Daily Laughs

It is Wednesday

are you ready for it,

can you take it,

then

ready

steady

GO

Please enjoy yourself and have a great laugh or even a wee chuckle.

Joke Laureate xxx

I suppose you're pale and breathless and standing at death's door,

And if I don't attend you, you'll be dying on the floor,

It is my daily hazard, and really, truth to tell,

I'd love to meet a patient who tells me he is well,

His lumbago isn't killing him, his bunions playing up,

And who doesn't leave his DNA by peeing in a cup.

I'm sick of all you sickies, malingering every day,

Who want a pill for everything you think or do or say,

So pack your rancid troubles, and vamoose, skedaddle, hop,

And dump your sorry carcase at the undertaker's shop.

Horace's Fairy God Mother

Horace Walpole Gladstone McGhee,

Was a boy who only came up to my knee,

His eyes were all crossed, his fingers all thumbs,

And he had three fat bellies and two big fat bums.

And all the long day, the children would yell,

Be off with you, Horace, you're weird and you smell,

And Horace was sitting quite filled with despair,

When he heard a strange footfall on his mother's back stair,

And there in the hallway, all glowing and white,

Stood his own fairy godmother, who gave him a fright,

Said Horace, have you come to grant me three wishes?

Nay lad, said the fairy, I just helps with the dishes,

For being a fairy is not what it was,

I'm fresh out of wishes, and here is because,

I'll just help your poor mother to cook up some lunch,

I'm afraid I'm a victim of that old credit crunch.

I wanted to be quiet but I found it couldn't be done,

I tried a vow of silence but that wasn't any fun,

I said that I would shut up for the whole fortnight of Lent,

But then I went and talked about the price of hops in Kent.

I wanted to be quiet for a wedding in the church,

But I just sat a-yakking till the bride was in the lurch,

Because the groom defected ‘cause he couldn't stand the din,

And now the wedding's cancelled and it's on account of him.

But my verbal diarrhoea went on for days and days,

I even took to phoning the call-centre down at Kays,

The tele-girls refused my calls, they said I was a bore,

And they actually diverted me to the call centre next door.

The custard sat upon the fat, the nursemaid counted three,

The moomrath jigged upon the mat while the stripper drank her tea.

The jelly danced the pas de deux, the wombat sang the blues,

And four and twenty bright young men went out in blue suede shoes.

The doormat sang a sad, sad song, the walrus played his horn,

And the colander felt water drain when a milk-white mare was born.

Three pussy cats did wail all night, two doggies barked in rhyme,

And Andre Diggs, the demon chef, swam in the Serpentine.

But alas, alack, the ghosts came back, and rattled their chain and ball,

And Annie Sprinkle peed all night, while at Carnegie Hall,

And so our story here must cease, our tale must surely end,

Or else go on for twenty years, and drive you round the bend.

Eat Your Greens

Gretchen Jerusalem, Montague Deans,

Completely refused to eat-up her greens,

She said no to carrots and broccoli too,

And sent all her cabbage to Regent’s Park Zoo.

Her mother tried bribery, her Gran tried coercion,

But couldn't get Gretchen to eat up her gherkin,

And she spat out her apples and banana delight,

Which gave a poor waitress a terrible fright.

Cauliflower, marrow and prickly pear,

Gretchen did turn out and leave on the stair,

And she said to her betters, if it grows in the ground,

On my dinner plate it will never be found.

But what is this hatred, her parents did plea,

Well, honest, said Gretchen, it’s exposed to dog pee,

Stray mutts who are passing just cock up their legs,

And water tomatoes who sit in their kegs.

You’re right, said her mother, these veggies must stop,

I'll take it up now at the grocery shop,

So they went down to Sainsbury’s, and said, is it fine,

That veggies are watered with pee and urine?

But the grocer said, smiling, come folks, what’s the harm?

While he secretly shopped them to the state funny farm,

And now the whole family are shut up, quite tight,

In the veggie-free territory of those men dressed in white.

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: Why was the belt arrested?

A: Because it held up some pants!

Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?

A: They had just finished a March of 31 days.

Q: Which hand is it better to write with?

A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular?

A: Because it has a lot of dates!

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

A: He wanted to find Pluto!

Q: What is green and has yellow wheels?

A: Grass…..I lied about the wheels!

Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?

A: Her nose!

Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night?

A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!

Q: Why do you go to bed every night?

A: Because the bed won't come to you!

Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune?

A: Because he couldn't find a date!

Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide?

A: Because it's too cold out-tide!

Q: How do you cure a headache?

A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?

A: A minnie van!

Q: Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?

A: Because they take too long to change!

Q: Why did the man run around his bed?

A: To catch up on his sleep!

Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?

A: He wanted to make a clean get away!

Why do people eat snails?

They dont like fast food

I want a hair cut please. Certainly, which one!

Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face?

No, I look in a towel!

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?

Because her daddy was a mummy!

It's time for your violin lesson.

Oh, Fiddle!

How old is your granddad?

I don't know but we've had him a long time!

What pet makes the loudest noise?

A trum-pet!

What is a tornado?

Mother nature doing the twist!

A noise woke me up this morning.

What was that?

The crack of dawn!

It's gone forever - forever I tell you!

What has?

Yesterday!

Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?

A jelly copter!

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?

He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!

What's the name for a short legged tramp?

A low down bum!

Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains!

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?

About 3000 miles!

Little Boy Blue,

please cover your nose.

You sneezed on Miss Muffet

and ruined her clothes.

You sprayed Mother Hubbard

and now she is sick.

You put out the fire

on Jack’s candle stick.

Your sneeze is the reason

why Humpty fell down.

You drenched Yankee Doodle

when he came to town.

The blind mice are angry!

The sheep are upset!

From now on use tissues

so no one gets wet!

It’s OK to tell a secret

to a dolphin or a seal,

but a pig cannot be trusted,

for a pig will always squeal!

When Dribs was at the Water Park,

he went on all the rides.

He swam in all the swimming pools

and slid down all the slides.

He ran around and shouted out,

“This place is really cool!”

But Dribs turned red when someone said,

“Your suit is in the pool!”

Why is Russia a very fast country?

Because the people are always Russian!

How do you cure a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

What did one virus say to another?

Stay away! I think I've got penicillin!

What happens when plumbers die?

They go down the drain!

Your ugly.

And you're drunk.

Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober!

How do you stop a cold getting to your chest?

Tie a knot in your neck!

What is the fastest thing in water?

A motor pike!

That's it my friends

Have a great Wednesday and welcome my new readers

Breath Easy

have a great day.

Bewick xxxxx

Joke Laureate

5 Replies

oldestnewest
  • LOL Super way to start the day, smiling from ear to ear :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Thats what I like Sandra, another satisfied customer. He he berwick xx

  • And another satisfied customer berwick, particularly liked the dittys (is that what they're called)

    Happy Wednesday.

    Lib x

  • Yes indeedy, Wednesday going to plan so far, I woke, I breathed, I read your funnies, I laughed - a most excellent day :) xx

  • Thanks for those Berwick, made a happy afternoon break. Just what I needed after going shopping.

    :) Anna xx

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