Happy Monday Friends,
Did you get sunburned.
Well done to my Fellow Scot Andy Murray, Proud to be a scot and proud to be british.
After todays stupid nonsense, still very tired and after my bath did not do much.
Anyway less of me more of you, you that you will enjoy your Daily Laughter. I cannot and will not let you down.
Breath Easy my friends and have a good chuckle.
Behind every successful woman, is a basket of dirty laundry.
I have two daughters, both are girls!
Boys lie more, but girls lie better.
ARE YOU ASLEEP??" "No I was in comma , thanks for saving me."
"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."
"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."
"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."
"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."
What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you 'turn up missing'?
I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Brenda - Darling do I please you in bed?
Bob - Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Brenda - What trick?
Bob - The one when you shut up and go to sleep.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
My ex-boyfriend came round last night, which was a bit weird because I didn't even know he was in a coma.
How do you know if your husband is dead? - The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
You may marry the man of your dreams, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!
A mosquito was heard to complain,
'A chemist has poisoned my brain!'
The cause of his sorrow
Is it me or the nature of money
That's odd and peculiar? Funny,
But when I have dough
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It's just as I feared!
Two owls and a hen,
Four larks and a wren
Are making a nest in my beard!"
At 16 I sighed as I hoped
For a bike like a Harley. I groped
In my pocket for cash
And bought something less flash;
Then I sat on my moped and moped.
Remember when nearly sixteen
On your very first date as a teen
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess
What was shown on the cinema screen.
The incredible Wizard of Oz
Retired from his business becoz
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Said an envious, erudite ermine,
"There's one thing I cannot determine:
When a girl wears my coat,
She's a person of note.
When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."
There was an old person of Fratton
Who would go to church with his hat on.
'If I wake up,' he said,
'With a hat on my head,
I will know that it hasn't been sat on.'.
Limericks I cannot compose
With noxious smells in my nose;
But this one was easy
I only felt queasy
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Amazingly, antelope stew
Is supposedly better for you
Than a goulash of rat
Or Hungarian cat;
But I guess that you probably gnu.
My neighbor came over to say
(Although not in a neighborly way)
That he'd knock me around
If I didn't curb the sound
Of the classical music I play.
I told him, "Get out of my place
You're an utter uncultured disgrace;
You're a simpleton loon.
Don't you know a good tune?"
Then he walloped me square in the face.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
There was a young man from Dealing
Who caught the bus for Ealing.
It said on the door
“Don't spit on the floor”
So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
As 007 walked by
He heard a wee spider say, "Hi."
But shaken, he shot
It right there on the spot
As it tried to explain, "I'm a spi ..."
There was a young dentist who thrilled
To the sound of a tooth being filled;
He would practise, they said
Every night in his shed ..
With the old Black & Decker ™ he's skilled.
A motor mechanic named Fox
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.
They laid him to rest
In his boots and his vest
With his spanner and jack in the box.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheesemonger's shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
“It’s crescent shaped rolls that I want”
Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.
“Didn’t rush off to town
And just scarf 1 Down;
I relaxed when I 8 Across aunt.”
There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.
I'm really determined and keen
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today ...
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I've done it; I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some
In my legs and my bum
I've not used since the year I was born.
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
A he-melon suffering droop
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop;
And he beamed as he said,
"Come away, let's be wed."
But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe."
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
On which day do lions eat people? Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work. -
There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?
A long time ago an old Squire
Met a pretty young lass in a choir
And said, "Miss, can we dance?"
But she told him, "No chance;
For I fear that I'm Handel's miss, sire."
There was a young fellow called Binn
Who was so excessively thin
That when he essayed
To drink lemonade
He slipped through the straw and fell in..
I need a front door for my hall;
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it
And carefully lopped it;
And now the dumb thing is too small.
An odd-looking guy from Beruit
Held up banks in a bright-yellow suit;
More bizarre though by far,
He would wave a cigar
And shout, "Freeze there, or else I'll cheroot."
There was an old man from Milan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, 'yes, I know.
'But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.'
What two things can never be eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner
What is so special about Pretty Bunny’s jewellery?
It is made from 14 carrot (carrat) gold
Where can you always find a tiger’s head?
Four feet from its tail.
What's brown and runny?
How do you make one disappear?
Add a ‘g’ or an ‘n’ to ‘one’!
Something a bridegroom might wear: 'A dress..'
Dr: When did you first notice you had diarrhea?
Patient: When I took off my bicycle clips.
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: 'Feeds your pets..'
My girlfriend told me "friends or me". Sometimes I miss her.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
*Stalks crush on Facebook*... *Accidentally likes status from 2009*... *Deletes Facebook*... *Sets computer on fire*... *Leaves country*
What do a mole and an eagle have in common?
They both live underground, apart from the eagle.
Girl's logic: When you like a guy, do nothing about it and expect him to magically know and make the first move.
You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."
What's the difference between driving in golf and driving a car?
When you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.
Hope that you all had a good read and a good laugh
and have a great Monday