Daily Laughter

Happy Monday Friends,

Did you get sunburned.

Well done to my Fellow Scot Andy Murray, Proud to be a scot and proud to be british.

After todays stupid nonsense, still very tired and after my bath did not do much.

Anyway less of me more of you, you that you will enjoy your Daily Laughter. I cannot and will not let you down.

Breath Easy my friends and have a good chuckle.

Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry.

I have two daughters, both are girls!

Boys lie more, but girls lie better.

ARE YOU ASLEEP??" "No I was in comma , thanks for saving me."

"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."

"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."

"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."

"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."

What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

Brenda - Darling do I please you in bed?

Bob - Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Brenda - What trick?

Bob - The one when you shut up and go to sleep.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

My ex-boyfriend came round last night, which was a bit weird because I didn't even know he was in a coma.

-

How do you know if your husband is dead? - The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

-

You may marry the man of your dreams, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

-

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

-

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

There once was a girl named Irene,

who lived on distilled kerosene.

But she started absorbin'

A new hydrocarbon,

And since then has never benzene!

A mosquito was heard to complain,

'A chemist has poisoned my brain!'

The cause of his sorrow

was paradichloro-

triphenyldichloroethane.

.

Is it me or the nature of money

That's odd and peculiar? Funny,

But when I have dough

It goes quickly, you know,

And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

There was an old man with a beard

Who said, "It's just as I feared!

Two owls and a hen,

Four larks and a wren

Are making a nest in my beard!"

At 16 I sighed as I hoped

For a bike like a Harley. I groped

In my pocket for cash

And bought something less flash;

Then I sat on my moped and moped.

Remember when nearly sixteen

On your very first date as a teen

At the movies? If yes,

Then I bet you can't guess

What was shown on the cinema screen.

The incredible Wizard of Oz

Retired from his business becoz

Due to up-to-date science,

To most of his clients,

He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

Said an envious, erudite ermine,

"There's one thing I cannot determine:

When a girl wears my coat,

She's a person of note.

When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."

There was an old person of Fratton

Who would go to church with his hat on.

'If I wake up,' he said,

'With a hat on my head,

I will know that it hasn't been sat on.'.

Limericks I cannot compose

With noxious smells in my nose;

But this one was easy

I only felt queasy

Because I was sniffing my toes.

Amazingly, antelope stew

Is supposedly better for you

Than a goulash of rat

Or Hungarian cat;

But I guess that you probably gnu.

My neighbor came over to say

(Although not in a neighborly way)

That he'd knock me around

If I didn't curb the sound

Of the classical music I play.

I told him, "Get out of my place

You're an utter uncultured disgrace;

You're a simpleton loon.

Don't you know a good tune?"

Then he walloped me square in the face.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe

Found a rather large mouse in his stew.

Said the waiter, "Don't shout

And wave it about,

Or the rest will be wanting one, too."

There was a young man from Dealing

Who caught the bus for Ealing.

It said on the door

“Don't spit on the floor”

So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling

Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs!

Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.

Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.

Take the mast off when you speak to me.

Whats a snail?

A slug with a crash helmet.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

What would the lamp say to the man?

Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

What dog keeps the best time?

A watch dog.

Overweight:

A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.

After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.

Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?

Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

Doctor: From hunger, you mean?

Lady: Nope... from skipping!

As 007 walked by

He heard a wee spider say, "Hi."

But shaken, he shot

It right there on the spot

As it tried to explain, "I'm a spi ..."

There was a young dentist who thrilled

To the sound of a tooth being filled;

He would practise, they said

Every night in his shed ..

With the old Black & Decker ™ he's skilled.

67.

A motor mechanic named Fox

Got crushed between cylinder blocks.

They laid him to rest

In his boots and his vest

With his spanner and jack in the box.

One Saturday morning at three

A cheesemonger's shop in Paree

Collapsed to the ground

With a thunderous sound

Leaving only a pile of de brie.

“It’s crescent shaped rolls that I want”

Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.

“Didn’t rush off to town

And just scarf 1 Down;

I relaxed when I 8 Across aunt.”

There was a young lady named Harris

Whom nothing could ever embarrass

'Til the salts that she shook

In the bath that she took

Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.

I'm really determined and keen

To start giving this house a spring clean.

I will do it I say,

Yes, I'll do it today ...

Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

I've done it; I've done mown the lawn,

But my muscles are aching and torn.

I could swear there are some

In my legs and my bum

I've not used since the year I was born.

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,

To his offspring both female and male,

"From your offspring, my dears,

In a couple of years,

May evolve a professor at Yale."

A he-melon suffering droop

Spied a she-melon round as a hoop;

And he beamed as he said,

"Come away, let's be wed."

But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe."

There was a young lady named Rose

Who had a large wart on her nose.

When she had it removed

Her appearance improved,

But her glasses slipped down to her toes.

On which day do lions eat people? Chewsday!

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.

Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks

2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.

Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work. -

There once was a fly on the wall

I wonder why didn't it fall

Because its feet stuck

Or was it just luck

Or does gravity miss things so small?

A long time ago an old Squire

Met a pretty young lass in a choir

And said, "Miss, can we dance?"

But she told him, "No chance;

For I fear that I'm Handel's miss, sire."

There was a young fellow called Binn

Who was so excessively thin

That when he essayed

To drink lemonade

He slipped through the straw and fell in..

I need a front door for my hall;

The replacement I bought was too tall.

So I hacked it and chopped it

And carefully lopped it;

And now the dumb thing is too small.

An odd-looking guy from Beruit

Held up banks in a bright-yellow suit;

More bizarre though by far,

He would wave a cigar

And shout, "Freeze there, or else I'll cheroot."

There was an old man from Milan,

Whose limericks never would scan.

When told this was so,

He said, 'yes, I know.

'But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.'

What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner

What is so special about Pretty Bunny’s jewellery?

It is made from 14 carrot (carrat) gold

Where can you always find a tiger’s head?

Four feet from its tail.

What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

How do you make one disappear?

Add a ‘g’ or an ‘n’ to ‘one’!

Something a bridegroom might wear: 'A dress..'

Dr: When did you first notice you had diarrhea?

Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.

Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: 'Feeds your pets..'

My girlfriend told me "friends or me". Sometimes I miss her.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

*Stalks crush on Facebook*... *Accidentally likes status from 2009*... *Deletes Facebook*... *Sets computer on fire*... *Leaves country*

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground, apart from the eagle.

Girl's logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically know and make the first move.

You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?

When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

Hope that you all had a good read and a good laugh

Breath Easy

My friends

and have a great Monday

Berwick xxx

11 Replies

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  • Good start to the day, you have a good Monday too Berwick,

    Lib x

  • Morning Libbygood, Glad you enjoyed , have a great sunny Monday. Berwick xxx

  • Happy Monday Graeme :) xx Got reading your jokes down to a fine art now, coffee in hand, sat away from the screen and keyboard - enjoy both safely LOL

  • Great Stuff

    scrobbitty glad you enjoyed and drank your coffee with re decorating your keyboard and screen. Have a great sunny day. Graemexxx

  • Good way to start the week. Saved some to read later today.

  • Thank you, happy days to everyone

    Peta

  • Fabulous Graeme! hope you have a happy Monday too! :D XXXX hufferpuffer xxxxxxxx :)

  • Hi Graeme, what a set up for the start of the week. Happily chucking away as I wrestle with changing a duvet! :) Hope your feeling better after your exertions yesterday. Good luck tomorrow with your transfusion ;)

    Sandra x x x

  • Thanks Sandra I will feel better once they find a vein and the needle goes in for my first top up. Graeme xxx

  • Hi Graeme you make a great start to the day for us that's for sure, have great day yourself,mattcass

  • Hi Mattcass, please that you had a great start, nice to see where you live not far from where I was born, but living in South Wales now.

    Have a great day and remember I am here everyday to help everyone have a great start to the day Berwick x

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