Daily Laughter

Today is Tuesday,

Today I see Count Dracula. I have never drank alcohol for many many years and today is my 1st pint and I am going to have the same every 3 weeks for the next year.

May at this point a bit of seriousness, may I thank all those who have donated blood which I will be having a pint of someones blood today. May again say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Dear Friends enough said

Hope you all have a great day.

Berwick xxx

There once was a lady named Sue

Who had nothing whatever to do

And who did it so badly

I thought she would gladly

Have stopped before she was through.

There once was a Thingamajig--

Like a Whatsis, but three times as big.

When it first came in view

It looked something like you

But it stayed and turned into a pig.

I once knew a word I forgot

That means, "I am sorry we met

And I wish you the same."

It sounds like your name

But I haven't remembered it yet.

There once was an ape in a zoo

Who looked out through the bars and saw YOU!

Do you think it's fair

To give poor apes a scare?

I think it's a mean thing to do.

There once was a Martian named Zed

With antennae all over his head.

He sent out a lot

Of di-di-dash-dot

But nobody knows what he said.

There once was a hunter named Paul

Who strangled nine grizzlies one Fall.

Nine is such a good score,

So he tried for one more

But he lost. Well, you can't win them all!

Speedy Sam, while exploring a cave,

Had what I call a very close shave.

He stepped on a bear,

That had dozed off in there.

I'm glad he was faster than brave.

There once were two back-country geezers

Who got porcupine quills up their sneezers.

They sat beak to beak

For more than a week

Working over each other with tweezers.

Said a salty old skipper from Wales,

"Number one, it's all right to chew nails.

It impresses the crew.

It impresses me too.

But stop spitting holes in the sails!"

There once was a poor boy named Sid

Who thought he knew more than he did.

He thought that a shark

Would turn tail if you bark.

So he swam out to try it --- poor kid!

There was a young fellow who thought

Very little, but thought it a lot.

Then at long last he knew

What he wanted to do,

But before he could start, he forgot.

Some Things Don't Make Any Sense At All

My mom says I'm her sugarplum.

My mom says I'm her lamb.

My mom says I'm completely perfect

Just the way I am.

My mom says I'm a super-special wonderful terrific

Little guy.

My mom just had another baby.

Why?

I can't get enoughsky

Of Lizzie Pitofsky.

I love her so much that it hurts.

I want her so terrible

I'd give her my gerbil

Plus twenty-two weeks of desserts.

I know that it's lovesky

'Cause Lizzie Pitofsky

Is turning me into a saint.

I smell like a rose,

I've stopped picking my nose,

And, I practically never say ain't.

I don't push and shovesky

'Cause Lizzie Pitofsky

Likes boys who are gentle and kind.

I'm not throwing rocks

And I'm changing my socks

(And to tell you the truth I don't mind.)

Put tacks in my shoes.

Feed me vinegar juice,

And, do other mean bad awful stuffsky.

But promise me this:

I won't die without kiss-

Ing my glorious Lizzie Pitofsky.

ONLY IN BRITAIN!

- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

- do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

- do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

- do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

- do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

- do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers

.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

in 1997 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!

LEARN JAPANESE IN FIVE MINUTES

1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai

5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great - Fu Kin Su Pah

Night Fun

I hear eating.

I hear drinking.

I hear music.

I hear laughter.

Fun is something

Grownups never have

Before my bedtime.

Only after.

Weird

My sister Stephanie's in love.

(I thought she hated boys.)

My brother had a yard sale and

Got rid of all his toys.

My mother started jogging, and

My dad shaved off his beard.

It's spring --- and everyone but me

Is acting really weird.

Short Love Poem

It's hard to love

The tallest girl

When you're the shortest guy,

For every time

You try to look

Your true love in the eye

You see

Her bellybutton.

Learning

I'm learning to say thank you.

And I'm learning to say please.

And I'm learning to use Kleenex,

Not my sweater, when I sneeze.

And I'm learning not to dribble.

And I'm learning not to slurp.

And I'm learning (though it sometimes really hurts me)

Not to burp.

And I'm learning to chew softer

When I eat corn on the cob.

And I'm learning that it's much

Much easier to be a slob.

Mending

A giant hand inside my chest

Stretches out and takes

My heart within its mighty graps

And squeezes till it breaks.

A gentle hand inside my chest,

With mending tape and glue,

Patches up my heart until

It's almost good as new.

I ought to know by now that

Broken hearts will heal again.

But while I wait for glue and tape,

The pain!

The pain!

The pain!

Apology

It's hard to say, "I'm sorry,"

Although I'm feeling sorry.

The "s" always sticks in my throat.

And, "I made a big mistake"

Would produce a bellyache

That might last till I was old enough to vote.

"Please forgive me" sounds real good.

And I'd say it if I could,

But, between the "forgive" and the "please"

I would have to go to bed

With a pounding in my head

And a very shaky feeling in my knees.

"I was wrong" seems oh so right.

But it gives me such a fright

That my "was" always turns into "ain't."

So I hope you'll take this rhyme

As my way of saying "I'm

Really sorry." Now excuse me while I faint.

No

No. I refuse to.

No. I don't choose to.

No. I most certainly don't.

You've made a mistake

If you thought you could make

Me. No no no --- I won't.

No. You could beat me.

No. You could eat me

Up from my head to my toes.

And inside your belly,

Loudly and yelly,

I'd keep saying no's.

No you could sock me,

Feed me some broccoli,

Tickle me till I turned blue,

But in between giggles

And sniggles and wriggles

I'd say no to you.

No. You could tease me,

Please, pretty please me,

Cry till your eyes washed away.

You could beg till you're old,

But I'd look at you cold.

En-oh is what I'd say.

No. You could shove me.

No. You could love me.

With kisses all squishy and wet.

You could scratch me with claws

But I'd say no, because

.....because.....because.....

I forget!

Thank-You Note

I wanted small pierced earrings (gold).

You gave me slippers (gray).

My mother said that she would scold

Unless I wrote to say

How much I liked them.

Not much.

Mother Doesn't Want A Dog

Mother doesn't want a dog.

Mother says they smell.

And never sit when you say sit,

Or even when you yell.

And when you come home late at night

And there is ice and snow,

You have to go back out because

The dumb dog has to go.

Mother doesn't want a dog.

Mother says they shed,

And always let the strangers in

And bark at friends instead,

And do disgraceful things on rugs,

And track mud on the floor,

And flop upon your bed at night

And snore their doggy snore.

Mother doesn't want a dog.

She's making a mistake.

Because, more than a dog, I think

She will not want this snake.

Wicked Thoughts

The meanest girl I've ever met

Is Mary Ellen Wright.

And if a lion came along and

Ate her with one bite,

I'd cry and cry and cry and cry.

(But just to be polite.)

Goodbye, Six -- Hello, Seven

I'm getting a higher bunk bed.

And I'm getting a bigger bike.

And I'm getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by myself, if I like.

And I'm getting to help do dishes.

And I'm getting to weed the yard.

And I'm getting to think that seven

could be hard.

Teddy Bear Poem

I threw away my teddy bear,

The one that lost his eye.

I threw him in the garage pail

(I thought I heard him cry.)

I've had that little teddy bear

Since I was only two.

But I'm much bigger now and

I've got better things to do

Than play with silly teddy bears.

And so I said good-bye

And threw him in the garbage pail.

(Who's crying -- he or I?)

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

-

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one evening, while they were sitting in their armchairs, he called over to her. "Can you hear me?" There was no response. A few seconds later he asked her again, this time a little louder. "Can you hear me?" There was still no response. So he tried for a third time, louder still. "Can you hear me Brenda?" She answered impatiently: "For the third time, yes!!".-

An old man was driving on the motorway when his mobile phone rang. It was his wife."Bob," she cried, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful." "Hell," exclaimed Bob. "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!!"

-

An old man was proudly displaying his physique to his wife. "What do you think of my balls?" he asked. "Still pretty big, huh? I think of them as my Crown Jewels." "Yes," said the wife. "They're for display purposes only."

-

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? - A bingo machine.

old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underpants!"

-

Two old men were talking. One said: "I'm eighty-three and full of aches and pains. How about you?" The other said: "I feel like a new born baby." "Really?" asked the first man. "Yeah. No hair, no teeth and I just shit in my pants."

-

How do you know when you're getting old? - When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

-

An old couple were on honeymoon. While she slipped into bed in her skimpiest nightdress, he went to the bathroom. After he had been in there for fifteen minutes she thought she had better see what he was doing. She found him struggling to put on a condom. "Why are you putting on a condom?" she asked. "I'm eighty-two. I can't get pregnant!" "Yes," he said, "but you know how dampness affects my arthritis."

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? - Her navel.

The teacher asked the pupil to use the word 'Harassment' in a sentence. The pupil answered "I had a girlfriend her-ass-ment a lot to me."

Sent in by S Rawnsley

-

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?

"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlour. One is licking, one is biting

and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

-

On a teacher's birthday, the teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son

handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is -

flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift over her

head, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of sweets!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl

.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the off license owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head

and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted

it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

To all my friends

Have a great Sunny Tuesday

BreathEasy my friends

Berwick xxx

7 Replies

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  • Good ones today Berwick, a special day today too. All the best and a happy and successful Tuesday.

    Love from Lib x

  • Beware, I was reprimanded for my Chinese jokes & they were removed. Thanks for the laughs & good luck with your pint. xx

  • To think of others first is truly lovely and your jokes ain't bad either LOL ;) xx

  • I love the last one. It rings true. I have a baby chihuahua!

  • LOL, chuckle muscles operational!!!! Thanks Graeme :) and good luck today with your transfusion :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Loved them all Graeme. Thank you. Specially the one about speedy sam and the bear. I too wish you good luck with transfusion. Keep the jokes coming hun :d

    Bev x

  • Just worked my wat through your jokes LOL, I needed two trips to the loo & spluttered tea all over my screen, well done, today of all days :D

    Karen

    xxxx

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