Daily Laughter

It's Poets Day Friends.

I am afraid my infection is not clearing up as I wanted to. Breathing is total crap even on my oxygen. Better get better by Tuesday.

I cannot let my BLF Friends down . If my chosen poems and jokes are not up to standard will smack my wrists and do better next time.

I could not let you down.

Please enjoy.

Never trust a dog to watch your food. --

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. --

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. --

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. --

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. --

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. --

Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower. --

Never ask for anything that costs more than £five when your parents are doing taxes. --

Never bug a pregnant mum

Don't ever be too full for dessert. --

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. --

Never tell your mum her diet's not working. --

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. --

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. --

The two places you can always feel safe is church and your grandma's. ---

1st little girl: Do you believe in the tooth fairy?

2nd little girl: No, I used to, but now I don't. I think it's just a regular fairy who gets dressed up.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice. "The big sissy."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off their clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him. --

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started

-

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.

The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

On an airplane, the flight attendant asked a man, "Would you like dinner?"

The man responded, "What are my choices?"

The flight attendant answered, "Yes, or no."

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at that time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £ 20 million"

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

My father-in-law bought a new boat and asked his wife what he should name it. She said, "Name it after me." The next time she saw the boat, it had "After Me" on the back of it.

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

If your flying over the us and canada border and the plane crashes where do the survivors get buried?

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Old" is when ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"Old" is when ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"Old" is when ... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"Old" is when ... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Old" is when ... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"Old" is when ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"Old" is when ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom!

You shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

You shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

You shall not carry grudges, for they are the heaviest of all life's burdens.

You shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

You shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

You shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you.

You shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

You shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own.

You shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

You shall count your blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

Thats it folks

Have a Great Friday and remember it,s P.O.E.T.S.Day

Breath Easy My friends

Berwick xxxx

6 Replies

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  • ((((((Graeme)))))) sorry to hear your breathing is not up to par. Hope your infection clears soon. Your funnies, poems and one-liners cheer me up and put a smile on my fact :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Thank you Sandra. My only worry is I start my 3 weekly blood transfusions on Tuesday so I hope that I am better by then.My blood is not producing antibodies and enough protien hence constant chest Infections. I am having the blood transfusions every 3 weeks for a year then a protein pen. It is going to be a long road but hopefully with good results at the end. Have a great Friday. Graeme xxx

  • Poor Graeme still not up to par, but up to par with your poems and jokes. Hope you are better by Tuesday. 'Alot of small blessings add up to one big one' - I shall try and remember that.

    Sunny, warm (maybe hot) day today - no complaining anyone, we've been waiting 10 months for today. Happy Friday and all the best to you Graeme.

    Lib x

  • I have every faith that you will be ready and able for Tuesday Graeme, you provide enough sunshine for us on here for it not to be your turn by Tuesday. :) xx Happy Friday.

  • You never fail to raise a laugh, sorry your not feeling too good How awful to have to undergo blood transfusions every 3 weeks. (((hugs))) and xxxx's and best of luck for Tuesday. xx

  • Hope you feel better soon

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