Good Morning Friends, hope that the Sun is shining brightly for you all
All the very best to Andy Murray today.
Hope that you start your lazy Sunday with a good read and a bigger laugh.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us!!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Just like the U.K.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years..
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?!!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you loose, don't loose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for other's and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11 Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18 Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...
"You know, woman to woman."
MEN VS WOMEN
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.. None of them will have anything smaller,and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess, You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.
What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!
Obviously this was sent to me by a man!! Typical huh girls!
Why is a tomato round and red?
Because if it was long and green it would be a cucumber!
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the kitchen!
What did one tomato say to the other?
You go on ahead and I’ll ketchup!
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What's worse than finding a slug in your apple?
Finding half a slug in your apple!
What did baby corn say to mommy corn?
What colour is a hiccup?
How do you divide 20 potatoes among 6 people?
Boil them and mash them!
There once was a guy named Othello,
A dark, disagreeable fellow;
After croaking his wife,
Then he took his own life ---
That bird wasn't black, he was yellow!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply doted on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she pickled her internal workins'.
As a beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far;
But my face -- I don't mind it,
For I am behind it;
It's the people in front that I jar.
To compose a sonata today,
Don't proceed in the old-fashioned way:
With your toes on the keys,
Bang the floor with your knees:
"Oh how modern!" the critics will say.
Here lies a young salesman named Phipps,
Who married on one of his trips,
A widow named Block,
Then died of the shock,
When he saw there were six little chips.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes;
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose;
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there:
I'll be awfully said, when it goes.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire.
(Most any last line will do here!)
A cheerful old bear at the Zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him, you know,
To walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent;
Her thanks were so cold
They quarreled, I'm told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party;
So exclusive and few
Were the friends that he knew
That no one was present but Smarty.
An elderly bride of Port Jervis
Was quite understandable nervis.
Since her apple-cheeked groom,
With three wives in the tomb,
Kept insuring her during the service.
A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee."
"Let us fly," said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
I bought a new Hoover today,
Plugged it in in the usual way,
Switched it on - what a din;
It sucked everything in,
Now I'm homeless with no place to stay.
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
There was a young lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
And made cider inside her inside.
A crossword compiler named Moss
Who found himself quite at a loss
When asked, “Why so blue?”
Said, “I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.”.
An artistic young man called Bo,
To an art class decided to go.
The teacher said, "Nnot right
Your page is all white!"
Bo said, "It is a polar bear in snow."
I'm papering walls in the loo
And quite frankly I haven't a clue;
For the pattern's all wrong
(Or the paper's too long)
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
The shoes of old Eskimo Joe
Fell apart as he walked in the snow.
"Have you needle and thread?"
I enquired, but he said,
"No, igloo them not sew them, you know."
Tis a favorite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
How many ears does Davy Crockett have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier!
What do you call James Bond in the bath?
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck.
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea ?
Bugs Bunny !
What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam
Flatman and ribbon.
Why didn't Superman know he could fly?
Because he didn't know his Cape Abilities!
What's green and purple and goes up and down?
Barney in an elevator.
Why did Captain Kirk go into the Ladies?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before!
Why did Harry potter?
Because he didn’t feel like rushing!
How does Batman’s mother call him in for dinner?
Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!
Why wasn’t Cinderella any good at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!
After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs..... but she's good with the kids.
On the first morning after their honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen and brought his wife breakfast in bed. Naturally she was delighted. "Have you noticed what I've done?" he asked. "Of course dear. Every single detail." "Good." he said. "That's how I want my breakfast served every morning from now on."
A man knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because the thief was spending less than my wife did.
Marriage is like a tornado. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking and end with you losing your house.
What did the wife do when she saw her husband staggering around the back yard? - Reloaded the gun.
Playboy is introducing a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centrefold is the same woman.
Sleeping with a man is just like a soap opera. Just when it's getting interesting they're finished till next time.
Laughing for 10 minutes adds 1 day to your life.
That's it friends, hope the sun shines brightly for you all and Andy Murray wins Wimbledon.
Breath Easy my friends.
Berwick xxx back nearly to his best.