Daily Laughter

Today is Thursday

Happy Thursday

Sunny Thursday

Laughing Thursday

Chuckling Thursday.

Oh my goodness I think I have lost the plot

If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

I can't get enough minimalism.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!"

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

Germit McDermit,

a crabby old hermit,

has never been out of his shell.

He doesn’t like flowers

and never takes showers.

You’d know by his horrible smell.

His friends never call him,

for he doesn't want them.

He just wants to stay in his home.

So don’t be a hermit

like Germit McDermit

or you’ll end up old and alone.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!

His underwear is hanging on the lamp.

His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,

And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.

His workbook is wedged in the window,

His sweater's been thrown on the floor.

His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,

And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.

His books are all jammed in the closet,

His vest has been left in the hall.

A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,

And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!

Donald or Robert or Willie or--

Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,

I knew it looked familiar!

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She’s very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they’ll have moved!

He’s a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Where as she likes lazy days

He’ll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favourite food

And spoils her day and night!

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he’s handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They’re both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Where as she won’t even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He’ll also be her friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’s be his soul mate ‘till the end.

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

and bring so much happiness, just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,

and I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

and when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry. I'll run. if I'm able!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

and play in the mud till the end of the day!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

and say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

I'm an old worn out shoe.

I am not very new.

Sitting all by myself

On an old dusty shelf.

My white laces are worn

Tattered, tacky, and torn.

I've walked a million miles

On carpet, floor, and tiles.

My slick, slippery heel

Is a banana peel.

My color is faded,

The style out-dated.

My mate has gone astray.

I'm left here to decay.

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?

Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is the noisiest game?

Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Where do flies go in winter?

To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!

Why did the king go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned!

"Tell me" said the tourist to the local yokel. "Will this path take me to the main road?"

"No sir!", replied the man. "You'll have to go by yourself!"

Why are you covered in bruises?

I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind!

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!

What is the best day of the week to sleep?


How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?

A phew!

What do cannibals eat for breakfast?

Buttered host!

What holds the sun up in the sky?


What does "Maximum" mean?

A very big mother!

What is full of holes but can still hold water?

A sponge!

Why is perfume obedient?

Because it is scent wherever it goes!

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?

Then why aren't you laughing!

What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?

Jaws Washington!

Why is it not safe to sleep on trains?

Because they run over sleepers!

Why do you keep doing the backstroke?

I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!

How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?

She was maid in France!

Who invented underground tunnels?

A mole!

Why did the clock get sick?

It was run down!

I think that this will do for thursday as I am not too well tonite.

Breath Easy my friends , have a great sunny Thursday and remember tomorrow is P.O.E.T.S day..


Berwick xxxx

Joke Laurate

9 Replies

  • I gathered that but still good, hope you feel better soon, chin up, hope fully the madness is just a passing phase, well that's what i keep telling myself. Best of



    even my phone is at it :D

  • Oh dear Berwick for someone not too good you did pretty good. Lovely start to Thursday.

    Hope you're better today.

    Lib x

  • Hope you are much better today. You must be celebrating Independence Day - US spellings!! Take care, Anniseed x

  • Must alter the ending of when I'm an old lady to

    My son will look down with a slow creeping frown

    And say, how soon can we get to put her in a home

  • Sorry to hear you are poorly Graeme so double thanks for taking the time to cheer us up :) xx Happy Thursday !

  • I loved P.O.E.T.S. day when I was working...Hope you feel better soon.xxxx

  • Thanks for thinking of us when you are poorly, Graeme. Hope you're feeling better today

    Appreciate your efforts to make us all smile :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Hope you feel better later today.

    Take care


  • Hope you feel better - must be after your marathon entries of jokes - liked the when I'm an old lady one - thanks x

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