something significant.

Caring

People who are altruistic, caring for others and spending time helping them often find great happiness in this. Caring for others gets you out of yourself and stops you worrying. Seeing others who are less fortunate than you can also provide motivation.

Integrity

Being true to yourself creates internal alignment and reduces inner conflict that prevents you from being truly happy. This helps to explain how caring works -- if you have an internal Values that says 'caring is right', then by caring for others you increase internal alignment.

Gratitude

People who are grateful for their lot in life and who show gratitude towards others for the things they receive have been found to be happier. Notably, thanks can be found in many religious prayers.

Activity

When people keep busy they are often happier than those who slow down, watch TV, surf the net and other less active things.

Activity reduces time for moping, adds interest and increases the chance of meeting others and finding happiness in new areas.

Well that is it for today my friends..

Have a great Monday

Breath Easy My friends

Berwick xxx

5 Replies

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  • Thanks Berwick, a great start to the day. You have a good day too and take it easy.

    Regards, Bobby

  • Thanks for that Berwick, happy Monday to you.

    Lib xx

  • Happy Monday Graeme, goodest luck today and loving your Monday pick - have to dash now, the whirling llama needs seeing to ........... :D xx

  • Thanks Graeme, just what I needed to go with my afternoon tea :) Hope you too are enjoying this Monday. :)

    Anna xx

  • Thanks for the elf & safety warning. Laughing my socks off :d glad to see you're feeling well enough to resume our funnies :) Judy x

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